"Here to present the NFL's 2011 Mustache of the Year award..."

If you’ve ever thought that the ESPY’s are great in theory, but you just can’t handle all those meaningless sports honors at one time, then the NFL has some news that will make your day much better. Instead of simply announcing the season awards, the NFL is going the award show route and will present the league’s MVP, Coach of the Year, Rookie of the Year and other various honors at a ceremony on the Saturday night before the Super Bowl.

In a blog post written earlier today at another location, I dismissively wanked.

All seven AP NFL awards will be presented from 9-11 p.m. EST live from the Murat Theater in Indianapolis during a show hosted by “30 Rock” star Alec Baldwin. The show will feature a live performance by Lenny Kravitz and appearances by Hall of Famers Jerry Rice, Barry Sanders, Deion Sanders, Shannon Sharpe and Steve Young.

The awards program will be preceded by a red carpet show on NFL Network from 8-9 p.m. EST.

(Via the Arizona Star)

This isn’t a completely terrible idea, because Alec Baldwin is awesome and I’ll watch anything that he’s involved with. But this is what also drives me nuts about the NFL. The Saturday night before the Super Bowl is probably a good of a time as any to present these awards, but a red carpet event in Indianapolis in February? I’m sure the players are going to love that.

Instead, how about we move the Pro Bowl back to after the Super Bowl, since nobody really cares about that glorified flag football match anyway, and hold this little shindig that weekend so these guys can enjoy a lazy vacation in Hawaii and we can surround them with jiggling cheerleaders in coconut bras? I’m not the smartest guy in the world, but I know a good opportunity when I see one.

Cheerleader calendars are supposed to evoke a sense of excitement and beauty, and unless the horny boy/adult man waiting in line to buy next year’s Colts cheerleader calendars are looking for the excitement of catching catfish in an inner-tube and the beauty of a sort-of-clean mid-America dirt river, they’re going to be extremely disappointed. Somebody decided to drive the girls into the woods and shoot them alongside the Ohio River, using props like drift wood. Yes, drift wood. What’re they gonna do, take a picture of her holding a raccoon? It’s the Ohio River.

Fantasies included in this gallery include (but are not limited to):

- Wading down the Ohio River and seeing a tan, muscular woman in a bathing suit holding some errant wood
- Finding a beautiful woman squatting near a water fountain
- Running into a group of cheerleaders as you’re walking into one of those buildings parks have where you can get the little pamphlets about other parks
- Sex with unrealistic locals
- Watching women do something extremely demeaning to keep a job that is only sort of demeaning

And more! Click through now and enjoy feeling terrible/great for the rest of the weekend.

[photos via the reasonable, hard working people at Busted Coverage]

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I know this is going to be tough for you to hear, but Donald Trump has backed out of the Indianapolis 500 and won’t be driving the pace car at the 100th anniversary of the race. Be strong, you need to be strong now more than ever. Trump says he decided to hand over the keys because driving would be “inappropriate” if he was running for President, adding that it had nothing to do with the fact that he was absolutely ice-burned at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner and can no longer show his face in public. His hair added, “rarrr.”

Today the Indianapolis Motor Speedway (the speedway itself, not a person, while we’re being anthropomorphic) released the following statement:

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Did you ever wonder how they do it in Fort Wayne?  Well, here you go:

Those rug-cutting skills were as crazy as the moves of the namesake of the FW, Mad Anthony Wayne.  That's right, the Revolutionary War general had some off the hook steps.  In fact, after leading his troops to victory over the British garrison in a fixed-bayonet battle at Stony Point, NY, the insane impresario of the waltz "served" one of his young lieutenants with an improvised box step at a celebratory dance party.  Military strategists still marvel at how Wayne's forces took the well-fortified redoubt.  It's as simple as able men following the orders of brilliant, charismatic leader.  It's just like when I exhorted my G.I. Joes to take the Cobra fort on the flagstone outcrop at Mom's Garden — "Destro, you magnificent bastard, I read your book!" -KD

{Arrowhead Addict}