… just not very good ones.

Less than two weeks after crashing through the final turn of the Indianapolis 500 (while in the lead), rookie IndyCar driver JR Hildebrand tore the ACL in his right knee while trying to clear hurdles during a promotional event. The final hurdle. If you need proof that God exists and has a sense of humor, watch this poor guy keep trudging through life with one leg and half a car.

From RacinToday.com (and that’s not a typo, it’s actuallly racin’, and I’m totally going to start a blog called RasslinToday.edu):

Hildebrand’s knee broke the top board upon contact, and the 23-year-old Californian stumbled to the ground on a grassy lot outside the Lone Star Tower condominiums.

Hildebrand remained on the ground for several minutes catching his breath, as the outside of his left knee appeared to swell. TMS public relations staffers provided Hildebrand with some cold towels and ice from a nearby cooler to wrap the knee. Hildebrand was able to stand and walk to a nearby SUV, which reportedly transported him to the track’s Infield Care Center.

To put this into perspective, here’s an excerpt from the hat tip article on From The Marbles:

Last year, NASCAR driver Denny Hamlin tore his left ACL playing pickup basketball. Hamlin attempted to hold off on having surgery until the end of the season but opted for surgery in the spring after the pain became too great. Hamlin finished second to Jimmie Johnson for the Sprint Cup championship.

So I guess he’ll be fine, he’ll just have to push the gas with his other foot.

We didn’t do a full day of updates yesterday, so we missed out on a few important stories, including the wedding of Tony Romo (aka “the only way he’s ever going to get a ring”) or Man U vs Barcelona in the UEFA Champions League Finals (neither team won), but the most important thing we missed is this video from the Indy 500, wherein a guy in a car drives down a big for-real Hot Wheels track and breaks a world record. It’s cool, but not as cool as that time I drove my big wheel down the hill.

From the YouTube description:

The Yellow Driver of Team Hot Wheels breaks the world record for distance jump in a four-wheeled vehicle at the Indianapolis 500 on May 29th 2011. Watch as the Yellow Driver, Tanner Foust, drops 10 stories down 90 feet of orange track and soars 332 feet through the air.

Of course a guy named “Tanner Foust” would want to drive on a life-size Hot Wheels track. Now that we’ve played out this exercise in American excess, we should concentrate on more pressing issues, such as building a stunt track around an active volcano or creating a car that changes color when it drives through water. Or maybe our President can finally get around to pulling all of our G.I. Joes out of the Middle East.

I know this is going to be tough for you to hear, but Donald Trump has backed out of the Indianapolis 500 and won’t be driving the pace car at the 100th anniversary of the race. Be strong, you need to be strong now more than ever. Trump says he decided to hand over the keys because driving would be “inappropriate” if he was running for President, adding that it had nothing to do with the fact that he was absolutely ice-burned at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner and can no longer show his face in public. His hair added, “rarrr.”

Today the Indianapolis Motor Speedway (the speedway itself, not a person, while we’re being anthropomorphic) released the following statement:

Read the rest of this entry »

It’s late May, which means it’s time for our annual catch-up with Danica Patrick. Everyone seems to be getting all riled up about how Danica has never won anything, but the “uncensored” GoDaddy commercials where nobody gets naked are the true crime. Do I want domain registrars peddling that sort of smut? Why, yes. Yes I do.

Anyway, Danica was supposedly booed at qualifying for the Indianapolis 500 for comments about her car was the worst she had ever had. Her comments were audible through the public address system at the track, and according to reports, she was booed mightily. Wow, we’re ceding to the judgement of the people of Indianapolis? Wait until they have a auto race in Waco.

And then Danica was invited to ESPN for a press event, only to be held up at the gate with another driver. That sounds like a SportsCenter commercial there. She cannot get through the gate! The gate is narrow!

I’ll be honest. I think those of you whining about Danica’s presence in racing need to get a life. It’s Indy car racing. Why do you even care? Are you distraught that she’s taking away attention from…uh, that guy that was on “Dancing With The Stars?” Oh, what’s his name again? And the only reason we keep hearing about her is because the race is on ABC and we don’t know or care about any of the other drivers. And with your little kvetching, you’re making things worse. Yes, I’m complaining about you complaining about Danica Patrick. Now let’s just call this off before we rip a hole in the space-time continuum.

I hate to sound like one of these East-Coast jagoffs that act like they’re too good for certain sporting events. But I really am having a hard time getting into this weekend’s Indy 500. I really don’t know any of the drivers except that one chick, and there’s talk of her going to NASCAR, anyway. Anyway, COED Magazine tries to capture the spirit of the thing with a gallery of racing-related ladies, I guess. Pretty sure these aren’t IRL gals, but when it comes to open-wheel racing and open bars and open-casket funerals, I’m not so picky.

There were a bunch of crashes during Indy 500 practice over the weekend, increasing exponentially the chances that I would write about Indy 500 practice. Too bad Danica Patrick couldn't find the time to run over anyone else. The worst of the five over the weekend featured A.J. Foyt IV's car bursting into a massive fireball as a result of a crew member not tightening the fuel cap. Who knew fuel was flammable anyway? 

He was running laps, working on race setup and preparing for the possibility of being bumped and having to requalify, when the cover to his fuel tank blew off. That allowed fuel to pour out of the tank and ignite from the heat of the engine. Within seconds, the rear of Foyt's Vision Racing entry was a ball of flame and his car backed hard into the outside wall.

"We know who did it," [Foyt said] "I don't want to single anyone out, but he's probably going to be looking for a new job and it's too bad because he's a good guy. He just made a mistake."

That should be a good reference for unnamed crew guy. "Why did you leave your previous employer?" "Oh, well, I almost incinerated him." "ALMOST!? We need closers, dammit!"  

What's up with the announcers with the "No use for us speculating" stuff? Did all the good broadcasters go to auto racing so I wouldn't notice? If so, excellent plan fellas.