During the late 1990s and early 2000s, anyone related to a pop singer could become a success. Britney Spears’ little sister got her on television show, the little brothers of Backstreet Boys got record deals, Jessica Simpson’s uglier, somehow even less talented little sister got her on television show AND a record deal, the list goes on and on. One of the touchstones of late-90s pop nepotism (popotism? I should write for Pitchfork) was the two platinum albums (!!) of Aaron Carter. He rode the fame of his older brother Nick to temporary heartthrob status, so much so that one time I happened to go to Kings Dominion on the same day Aaron Carter was performing and didn’t get on ANYTHING because every square inch of the grounds was covered in homemade t-shirted 11-year olds. It got pretty bad, for a while.

Anyway, Aaron’s greatest achievement was his attempt at a Will Smith Vs. Mike Tyson-style rap showdown with then-Los Angeles Lakers star Shaquille O’Neal. In the song, Aaron brags to his friends about how he beat Shaq. It’s called ‘That’s How I Beat Shaq.’ It wasn’t written by Dostoevsky.

Here’s a quick recap, in case you missed it:

It’s like boom (boom)
I put it in the hoop
Like slam (slam)
I heard the crowd screaming
out jam (jam)
I swear that I’m telling you the facts
Cuz that’s how I beat Shaq

Thanks to some wonderful combination of God existing and TruTV, Aaron Carter and Shaq got together recently for a rematch, and it went a lot like it should’ve the first time. Justin Bieber, get ready for a harrowing look into your future. You’ve got campy videos where people try to remember you and Kim Kardashian coming up in like 13 years.

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I was pretty disappointed that with David Carradine’s untimely stanglebation suicide over the weekend (or whatever it was) that there wasn’t more attention given to Carradine’s Ulysses, the dystopic cult classic Death Race 2000. The Transcontinental Road Race was the national sport in the canon of the film, where the drivers ran over pedestrians for points. Carradine’s Mr. Frankenstein, a cyborg that may have been a precursor to George Lucas’ Darth Vader, could allegedly shift gears in 1/20th of a second. And no one had ever seen his face. Except for his navigators. Who are all dead.

Death Race 2000 was released in 1975 and was clearly ahead of its time. The whole film was in pieces on YouTube at one point, but it appears to have been pulled. But you can see Carradine tonight on FOX’s show, Mental, which is probably a terrible show, yet suddenly semi-significant now that Carradine is up in that big Thai whorehouse in the sky…