Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve got a new entry in the Worst Rendition Of ‘Take Me Out To The Ballgame’ competition.

For some people, singing ‘Take Me Out To The Ballgame’ at Wrigley Field is a dream come true. Hell, it’s on my bucket list and I don’t even like the Cubs. For some, it’s a Mitt-Romney-Goes-To-Jerusalem-esque PR move … case in point, this clip of new University of Illinois head football coach Tim Beckman ingratiating himself to the locals with a rendition so enthusiastic you can forgive its badness. When it doubt, clench your fists and throw your arms in the air like Freddie Mercury. And hey, to his credit he spent the last three years in Toledo, a city so unimportant it has yet to get music.

For the record, if I ever get to sing during the seventh inning stretch at Wrigley, I’m taking voice lessons for six months and doing the entire thing like Mariah Carey.

[h/t to Dr. Saturday]

As it turns out, Wrigley Field isn’t much of a football facility.

For those that missed it, the historic ballpark is actually hosting a college football game tomorrow against Northwestern and Illinois. But since the field doesn’t seem to be big enough for a regulation field, a ruling was handed down from the Big Ten dictating that…well, losers walk.

After seeing the tight configuration required to fit a football field in the home of the Chicago Cubs, James E. Delany, the commissioner of the Big Ten, announced that the teams would run all of their offensive plays in one direction, toward the western end zone. Every time the ball changes hands, the players will be turned around so the action heads west — toward the third-base dugout and away from the right-field wall.

The move followed a number of news reports that questioned whether the tight east-west configuration of the football field at Wrigley might cause an injury. For instance, a corner of the eastern end zone is less than two feet from the wall in the right-field corner, which has been padded for the game. The back of the center of the eastern end zone is six inches from the right-field wall, and the uprights are attached right to the wall. (The other goal post stands in front of the third-base dugout.)

–NYT.

Switching after every change of possession? That seems a little ridiculous. Wouldn’t it have been easier to just take 5 yards out of the middle of the field. Sure, that leaves you with a 95-yard field, but then at least you’d avoid the situation of players picking their teeth out of the ivy.

Of course, the internet has been loving this development.

No fountain metaphors, please

A former gymnastics coach at the University of Illinois is being investigated after a video camera was found hidden in the locker room.  Police recently searched John Valdez’s home and computer files for criminal evidence.  Sexy criminal evidence.

Valdez helped train U.S. gymnasts at the Beijing Olympics. He resigned from the Illini coaching staff last month citing personal issues, including a pending drunken driving charge in Wisconsin.

Oh, c’mon.  The video camera obviously didn’t belong to Valdez.  As someone who knows a little something about sexual deviancy, believe me, you don’t quit your job without first collecting all your girls gymnastics team recording equipment.

[story: SbB; Illini gymnastics gallery at FanIQ]

I've spent the last several days (justifiably) disparaging the Big Ten tourney, but this ridiculous ending to Minnesota's upset of Indiana (via Fan IQ) goes a long way in making up for all that painful-to-watch hoops — Blake Hoffarber's miracle shot has definitely given me an anticipatory hard-on for the tourney this week.  Of course, the Golden Gophers then lost to #10 seed Illinois (16-18, 5-13 Big Ten) in the semis, so the Illini have a chance to slip into the NCAAs today if they can upend powerhouse Wisconsin.

The Illini aren't the only unlikely team gunning for the tourney: previously woeful Georgia has shown moxie in the face of the tornado-adjusted schedule in the SEC tournament, as a pair of wins by the Bulldogs yesterday — they had four wins in the SEC all season — has put the 16-16 Dawgs a win over Arkansas away from the conference title and a berth in the Dance.

Other NCAA results: Memphis won its conference tourney for the third straight year; Pitt beat G-town for the Big East title; UCLA are your Pac-10 champs; and Clemson-UNC and Texas-Kansas round out the major conference action on ESPN today.

Hugh Hefner matriculated through the University of Illinois, and he's very excited about the Fighting Illini's appearance in this season's Rose Bowl:

"Illinois has already knocked off the No. 1 team in the country, Ohio State," the founder, editor and emperor of Playboy kindly reminds me. "They're miracle workers . . . I was an undergrad in 1946,'' recalls Hefner, now a spry 81, " which was at the very beginning of when the two conferences forged an arrangement to play against each other in the big game every year. "We came out to play UCLA in that 1947 game, and nobody expected us to win. Nobody."

That's right, a guy that went to college in the 1940s pulls scores of hotter tail than you. Anyway, when Illinois was in Pasadena in for the 1984 Tournament of Roses, they visited the famed Playboy mansion, but not this time:

"No, no Playboy Mansion necessary for us," senior offensive lineman Martin O'Donnell explains to me. "We have our hands full as it is." Ron Zook's team did go to the Improv comedy club, did the Disneyland bit and fed its face at the traditional feast Lawry's sponsors known as the Beef Bowl.

Not necessary? What could have been filling their hands? Oh, wait . . . I get it. Different strokes and all that, and right now I believe conducting a thorough interweb search of my favorite Playmates is absolutely necessary. -KD 

As noted earlier, the top-ranked, undefeated Ohio State Buckeyes were defeated at home this weekend by unranked Illinois.  I didn't watch the game, and it's not like I have some kind of undying love for the Illini (although my sister is an alumna, so that's something).  But what I do have in spades is HATE, HATE, HATE for the harelipped, semiliterate fans of that insult to academia located in Columbus.

Boo hoo hoo, Buckeyes.  At least take heart that this loss will spare you the embarrassment of getting blown out in another national title game.  Plus you can continue to be the only people who actually put the word "The" in front of your school's name.  So you have that to hold on to, assuming your palsied claws and non-opposable thumbs are up to the task. 

UPDATE: More fun here.