Baseball isn’t real anymore. It’s just somebody’s weird fan-fic. I’m gonna go watch my VHS blooper tapes and report them as news.

If you’re still able to watch baseball with all this happening, then maybe you’d like to sign up for our bi-weeklyish fantasy baseball game through FanDuel.com. This week’s game goes down on Friday (July 27) and we’re playing it just like last time — you can sign up and draft up to three teams for two dollars a pop and win cash from a $500 prize pool. If you’re good at this kind of thing, it’s the easiest possible way to make money. I wouldn’t shill it if it required hard work.

We’ve only got 275 spots open for this week’s game, so get your teams in now. If you haven’t played before, here’s the ever-helpful infographic:

Remember, we’re playing on Friday night, so sign up as soon as you can and get your three teams in. If you wait another day, everybody’ll be traded and you’ll be trying to start Ichiro on the Lake County Captains. You’re just going to make it harder for yourself.

[banner photo via AP]

The New York Yankees bounced back from their humiliating 4-game sweep at the hands of the Oakland Athletics over the weekend by not only beating the Seattle Mariners 4-1 on the field, but also by crushing the spirit of the entire city. In what can only be described as one of those baseball trades that “had to be done for the sake of the aging star”, the Mariners traded their franchise superstar Ichiro Suzuki to the Yankees for a pair of prospects and hopefully a can of Pringles, because they’re delicious.

What made this trade so remarkable wasn’t that it even happened in the first place, but that it went down before the Yankees came to Safeco Field and played the Mariners. That’s like the Patriots trading Tom Brady to the Jets on a Sunday morning or the Lakers trading Kobe Bryant to the Celtics on Christmas Day. But this is ultimately about the star who gave all and received very little from his team in return. As Ichiro said:

“I am going from a team with the most losses (in the American League) to a team with the most wins,” he said. “It’s hard to contain my excitement for that reason.”

Ichiro was greeted with a standing ovation and probably enough misty eyes to fill a second Puget Sound, as he belted a single up the middle for his first at-bat as a Yankee. And there goes another one, a Mariners legend, like Ken Griffey Jr. and Alex Rodriguez before him, gone without fulfilling an Emerald City dream of winning a World Series.

Death Cab for Cutie front man Ben Gibbard knows how Mariners fans must feel right now, as he has finally released a song that he wrote about Ichiro a few years ago, called “Ichiro’s Theme”. Like to hear it? Here it goes.

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On July 5, in the 10th inning of a 2-2 game against the Oakland Athletics, Franklin Gutierrez and Brendan Ryan scored to give the Seattle Mariners a 4-2 victory and a .500 record. Normally that kind of story wouldn’t be worth telling, but it was also the last time that Seattle has won a game. Since that night in Oakland, the Mariners have lost 17 games in a row. The American League record is 21 (1988 Baltimore Orioles) and the Major League Baseball record is 23 (1961 Philadelphia Phillies). After last night’s 4-1 one-hit loss to C.C. Sabathia and the New York Yankees, it’s looking like a record could be on the cold, rainy Emerald City horizon.

As a St. Louis Cardinals fan, I’m generally regarded as one of the most intelligent, classy and, in this case, sympathetic fans in sports. Seattle fans are a good, knowledgeable and loyal bunch, but they’re never really regarded in the same conversations as the other heartbroken fan bases in sports, like those of the Pittsburgh Pirates or the Cleveland Anythings. After losing the Supersonics to Oklahoma City and Super Bowl XL to the Pittsburgh Steelers, the fans of Seattle sports really only have the Mariners to hang their hopes on (with all due respect to Charlie Whitehurst and your 2011 Seahawks).

That’s why this losing streak is just so sad. Sad enough that I thought we could take a look back at the games, with the help of some really sad pooches. Oh, and for full appreciation of a Mariners fan’s sorrow, play this song in another window.

Special Breaking Score Update: There’s been a new dog added to reflect today’s Yankees-Mariners outcome.

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UPDATE: Now with working video.

Things haven’t been going too swimmingly for the Seattle Mariners lately, having signed Erik Bedard’s injuries to a huge contract, trading away Carlos Silva and his wins for Milton Bradley’s crazy ass, and recently trading Cliff Lee to their division rivals, the Texas Rangers, because they can’t score any runs to win games. Luckily for fans, Seattle still has Ichiro Suzuki, a future Hall-of-Famer, outstanding hitter, and one sweet ladies man.

As the Mariners (35-53) dropped three games out of four to the New York Yankees over the weekend, a few sports anchors had a good time with a moment from Thursday night’s 3-1 Yankee victory. Chasing a foul ball into the right field seats, Ichiro bumped into a young lady and promptly apologized for it by touching her leg. The rest is one girl’s long, strange journey into womanhood.

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The American League has never lost an All-Star Game in which Ichiro Suzuki has played, and several players (including Ichiro) credit it to the usually taciturn star's expletive-ridden tirade to his teammates before the game.  Apparently, the Mariner has a mouth like a sailor.  And that's why it's free to read this site.  You get what you pay for, folks.

He crafts his public portrayal similar to the image he projects on the field: a technician, a warrior, a Ph.D. in stoicism. In reality, Ichiro’s All-Star teammates love him for his wicked sense of humor and sly deceit, shown with a vocabulary far more expansive than he leads on…

“If you’ve never seen it, it’s definitely something pretty funny,” [Justin] Morneau said. “It’s hard to explain, the effect it has on everyone. It’s such a tense environment. Everyone’s a little nervous for the game, and then he comes out. He doesn’t say a whole lot the whole time he’s in there, and all of a sudden, the manager gets done with his speech, and he pops off.” [...]

Ichiro was asked how much he believes the speech has contributed to the AL dominance that has stretched more than a decade now. “I’ve got to say over 90 percent,” he said.

I know I'm a prissy little fanboy for Ichiro, but that's still pretty awesome.  I'm disrespectful to the NL!  Can you see I am serious?  Get out of my way, all of you!  This is no place for loafers. Join me or die. Can you do any less?

[The Slanch Report]

Mariners centerfielder Ichiro has a long and glorious history of quotes that may or may not make sense in his native Japanese but sound awesomely ridiculous in English (with this one being the all-time best), and he waited all of about 20 seconds after arriving to spring training to add to his legend. 

In case you haven't paid attention to offseason moves, the M's sacrificed a huge chunk of their future in a vain attempt to compete with the Angels this year when they traded gold-star prospect (and excellent source of outfield defense) Adam Jones and others to the Orioles for Erik Bedard, which will almost certainly blow up in Seattle's collective face.  But Ichiro's fine with having aging relics on either side of him at spacious Safeco.  From Geoff Baker's Mariners Blog (via USSM):

Ichiro seemed to be joking when we asked him about newcomer Brad Wilkerson in right field and Raul Ibanez in left… "If the other corner outfielders have too much speed and too much ability and try to do too much, it's hard for me,'' he said.

Ha ha, it's funny because they suck!  Seriously, if I said that Raul Ibanez could run down a routine fly ball, I'd punch myself in the face, because I'd be lying.