The American League secured home-field advantage in the World Series by extending its All-Star Game winning streak to ten games with a 5-4 victory last night.  Seattle Mariner Ichiro Suzuki earned MVP honors by going 3-for-3 with a two-run inside-the-park homer, while former Mariner Ken Griffey Jr was one of the few NL position players who decided to show up, driving in two runs and getting an outfield assist by throwing out former Mariner Alex Rodriguez at the plate.

The AL survived a scare in the 9th inning when lazy douchebag Brian Roberts ruined Mariner closer JJ Putz's 1-2-3 inning by allowing Dmitri Young (!) to get an infield single.  Rattled by Roberts's incompetence, Putz gave up a two-run homer to Alfonso Soriano and a walk before giving way to Francisco Rogriguez, who walked the bases full before ending the game.

After the game, Ichiro looked dapper as he accepted a clear phallus from Bud Selig and a hybrid SUV from some car guy.  Then Jeanne Zelasko conducted an awkward interview through Ichiro's translator, at the end of which she announced to the crowd, "…and he's gonna be a free agent!!!"  Ummm… except not.  Reports surfaced earlier in the evening that Ichiro signed an extension with the M's, but that would have required her to be, you know, prepared.  But good work, Jeanne.  Your makeup looked great.  For a drag queen.

Some news and notes from the baseball diamond:

♦ Julian Tavarez has unorthodox cures: "Tavarez has been making his last few starts with a torn blister at the tip of his right middle finger, which he has been successfully self-treating in a unique way. He said that he dealt with the problem by: 1) popping the blister, 2) repeatedly swabbing it with rubbing alcohol, 3) crushing aspirin, mixing it with Red Bull energy drink and rubbing it on the wound. The process has dried and hardened the broken skin."  Red Bull as topical ointment?  That's gotta be more dangerous than BenGay.

♦ Ichiro is honest: "The Mariners were clearly not thrilled with the detour before opening a three-game series against the Chicago Cubs on Tuesday. 'To tell the truth, I’m not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to,' Ichiro said through an interpreter. 'If I ever saw myself saying I’m excited going to Cleveland, I’d punch myself in the face, because I’m lying.'"  This is now my favorite athlete quote of all time.

♦ A-Rod likes she-males: Not a new story, but I feel like it's worth mentioning again.  

I always feel guilty when I write a Mariners post, because most of you sexy readers can't find Seattle on a map.  Hell, I'm surprised most of you can read.  And I know for a fact there are a handful of you that only look at the pictures.

But it's noteworthy that Ichiro! Suzuki extended his hitting streak to 24 games with a 3-for-5 night, tying the team record held by franchise stalwart Edgar Martinez Ken Griffey Jr Joey Cora, as the Mariners continued to hover above .500 with a 9-5 win over the struggling Rangers.  The Mariners racked up 14 hits, 13 of them singles.  Ah, Safeco.  I believe the power alleys extend to Vancouver.

For the Rangers, roid-alicious DH Sammy Sosa struck out four times, and starter Vicente Padilla fell to 2-8 by giving up seven runs in his three innings of work.  He's like Jeff Weaver, but with two more wins, and cheaper.

Other MLB news: Prince Fielder hit his NL-leading 19th homer (giving him 13 for the month) as the Brew Crew beat the Marlins 4-3… The Orioles have won six in a row?… Shawn Chacon pitched masterfully, but the Padres won in 11 over the Pirates.  Just for fun, Josh Bard and Bud Black got ejected for arguing a reversed home run call by the umpire crew… Mark Buerhle only gave up two hits, but they were both solo home runs that gave Rot Halladay and the Blue Jays a 2-0 victory.  Whatsa matter, Buehrle?  Can't throw a no-hitter?

USA Today has a feature article on one of the two redeeming pieces of the Seattle Mariners organization, Ichiro Suzuki.  Ichiro has been known to offer the occasional strange quote that somehow feels lost in translation, but as the USS Mariner points out, some of these really stand out:

On performance-enhancing drugs: “When you take steroids, it’s not as if wings grow out of your back, and you start flying all over the place and stealing home runs (from hitters).

No kidding.  Although that would make testing a lot easier.  "No wings?  Okay, you're clean." 

Tiger Woods’ athleticism: “Tiger is a great golfer, but … when you say athlete, I think of Carl Lewis. When you talk about (golfers or race-car drivers), I don’t want to see them run. It’s the same if you were to meet a beautiful girl and go bowling. If she’s an ugly bowler, you are going to be disappointed.”

The distance traveled by that quote is amazing.  It's a transcontinental train of thought.  But seriously, I won't tolerate some gutterball-throwing broad.  I've got league night, and I'll be damned if she's gonna bring down the team's average.