I’m sure there’s other sports stuff going on, like that one legendary basketball player who got hurt or that expensive baseball pitcher who was beat up, but I’m a simple kind of fella and I can’t help but stop and point when I see something that’s reaaaaaaaaally stupid. And nothing tickles my fancy more than when people fall for fake Onion headlines.

In this case, the Onion article in question was “Jerry Sandusky Horrified By Behavior Of Rutgers Basketball Coach” from April 3, and as you can see nobody reads anything but headlines anymore. I could try to write the most eloquent and thought-provoking piece ever written by man (key word is try, folks) and it could very well win every literary and journalistic prize in existence, but if I used a headline like “Doo doo smoothies 2-for-1 at IKEA cafeteria leads to pope’s resignation” at least 5 people would comment something like, “F*ck you, Obama!”

In conclusion, this is still the best thing ever produced by the Onion.

(H/T to Literally Unbelievable)

"Knock knock... OPINION!"

For some reason, Deadspin has targeted Stephen A. Smith for a new series of unverified stories from readers about the ESPN First Take shouter guy’s behavior in restaurants. The latest came this morning in a blurb about SAS being a bad tipper, and the theme originated the other day with a story about SAS shouting at a waiter about a bottle of ketchup. In all, it’s not the most exciting stuff, because it’s low-hanging fruit, but it’s still damn funny to watch Skip Bayless’ best friend get worked up.

If you take a look at Smith’s Twitter feed, you’ll notice that he was indeed a little worked up by the original Deadspin story, as he fired off a few Tweets about it. And then he was fired up about the horrific officiating in last night’s Monday Night Football game, as most of us were. But what’s missing in between those two cases of 140-character rage is a rant that he typed out yesterday after a serious news site posted a malicious and completely false story about him.

What followed was rather remarkable.

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Like most U.S. Olympic athletes, swimmer Ryan Lochte has been on a whirlwind media tour since returning home from London, but the truth is that the nation’s love affair with the multiple gold medal-winner began long ago. Throughout the Olympics, interviews with Lochte popped up left and right, and the question on everyone’s mind was: “What’s next for this handsome, single stallion?” Of course we already know that the immediate answer is Dancing with the Stars and probably The Bachelor.

But Lochte also wants everyone to know that he’s so much deeper than just a reality TV tool. Sure, he’ll cut his teeth in Hollywood by doing the cha-cha with Kym Johnson and pretending like there’s a shot in hell he’d marry some broad off the street because she made out with him more than a dozen other nameless girls. Acting, though, is what is swimming in his blood, and he is hellbent on establishing a brilliant career on TV and the silver screen. First up? 90210. Start polishing those Emmys.

Need more proof? Buzzfeed recently put together some highlights of Lochte’s best interviews, and that man has a gift. And if a recent Tweet is any indication, it appears that Lochte might even be the next Channing Tatum. None of that matters to me, though. I learned all I need to know about him during his interview with Piers Morgan earlier this month. Lochte told Not Larry King that he can see himself acting opposite Blake Lively, and according to my oracles of truth and brilliance in the YouTube comments section, Ryan Reynolds better watch his back.

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Just kidding, the Bushwackers are the best tag team ever.

Just when you think only the classiest news comes out of Florida and Ohio, West Virginia goes and does something to blow all of our minds. Last Friday, Andrew Young and James Miller of Charleston, West Virginia were preparing for a local live wrestling event by practicing some of their favorite moves, like the power bomb and choke slam. Unfortunately, they weren’t exactly practicing those moves on each other, like normal adult men would do. Nah, they practiced them on a 2-year old girl instead.

South Charleston police say the men were practicing their moves on a toddler and caused severe bruising and a fractured leg. (Via WSAZ)

You might think that a person would be upset and concerned if he just wounded and possibly crippled a 2-year old girl, but no. Young and Miller were upset, but for other reasons.

“He wasn’t very happy,” South Charleston Police Detective A.R. Gordon says. “I guess he was looking forward to this wrestling event that was going to be here tonight. That’s probably not going to happen at this point.”

Don’t worry, it gets worse.

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As a male blogger, I’m no stranger to objectification. Not a day goes by that I’m not harassed by some random girl trying to goad me into sexually explicit conversations or asking me to view her webcam while calling me “sweety” or “honey”. It’s degrading to say the least, and so I can totally relate and offer my support to my bros like Ryan Lochte, while millions of women ignore his incredible swimming talent in favor of his looks. Same boat, broseph. Same boat.

But I was also unaware that people apparently objectify female athletes in this same way. While this is news to me, I checked with some other Internet gentlemen and they, in fact, assured me that sexism and misogyny are alive and well in women’s sports. This shocked me, to say the least, because I couldn’t help but wonder if my beloved Alex Morgan and Daniela Hantuchova (above) have been the victims of this objectification as well.

The people at talkSPORT Magazine recently made a video that honors the “Sexy female Olympic athletes at London 2012” and it turns out that some people are offended. And I’m not talking about regular people like you or me. I’m talking about true intellectuals – YouTube commenters. After the jump, you can watch the video for yourself and then get schooled by YouTube’s brightest and most reasonable.

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Miami Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen is currently taking a break from the team’s road trip for a pit stop in Miami to dish out a few thousand apologies for a comment he recently made to Time magazine. If you’re unfamiliar – and chances are you’re not – here’s the comment:

“I love Fidel Castro. I respect Fidel Castro. You know why? A lot of people have wanted to kill Fidel Castro for the last 60 years, but that mother*cker is still here.”

People in Miami hate Castro, in case you haven’t read a history book in the past 60 years, so it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise that anti-Castro groups are absolutely losing their sh*t over this incredibly stupid comment, and the Marlins already responded by suspending Guillen for 5 games. And the main reason I’m calling it stupid is because you shouldn’t ever say the phrase “I love Fidel Castro.” Even if the guy cures puppy AIDS, your response should still be: “That was cool, but Fidel Castro is still an assbag.”

I understand what Guillen was trying to say, but as usual he didn’t put much thought into what he was actually saying and who he was saying it to. So it didn’t take too long for the Internet to react and of course the people who didn’t get it freaked out and called for Guillen’s head and the people who did get it turned it into the joke of the day.

Daniel Tosh got it and he created #OzzieMisquotes on Twitter to mostly humorous results. I say mostly because a lot of people – A LOT – didn’t understand the joke and either took offense to the responses or made terrible jokes in response. I hate being a soap box guy here about Twitter, but whichever presidential candidate vows to clean up bad jokes on Twitter will get my vote.

That said, here are my 20 favorite #OzzieMisquotes from yesterday.

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