When this season’s awards are eventually given out, Aaron Rodgers is going to be the NFL’s Most Valuable Player. There will be compelling cases for his QB peers Tom Brady and Drew Brees, who will probably break Dan Marino’s passing record tonight. And many sports writers will cry foul that Ray Rice, who has been virtually silent about his contract situation with the Baltimore Ravens in the classiest way possible, deserves it for carrying the Baltimore Ravens to the playoffs. But having had more sleep in the past few days than I get in most months, my brain is firing off insane ideas today, including the argument that San Francisco 49ers kicker David Akers deserves to be NFL MVP. You read that right.

Trust me, I know how absurd this is and I deserve everyone calling me insane and throwing lit cigarettes at me, because in no universe should a kicker mean more to his team than a QB, RB or All-Pro linebacker. But the 49ers have had such an incredible season, seeing as most morons – *points to self* – figured this would be a cake walk year in the NFC West for the St. Louis Rams, who ended up being a bigger disappointment than Sucker Punch. Before you start lining up to give me atomic wedgies, though, let’s at least look at the numbers.

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The punter for the Indianapolis Colts, Pat McAfee, was arrested at 5:00AM Wednesday morning for public intoxication in a neighborhood canal. Pat had a BAC of 0.15, and while there is no law on the books for intoxication limits for public waterways, McAfee does appear to be in violation of the Indiana law stating “baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.” (DumbLaws) Police were alerted after a woman called 911 reporting a wet, shirtless man stumbling towards her vehicle at a red light.

The money quote comes to us from The Daily Caller…

Officers asked McAfee if he had been swimming in the canal and he said “I am not sure,” according to a police report. They asked him how he got wet and he said it had been raining, then told officers that his shirt was “in the water.”

Police asked McAfee how much he had to drink.

“A lot cause I am drunk,” McAfee said, according to the report.

The Colts are investigating the matter. No word yet on pending team or league suspension so there’s no need to check your fantasy league waiver wire for a new punter just yet. This is the fourth Colts player to be arrested on an alcohol related charge this year, providing further evidence there really isn’t much to do in Indianapolis but get drunk and stumble around.

ASYLUM POLL: Is the kicker over-valued in football?

For once, I have taken a side in KSK’s debate of the weekly “Meast” and “Least” awards. Well, for the Least anyway. While Ufford has been clamoring for the Saints as a team “Least” recipient. Not only did they let barely get into overtime against the Atlanta Falcons, but they clock-blocked themselves just before blocking the game-winning field goal after getting a stop on Atlanta’s opening drive in OT). My counter-argument for Hartley was pretty simple: If he makes that 29-yarder to win the game, none of that other stuff matters. Read the rest of this entry »

Even though placekickers in the NFL have seen their respective values and reputations increase over the last 25 years, one has to wonder why a team would go out of its way to hold onto one. Sure, there might be five or six very good kickers in the league today, but the rest are absolutely interchangable. They don’t have to memorize plays, they don’t suffer from physical wear and tear like their heftier counterparts, and few (if any) have any effect on the club’s demeanor as a whole.

But with Oakland Raiders kicker Sebastian Janikowski, as with most things Raiders, that logic seemed to fly out the window. Janikowski just re-signed with a four-year deal that will pay him $16 million. That’s slightly less per year than Sage Rosenfels agreed to with the pre-Favre Vikings last year. Janikowski, who would have been eligible for free agency in eight days, will get $9 million guaranteed. That’s an insane valuation of a player whom, as far as anyone knows, does not lay golden eggs.

But seriously, how does Oakland get any return whatsoever on this deal? It’s not like Raiders fans are buying up all the No. 11 jerseys they can in Oakland. Nobody is wandering into Alameda to watch this guy kick, not that any of those kicks would shift a 5-11 season to a 6-10 season. It’s hard to justify having a big-game kicker when your team doesn’t play in any.

You’ve read the headline. Dallas Cowboys rookie kicker David Buehler (left) has a locker next to rookie defensive back DeAngelo Smith (right). So if a white kicker challenges a black DB to a 50-yard sprint, where is your money? Now read the blockquote will I start building that ice rink in Hell that I’ve always wanted:

After practice Tuesday, Buehler outran rookie defensive back DeAngelo Smith in a 50-yard dash by a step. Smith says Buehler beat him “fair and square,” but that there will be a rematch.

Buehler, like Smith a fifth-round pick by the Cowboys in April, isn’t the average kicker. He ran 40 yards in 4.57 seconds at the combine and had 25 repetitions bench-pressing 225 pounds. via.

Cowboys coach Wade Phillips has already vetoed any potential rematch. Whatever, coach. He’s just jealous that other people can actually run more than 50 yards without stopping to eat. So am I, actually.

Steelers kicker Jeff Reed gets photographed drunk or drunk and shirtless or drunk and exposing his genitals every other week, so I guess this isn't the biggest news you'll see all day.  But still, it's good to see him relaxing in Vegas and proving once and for all that a man can pull off wearing a tiara and pink bibs and sashes — but only if he clenches his jaw and sticks his lips out.  If young Jersey guidos have taught us anything, it's that the modified Blue Steel look is the surest way to tell a camera, "I'm a fuckin' badass, yo."  No, wait.  Not "fuckin' badass."  "Witless douchebag" is what I meant to write.  I always get those two mixed up.

[Kissing Suzy Kolber]