Jeffrey Jordan has quit the basketball team at Illinois after one season, and I’m guessing that the demands of the college game were just too much to handle for a guy who can still be Michael Jordan’s kid while sitting on his couch playing the Wii. From SI, via Sportress Of Blogitude:

The former walk-on guard surprised nearly everyone Wednesday by announcing that he plans to focus on his studies, just a few months after Illinois coach Bruce Weber said Jordan had a chance to earn more playing time and even a leadership role during his junior year.

“I loved playing for the Fighting Illini and appreciate the support I was given by my teammates, coaches and the great fans here,” Jordan in a statement. “But I have come to the point where I’m ready to focus on life after basketball.”

College sports are hard, and while the kid probably isn’t worrying about money, he probably didn’t enjoy playing ball in the Big Ten–a full-time job by itself–for free. It’s just a crappy internship at that point. With lots of male nudity. Can’t really blame him for giving that up. I can only wonder how it would feel to quit a sport and then tell your dad. Would that be really difficult or really easy? Eh, he could always stay at Mom’s house for a few months. Whenever she gets tired of the pool boy, anyway.

The Bayou Bengals of Louisiana State are your new #1 college football team, as the AP have ranked them the supreme squad in the nation. LSU held on to narrowly defeat mighty Louisiana Tech 58-10 yesterday, while former #1 Ohio St. fell to Illinois 28-21.  The Fightin' Illini were led to their upset victory by quarterback Juice Williams who threw for 140 yards on 12 for 22 with 4 TDs. Wow, I know some sweat-shop workers who aren't that efficient.  Illinois' victory hinged on a crucial 4th and inches with 6:53 left in the game:

"I said, 'Coach, you don't think we can get a half an inch?"' Williams said amid the uproar of the postgame celebration. "He looked at me and got on the headset to (offensive coordinator Mike) Locksley. He (Zook) said, 'If you don't get it, I'll hurt you.'" Zook remembered it differently. "Juice said, 'I'll get you an inch,"' Zook said. "I said, 'You'd better.'"

Ha, motivation through corporal punishment is funny. Anyway, if Omar Epps was at this game, he would be all like, "Man, you know what your problem is? You got no juice." to Ohio St. because they lost the wily Illibuck. But if Tupac (God rest his soul) was a LSU fan he would be all like, "One, if I lose, I'm gonna beat that ass. Two, if I lose, I'm gonna beat that ass. So pop two quarters in, pop tart, and let's get this game on, I'll be gettin' that ass!" to all the other teams in the country.  In conclusion, Juice was a good movie, but I wouldn't want to live in Harlem. -KD

P.S. Farewell Orange Bowl, I'll always remember you in all your NSFW glory.   

I know you're probably already transfixed on the pictocube watching the majesty that is Big Ten football, but the Iowa Hawkeyes and Minnesota Golden Gophers are battling right now to see who will take home Floyd of Rosedale.  Who is Floyd?  Well, it seems to relieve animosity between to the 2 universities, Iowa governor Clyde Herring awarded Minnesota governor Floyd Olson a full-blooded champion pig (and brother of Blue Boy who starred with Will Rogers' in the classic film State Fair – GASP! The Blue Boy?) after the Gophers defeated the Hawkeyes in 1935.  A bronze statue of the heroic swine was cast and given to the winner of the game ever since. What a magnificent tradition! As this marquee match-up between Midwestern powerhouses needed anything more.

And the Big Ten's splendid lore doesn't end there. Ohio State and Illinois play today to capture the wily Illibuck:

lly Illibuck is a wooden turtle trophy presented to the winner of the Ohio State-Illinois football game. Originally the "trophy" was a live turtle when the tradition began in 1925, picked for its long life expectancy as a symbol of the long life of the rivalry. Since the passing of the original turtle in 1927 nine wooden replica Illibucks have been carved, each with the scores from games on its back . . . Another part of the rivalry once included the smoking of the peace pipe between members of two junior honorary societies, Bucket and Dipper of Ohio State and Atius-Sachem of Illinois, which occurred at halftime. This practice has not been done for many years. -Wikipedia

I wonder when they stopped smoking the calumet? I mean on the field. I'm sure several scholars at both of these fine institutions still practice this ritual right before skipping class and devouring 4 lbs. of Taco Bell. -KD

In a thrilling contest between Big Ten powerhouses Illinois and Iowa, Kirk Ferentz's mighty Hawkeyes held on to defeat the Fightin' Illini 10-6 in a Iowa City.  Oh wait, did I say thrilling?  I meant coma-inducing.  I guess it was interesting to watch another Big Ten team lose to a crappy opponent and more importantly, not cover the spread.  If there are any shaman, priests, rabbis, or ministers out there who have a direct line to the Big Guy, please ask Him what I've done to anger Him so.  Obviously, He is suspending free choice of will for the players of the games on which I place friendly wagers just to irk me.  That is the only explanation – there is no way that God is a fan of the bumblebees.  In other news, Ron Zook pushed a cameraman after the game – bravo sir!

Anyway, I tried to find a photo of Capt. Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce duping Lt. Col. Henry Blake (whose alma mater was Illinois) in one of his comedic schemes to represent the gravity of this loss, but this is what I found.  Of course, I only researched the interwebs for 2 minutes, but my favorite episode of M*A*S*H* is on and it won't be replayed on TVLand for at least 3 hours. -KD 

Remember last week when I telegrammed Norman, OK and Austin, TX to remind their football squads that they were in the Big 12 and not in the Big Ten, and thus were not allowed to lose to just any team.  I received many emails regarding the humor of that line that read something like "Good one, KD" or "You're funny for a Dutch-Irishman" (Note: No complimentary emails were actually received).  That wasn't a joke sexy readers, as the final tallies of the Middle West's 11-team conglomeration of fecal matter attests. 

First, Illinois defeated #5 Wisconsin.  And you thought you buried Chief Illiniwek at Wounded Knee.  Well you were wrong.  Really wrong.  And by 'you', I mean 'me'.  And by 'really wrong', I mean 'the Badgers will cover'.  Then lowly Northwestern bested mighty Michigan State.  Perhaps East Lansing's athletic squads should shed the Spartan nickname and adopt the name of that other tribe of Greeks that pussed out in The 300 – the Achaeans, I think?  Can #23 Purdue upset #4 Ohio State?  My pocketbook is strangely quiet on the subject. -KD