No fountain metaphors, please
A former gymnastics coach at the University of Illinois is being investigated after a video camera was found hidden in the locker room. Police recently searched John Valdez’s home and computer files for criminal evidence. Sexy criminal evidence.
Valdez helped train U.S. gymnasts at the Beijing Olympics. He resigned from the Illini coaching staff last month citing personal issues, including a pending drunken driving charge in Wisconsin.
Oh, c’mon. The video camera obviously didn’t belong to Valdez. As someone who knows a little something about sexual deviancy, believe me, you don’t quit your job without first collecting all your girls gymnastics team recording equipment.
I've spent the last several days (justifiably) disparaging the Big Ten tourney, but this ridiculous ending to Minnesota's upset of Indiana (via Fan IQ) goes a long way in making up for all that painful-to-watch hoops — Blake Hoffarber's miracle shot has definitely given me an anticipatory hard-on for the tourney this week. Of course, the Golden Gophers then lost to #10 seed Illinois (16-18, 5-13 Big Ten) in the semis, so the Illini have a chance to slip into the NCAAs today if they can upend powerhouse Wisconsin.
The Illini aren't the only unlikely team gunning for the tourney: previously woeful Georgia has shown moxie in the face of the tornado-adjusted schedule in the SEC tournament, as a pair of wins by the Bulldogs yesterday — they had four wins in the SEC all season — has put the 16-16 Dawgs a win over Arkansas away from the conference title and a berth in the Dance.
Other NCAA results: Memphis won its conference tourney for the third straight year; Pitt beat G-town for the Big East title; UCLA are your Pac-10 champs; and Clemson-UNC and Texas-Kansas round out the major conference action on ESPN today.
Hugh Hefner matriculated through the University of Illinois, and he's very excited about the Fighting Illini's appearance in this season's Rose Bowl:
"Illinois has already knocked off the No. 1 team in the country, Ohio State," the founder, editor and emperor of Playboy kindly reminds me. "They're miracle workers . . . I was an undergrad in 1946,'' recalls Hefner, now a spry 81, " which was at the very beginning of when the two conferences forged an arrangement to play against each other in the big game every year. "We came out to play UCLA in that 1947 game, and nobody expected us to win. Nobody."
That's right, a guy that went to college in the 1940s pulls scores of hotter tail than you. Anyway, when Illinois was in Pasadena in for the 1984 Tournament of Roses, they visited the famed Playboy mansion, but not this time:
"No, no Playboy Mansion necessary for us," senior offensive lineman Martin O'Donnell explains to me. "We have our hands full as it is." Ron Zook's team did go to the Improv comedy club, did the Disneyland bit and fed its face at the traditional feast Lawry's sponsors known as the Beef Bowl.
Not necessary? What could have been filling their hands? Oh, wait . . . I get it. Different strokes and all that, and right now I believe conducting a thorough interweb search of my favorite Playmates is absolutely necessary. -KD
As noted earlier, the top-ranked, undefeated Ohio State Buckeyes were defeated at home this weekend by unranked Illinois. I didn't watch the game, and it's not like I have some kind of undying love for the Illini (although my sister is an alumna, so that's something). But what I do have in spades is HATE, HATE, HATE for the harelipped, semiliterate fans of that insult to academia located in Columbus.
Boo hoo hoo, Buckeyes. At least take heart that this loss will spare you the embarrassment of getting blown out in another national title game. Plus you can continue to be the only people who actually put the word "The" in front of your school's name. So you have that to hold on to, assuming your palsied claws and non-opposable thumbs are up to the task.
UPDATE: More fun here.
Media Take Out — they don't like the spaces, but I do — got a bunch of photos of Michael Jordan's teenage sons Marcus and Jeffrey on vacation, and you will be absolutely shocked to learn that teenagers whose parents are wealthier than God do things like drink alcohol and dance with hot chicks.
MediaTakeOut.com has exclusively obtained shocking new pics of Michael Jordan's sons going wild. The photos, which were reportedly taken on a recent vacation, show the two high school boys engaged in some very inappropriate behavior. In the first batch of images, Michael's 18 year old son Jeffrey (currently a high school senior) is photo'd dancing suggestively with a number of women. But those images are tame compared to those of Michael's 16 year old son Marcus. MediaTakeOut.com obtained images that show the high school sophomore with alcoholic beverages and smoking what appears to be marijuana. And there's more. In a photo, Marcus is shown unconscious in a pool of his own vomit - an obvious result of overindulging.
Thanks for explaining all that, Obvious Take Out. I figured Marcus just had some bad fish. But seriously, great job. My mind is blown. High school boys drink alcohol, smoke weed, and dance with girls. Will our nation ever recover from this demoralizing tragedy? Will hope in America ever be restored? Only if I take my shirt off.
Also see: Deuce of Davenport
