Nothing is sacred these days. Banks lie to and manipulate you, you’re statistically more likely to get divorced than stay happily married, and a national tragedy can’t bring us together because we’re too busy farting out accusations and conspiracy theory hashtags. We’re terrible, and we can’t have anything nice.

The only thing that seems to have weathered the storm of our culture is half-court shots. Half-court shots are wonderful and can win you things like money or cars or jersey numbers. They are the great unifier.

Two examples:

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The Indianapolis Colts cheerleaders are conducting an online contest for fans to pick a local girl to receive the opportunity to audition to join the squad. Basically, it’s a very nice way of saying, “Hi there, everyone thinks you’re great and now we get to decide that on our own, now go away everyone else.” It’s truly the democratic process at its finest. And while there are 68 girls on the online voting ballot, the buzz around this contest has been created mostly for just one 20-year old Colts fan.

Tella Toney is a lunch lady at Southridge High School, and while it sounds incredibly odd, she’s currently the favorite to win the Colts cheerleader audition, thanks to a ton of support from her friends, family and all of the students at her school. Admittedly, it’s a little strange writing about a 20-year female working at a high school and not including a mugshot.

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In case you’re new to the program, we have a short list of topics that we will always post about, no matter how non-sports related or inconsequential they are, including but not limited to:

1) Kate Upton
2) Animals in costumes
3) Soldiers returning home to surprise their families at sporting events
4) Religions and politics and how much your point of view is wrong compared to ours

Because we already successfully disproved six religions and finally reached quorum in our meeting of the Rhinoceros Party of Canada yesterday, we’re going to focus on No. 3 today, as the Houston Texans had a little halftime deal last Sunday that was right up our alley.

Chief Warrant Officer Eric Spoerle had been serving in Afghanistan for the last seven months, and he was able to come home to see his wife and two sons during halftime of the Texans’ 29-17 victory over the Indianapolis Colts. Spoerle’s family was brought onto the field, as they thought Eric’s service was simply being honored and they’d be receiving some Texans jerseys, until Houston’s mascot, Toro, came out on a cart and revealed their dad from under box that looked like a Christmas present.

You can watch the video after the jump, while I clean up this box of Christmas dust that I just opened.

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Remember when we all made fun of Rob Lowe earlier this year when he “broke” the “exclusive” “news” on Twitter that Peyton Manning not only wasn’t re-signing with the Indianapolis Colts, but he was never going to play football again? Yeah, that was a fun time. By the way, in case you haven’t had the luxury of Manning carrying your fantasy football team to the playoffs (and the Denver Broncos to the real playoffs, if you want to be all proper and such) he’s possibly going to be the NFL’s MVP this year with 3,502 yards passing and 29 TDs to date (with only 9 INT). Again, Lowe is not a sports reporter.

But he is lucky enough to be on one of the best shows on TV, NBC’s Parks and Recreation, and because of that he got to hang out with some of the Indianapolis Colts players and staff this week, as they film the bachelor party episode for Ben Wyatt (Adam Scott). That is LITERALLY one of the coolest pictures we’ve ever posted.

Oh, and there are also sports on TV tonight, too.

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Way to be, Sergio Brown*.

As most of already realize, the purpose of these Thursday Night Football games on the NFL Network is to show other networks like TNT, TBS, USA, BET, ION, WE, LOGO, etc. how much money they could be making buy giving the NFL a few billion dollars to air games during the week. But holy hell, Roger Goodell. Can you throw us a bone on these Turd-of-the-Week games like the one tonight?

I don’t mean any disrespect to the Indianapolis Colts, because I definitely love what they’re doing and their fire right now, but how did the Jacksonville Jaguars get anything but a 1 PM game on Sunday? I mean, Chiefs/Chargers was a pretty awful matchup, but now we get the Jags? Ugh.

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(L-R) Matt Overton, Pat McAfee and Adam Vinatieri

First the good news – doctors say that Indianapolis Colts coach Chuck Pagano is progressing wonderfully in his battle with leukemia, and they’ve even declared that he’s in remission. In fact, according to USA Today, doctors estimate that at least 80% of people diagnosed with acute promyelocytic leukemia, like Pagano, can be cured because science is awesome and stuff. So everything is looking up for Pagano, including his Colts’ 5-3 record and playoff aspirations in his absence.

Now, that’s not to say that Indy is just motoring on without ol’ coach, because he’s still the first thing on most players’ minds each day. That brings us to the cool news – at least 24 of the Colts players shaved their heads as they left the practice field yesterday to show their support for Pagano, who, despite success, will still have plenty of chemotherapy in his future.

“It’s all for Chuck,” punter Pat McAfee said Tuesday evening. “We all don’t look good. I’m not built to have a bald head. I’ve got a huge sniffer.

“But we all love our coach so much that we want to show unity and let people know we’re all in this together. It’s a really cool thing.” (Via the Great Falls Tribune)

What was especially cool about it was the team’s director of player engagement, David Thornton, hired a barber to ambush all of the players with clippers as they walked off the field. I like to think that any of the guys who said no were held down by all 327-pounds of Mike McGlynn as they kicked and screamed under his sweaty jock. Mmmm, who wants some breakfast sausage?

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