On July 5, in the 10th inning of a 2-2 game against the Oakland Athletics, Franklin Gutierrez and Brendan Ryan scored to give the Seattle Mariners a 4-2 victory and a .500 record. Normally that kind of story wouldn’t be worth telling, but it was also the last time that Seattle has won a game. Since that night in Oakland, the Mariners have lost 17 games in a row. The American League record is 21 (1988 Baltimore Orioles) and the Major League Baseball record is 23 (1961 Philadelphia Phillies). After last night’s 4-1 one-hit loss to C.C. Sabathia and the New York Yankees, it’s looking like a record could be on the cold, rainy Emerald City horizon.

As a St. Louis Cardinals fan, I’m generally regarded as one of the most intelligent, classy and, in this case, sympathetic fans in sports. Seattle fans are a good, knowledgeable and loyal bunch, but they’re never really regarded in the same conversations as the other heartbroken fan bases in sports, like those of the Pittsburgh Pirates or the Cleveland Anythings. After losing the Supersonics to Oklahoma City and Super Bowl XL to the Pittsburgh Steelers, the fans of Seattle sports really only have the Mariners to hang their hopes on (with all due respect to Charlie Whitehurst and your 2011 Seahawks).

That’s why this losing streak is just so sad. Sad enough that I thought we could take a look back at the games, with the help of some really sad pooches. Oh, and for full appreciation of a Mariners fan’s sorrow, play this song in another window.

Special Breaking Score Update: There’s been a new dog added to reflect today’s Yankees-Mariners outcome.

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UPDATE: Now with working video.

Things haven’t been going too swimmingly for the Seattle Mariners lately, having signed Erik Bedard’s injuries to a huge contract, trading away Carlos Silva and his wins for Milton Bradley’s crazy ass, and recently trading Cliff Lee to their division rivals, the Texas Rangers, because they can’t score any runs to win games. Luckily for fans, Seattle still has Ichiro Suzuki, a future Hall-of-Famer, outstanding hitter, and one sweet ladies man.

As the Mariners (35-53) dropped three games out of four to the New York Yankees over the weekend, a few sports anchors had a good time with a moment from Thursday night’s 3-1 Yankee victory. Chasing a foul ball into the right field seats, Ichiro bumped into a young lady and promptly apologized for it by touching her leg. The rest is one girl’s long, strange journey into womanhood.

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The American League has never lost an All-Star Game in which Ichiro Suzuki has played, and several players (including Ichiro) credit it to the usually taciturn star's expletive-ridden tirade to his teammates before the game.  Apparently, the Mariner has a mouth like a sailor.  And that's why it's free to read this site.  You get what you pay for, folks.

He crafts his public portrayal similar to the image he projects on the field: a technician, a warrior, a Ph.D. in stoicism. In reality, Ichiro’s All-Star teammates love him for his wicked sense of humor and sly deceit, shown with a vocabulary far more expansive than he leads on…

“If you’ve never seen it, it’s definitely something pretty funny,” [Justin] Morneau said. “It’s hard to explain, the effect it has on everyone. It’s such a tense environment. Everyone’s a little nervous for the game, and then he comes out. He doesn’t say a whole lot the whole time he’s in there, and all of a sudden, the manager gets done with his speech, and he pops off.” [...]

Ichiro was asked how much he believes the speech has contributed to the AL dominance that has stretched more than a decade now. “I’ve got to say over 90 percent,” he said.

I know I'm a prissy little fanboy for Ichiro, but that's still pretty awesome.  I'm disrespectful to the NL!  Can you see I am serious?  Get out of my way, all of you!  This is no place for loafers. Join me or die. Can you do any less?

[The Slanch Report]

Mariners centerfielder Ichiro has a long and glorious history of quotes that may or may not make sense in his native Japanese but sound awesomely ridiculous in English (with this one being the all-time best), and he waited all of about 20 seconds after arriving to spring training to add to his legend. 

In case you haven't paid attention to offseason moves, the M's sacrificed a huge chunk of their future in a vain attempt to compete with the Angels this year when they traded gold-star prospect (and excellent source of outfield defense) Adam Jones and others to the Orioles for Erik Bedard, which will almost certainly blow up in Seattle's collective face.  But Ichiro's fine with having aging relics on either side of him at spacious Safeco.  From Geoff Baker's Mariners Blog (via USSM):

Ichiro seemed to be joking when we asked him about newcomer Brad Wilkerson in right field and Raul Ibanez in left… "If the other corner outfielders have too much speed and too much ability and try to do too much, it's hard for me,'' he said.

Ha ha, it's funny because they suck!  Seriously, if I said that Raul Ibanez could run down a routine fly ball, I'd punch myself in the face, because I'd be lying.

The American League secured home-field advantage in the World Series by extending its All-Star Game winning streak to ten games with a 5-4 victory last night.  Seattle Mariner Ichiro Suzuki earned MVP honors by going 3-for-3 with a two-run inside-the-park homer, while former Mariner Ken Griffey Jr was one of the few NL position players who decided to show up, driving in two runs and getting an outfield assist by throwing out former Mariner Alex Rodriguez at the plate.

The AL survived a scare in the 9th inning when lazy douchebag Brian Roberts ruined Mariner closer JJ Putz's 1-2-3 inning by allowing Dmitri Young (!) to get an infield single.  Rattled by Roberts's incompetence, Putz gave up a two-run homer to Alfonso Soriano and a walk before giving way to Francisco Rogriguez, who walked the bases full before ending the game.

After the game, Ichiro looked dapper as he accepted a clear phallus from Bud Selig and a hybrid SUV from some car guy.  Then Jeanne Zelasko conducted an awkward interview through Ichiro's translator, at the end of which she announced to the crowd, "…and he's gonna be a free agent!!!"  Ummm… except not.  Reports surfaced earlier in the evening that Ichiro signed an extension with the M's, but that would have required her to be, you know, prepared.  But good work, Jeanne.  Your makeup looked great.  For a drag queen.

Some news and notes from the baseball diamond:

♦ Julian Tavarez has unorthodox cures: "Tavarez has been making his last few starts with a torn blister at the tip of his right middle finger, which he has been successfully self-treating in a unique way. He said that he dealt with the problem by: 1) popping the blister, 2) repeatedly swabbing it with rubbing alcohol, 3) crushing aspirin, mixing it with Red Bull energy drink and rubbing it on the wound. The process has dried and hardened the broken skin."  Red Bull as topical ointment?  That's gotta be more dangerous than BenGay.

♦ Ichiro is honest: "The Mariners were clearly not thrilled with the detour before opening a three-game series against the Chicago Cubs on Tuesday. 'To tell the truth, I’m not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to,' Ichiro said through an interpreter. 'If I ever saw myself saying I’m excited going to Cleveland, I’d punch myself in the face, because I’m lying.'"  This is now my favorite athlete quote of all time.

♦ A-Rod likes she-males: Not a new story, but I feel like it's worth mentioning again.