Illinois representative Luis Gutierrez knows the secrets to arguing about important, real-life things on the Internet — sarcasm, topicality and, if possible, Justin Bieber-related photoshops. He also knows that if you mention sports guys, sports sites can report it as Sports News.

In sports news:

Rep. Luis Gutierrez took to the House floor on Wednesday morning to address Arizona’s immigration law — particularly the portion of it that the Supreme Court refrained from striking down. Railing against what he saw as the inherent racial profiling in the policy, Gutierrez hammered his point with what was basically a game of Guess Which One’s The Immigrant.

Beside an easel that presented side-by-side pictures of the celebrities he invoked, Gutierrez said the “show me your papers” aspect of Arizona’s policy isn’t just a problem for anyone who looks “like they might have come to America from somewhere else. It’s a problem for every American who cares about freedom.” Sarcastically commending Arizona law enforcement for being able to discern undocumented immigrants not by their looks, Gutierrez said, “Maybe with practice we can all become like Arizona politicians and police officers who are able to telepathically determine who to accuse of not belonging in America.”

Guess Which One’s The Immigrant includes an amazing pronunciation of “Geraldo Rivera”, segues into Justin Bieber learning about his adopted homeland from Selena Gomez and peaks with California’s Jeremy Lin being compared/contrasted with Belgium’s Tony Parker. The only way he could’ve made it more applicable to the Internet would be a page that was nothing but the Kate Upton GQ cover so he could point at it, say “this is Kate Upton” and flip to the next page without mentioning immigrants.

He’s making a good point. No law should exist where you can legally just look at somebody and decide they’re something. That’s day one manners. Get your shit together, Arizona, and don’t make Gutierrez break out the cat memes.

[h/t That NBA Lottery Pick]

Two men enter! One man leaves! With a giant hole above his eyeball, I should add. While a random Mexican streetfight is hardly sports news, I can at least hide behind my flimsiest of claims – at least it’s competitive. But when said story involves graphic detail that is so delightfully stomach-turning, I just have to make an exception.

Last Friday, 29-year old illegal immigrant Luis Miguel Aguilar attended a friend’s house party near Buena Park in Los Angeles, and he got into a bit of a skirmish with a 41-year old guest. As the two began fighting in the street, Aguilar bit the other man above the eye and ripped his entire eyebrow and surrounding flesh from his face. Then he chewed it and spit it back at the man. Your move, Mike Tyson.

The man actually tried to save the chewed up piece of flesh, Luong said, but it was so torn up that doctors were unable to reattach it. The corporal described it as a chunk containing the victim’s right eyebrow “about the size of an egg.”

“He’s got to get reconstructive surgery,” Luong said of the victim.

(Via)

Aguilar claimed that he bit the other man’s eyebrow off in self defense, which I completely believe because every time that I’m in one of my illegal underground street fights and a guy starts punching me, my krav maga training tells me to sink my teeth directly into orbital flesh. Or curl up in the fetal position and piss myself. One or the other, I get them confused a lot.