Down by 3 points to Carl Edwards in the Sprint Cup Series standings, Tony Stewart won the Ford 400 – the final race of the Chase – yesterday to tie Edwards, marking the first time in NASCAR history that the season ended at a draw. Fortunately for Stewart, he had 5 wins on the season to Edwards’ 1, which means that Smoke is the 2011 Sprint Cup Champion. And that’s awesome for Stewart and his fans, especially how he won in dramatic fashion after sucking for a good chunk of the year, but nobody cares about that today.

The other, much more scandalous story out of the Homestead-Miami Speedway is that First Lady Michelle Obama and Vice President Joe Biden’s wife, Jill, hosted a barbecue for some military service members and their families before the race, and that’s awesome because I love anything that honors our soldiers and shows them some appreciation, whether it be some ribs and burgers at the racetrack or slow grinding against Mila Kunis.

So of course when Michelle and Jill – we’re cool like that – were introduced to the crowd before the race, they were booed. YOU GOT YER POLATICKS IN MAH VROOM VROOMS!

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Sadly, not photoshopped.

Suck for Luck. It’s a pretty simple phrase, right? I mean, it shouldn’t take a team of rocket scientists to comprehend that Stanford QB Andrew Luck is the top QB prospect in college football right now and his name rhymes with suck. Therefore, “Suck for Luck” isn’t exactly unique and I certainly don’t take credit for coming up with the phrase, and this certainly isn’t the only site that posts a “Suck for Luck” power ranking each week. (We’ve just been posting this one longer than the others, so thanks for that.)

I bring this up because I read a humorous argument on the Twitters last week between people taking credit for the “Suck for Luck” campaign, with one person going as far as to claim he came up with it when Luck was a freshman. I won’t point any fingers because this is frivolous and these people don’t deserve the attention, but I just wanted to take a moment to remind people that fans of the Indianapolis Colts and the Miami Dolphins actually have a reason to remain involved with their seasons, no matter what Dwight Freeney and Karlos Dansby think about it.

Let’s not ruin that by being douchebags about taking credit for something that a 5-year old could have created. If we can all agree on that, let’s get on with this week’s suck.

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The Miami Dolphins are 0-5. In no sport is that a good way to start a season, especially in the NFL, where teams don’t have the luxury of needlessly long seasons like the NBA and MLB. So it goes without saying that as the New England Patriots have once again established themselves as the standard in the AFC East, and the Buffalo Bills have proven that a franchise can climb out of a dumpster, Dolphins fans are pretty pissed off. Enter: The “Suck for Luck” faithful.

Very few people believe that Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck isn’t one of the most enticing arms in NFL draft history. By nearly every expert account, Luck is a sure fire NFL franchise QB – the next John Elway, Peyton Manning, and especially Dan Marino. That said, you’ll have to forgive Miami fans if they’re just a little intrigued by the idea of adding someone like that.

Too bad Karlos Dansby couldn’t give a damn, bro.

“It’s not right, bro. It’s not right,” Dansby said. “We put too much into this, man, to have the fans say that – period, point blank — or even promote that campaign. It’s kind of sad.”

“It pisses me off,” he said. “I don’t understand nothing about that. I put too many hours into this, man, put too many years into this, sacrificed too much to ask somebody to put that stipulation on me and my teammates. Because I know how much we put into this.”

“Man, we got 11 games. What are you talking about?” Dansby said. “We can’t look at next season. We’ve got 11 games. We can win ‘em out, and then what? Then you’d be biting your tongue. Those guys that are saying that are fair-weather fans. They’re not real Dolphins fans.”

(Via the Sun-Sentinel)

Win ‘em out? OK, if the Dolphins win their next 11 games, I will legally change my name to “Karlos Dansby’s Bitch.” Dolphins coach Tony Sparano also chimed in on the “campaign.”

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After the Denver Broncos lost to the Oakland Raiders in Week 1, a fan hit the message boards and vowed to take advantage of 1980s family road trip advertising strategies by erecting two billboards in downtown Denver, showcasing his demand for new coach John Fox to make Tim Tebow the starting quarterback. Some other Broncos fans – presumably interstate truck drivers – offered to chip in some cash for the $10,000 that they would need for this ridiculous idea.

Well, two weeks later and a 1-2 record, Tebow still isn’t starting and Fox doesn’t give a pony’s pecker what a couple fans think. And the fans who said they were going to raise those billboards never did. Another fan, though, stole their unoriginal idea and the billboards are now alive and everything you could have ever imagined.

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"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Last night, the mainstream sports media salivated for hours over Michael Vick’s return – again – to Atlanta to face his old team, the Falcons. Of course, the whole team is practically different with a brand new franchise QB, but that doesn’t stop people from barfing rhetoric over what Vick meant to the Falcons, how his success with the Philadelphia Eagles affects his former fans, and how some fans still worship him over Matt Ryan. Basically, it’s a very lazy implication that white people love Matty Ice and black people love Vick.

Whatever the case may be, it’s our job to look at what truly matters – the actual football game. Each week, I’ll be breaking down a Game of the Week using my cock sure NFL expertise, scientific theories, and pure, unadulterated fact to recap the action and blow your minds. Now put on your assless pants, because we’re going to get funky with the Falcons’ exciting victory over the Eagles.

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Despite passing for 304 yards and a touchdown in Monday night’s 23-20 loss to the Oakland Raiders, Kyle Orton has invoked the fury of the Denver boo birds. Orton, who threw one interception and lost a fumble on a key drive, had fans chanting, “We want Tebow” late in the game, and now some Broncos fans are taking their determination to oust Orton and his neck beard in favor of Tim Tebow, even though he’s not even the backup.

A Broncos fan in Kentucky posted on a message board that he’d like to purchase two billboards in downtown Denver to show the fan demand for new coach John Fox to name Tebow the starter. Jesse Oaks claims that a number of fans have chipped in to afford the $10,000 for the two prehistoric forms of advertising, and they’re moving ahead with their diabolical plan.

“We believe in Coach Fox. We’re just tired of Kyle Orton,” Oaks said. “We were sitting around after Fox said he didn’t hear the chants for (Tim) Tebow and we figured if he’s deaf, we hope he’s not blind.”

“It just feels like we’re a team that’s settling for mediocrity,” Oaks said. “We’re not blind. We know when we see good football.

“We see other teams making good plays and we don’t see that from our team. We can sink or swim with Tim Tebow. Why wait a few more years?” (Via The Denver Post)

Fox, of course, claims that he never heard the chants, but when asked about the billboard threat he was pretty much dead on.

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