Links

Christmas Commercials from the 1950s and ’60s Are the Best - … but none of them are as good as that McDonald’s one. And the McDonald’s one isn’t as good as Peter returning home for Folgers. [Warming Glow]

Television’s Biggest Douchebags in 2011 - I’m not sure Glenn Beck qualifies as a “douchebag” so much as he does for “person who should not be allowed to say things on TV and influence people because he’s basically a televangelist and is making things way worse”. [Warming Glow]

The Prometheus Trailer Is Finally Here - I really hope this movie ends with Catwoman kicking Michael Fassbender in the nuts. [Film Drunk]

The KSK Sex & Fantasy Football Mailbag: Aaron rodgers Is Going To Screw Us, Isn’t He - Probably. Tim Tebow isn’t going to screw us, though, he’s going to be a nice person forever. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Hollywood’s Hottest Jews: Some People Are Just A Little More “Chosen” Than Others - Yes, Alison Brie and Kat Dennings are amazing, but holy sh*t this article title. If I wrote “hollywood’s hottest jews” on something and published it I’d probably hang myself. [Pajiba]

5 Design Problems Video Games Really Need to Fix - Is “that frost dragon grabbing me with his mouth and shaking me around until I’ve died” a design problem? Because somebody needs to fix that one, too. [Gamma Squad]

5 Features That Will Make Me Buy The iPad 3 - One feature that will make me buy the iPad 3: my girlfriend’s angry face. [Smoking Section]

The 30 Craziest Facebook Stories Of 2011 - Also known as “cool story bro 2011″. None of these stories are as interesting as that picture I took with J. Worthington “Honest John” Foulfellow at Disneyland. [Buzzfeed]

MMA Gif Party: The Best Gifs Of 2011 - I can’t decide whether this list makes me like MMA more or less. Probably more. [Cage Potato]

The Most Awesome, And The Most Awesomely Bad, Metal Album Covers Of The Year - I can’t believe people still make metal albums. [FARK]

The Seven Best Steven Spielberg Movies - In order: Raiders, Empire of the Sun, Jaws, Jurassic Park, Schindler’s List, E.T., Always. Ha, just kidding on the last one. [Unreality]

You might be asking yourself why I’m writing a blog post about former Olympic ice skater Nancy Kerrigan. “Why?” you might ask. “Why? Why?” Well, since you asked that many times, I’ll tell you. Nancy Kerrigan is every bit as important to 90s popular culture as Kurt Cobain or Nickelodeon Gak, so when she’s in a car accident it should be considered news. I mean, I guess it shouldn’t, but it’s pretty funny to think that Kerrigan is the protagonist in her own Final Destination and has been barely avoiding death for the last twenty years.

Via NBC Sports:

Kerrigan’s tire flew off of her Chevy Tahoe, and that tire nearly went through the windshield of a passing minivan. The driver of the other vehicle says she was bracing herself for the impact of that tire when Kerrigan’s vehicle hit the front of her minivan. Apparently Kerrigan’s tire had just been repaired before it flew off, forcing her car to swerve.

“We just had an accident. It’s a little shaken up…I’m glad everybody and the kids are okay. It’s scary…it’s a scary thing,” said Kerrigan.

Tonya Harding was supposed to be in that accident, but ended up sitting in a parked car in her driveway all day, crying about how her shoelaces won’t tie. In a less funny joke, Kerrigan was in the Wakefield Mass area to visit the trial of her brother Mark, who is facing manslaughter charges. I hope the court finds out he’s just Shawn Eckhardt in a fright wig.

Thanks to John for the tip on this: An ice skating bear in Russia (not pictured) killed one of its trainers and wounded another during a circus rehearsal in Kyrgyzstan. This is why it kicks ass to be a bear. When you reach middle age as a human, all you can do is buy a more expensive car. But if you’re a bear, you can eat people!

Workers had to drag the bear away during the attack, according to the director of the arena, Kurmangazy Isanayev.

The exits were closed off as staff waited for the emergency services.

Police shot the bear dead at the scene. –Fox News.

Sky News reports that over 3,000 animals work in Russian circuses. Leave it to a former communist regime to eradicate animal unemployment within 20 years. If they ever teach those bears how to shoot guns, the fall of the Western world will be eminent. Let’s hope they learn how to roll joints and illegally download music first.

Russian figure skater Ekaterina Rubleva, competing in the pairs competition at the European Championships in Helsinki, made ice skating infinitely better when she inadvertently exposed her breast during her performance (link NSFW).

Rubleva was being twirled around by her partner, Ivan Shefer, when her costume started to slip. The 23-year-old kept smiling, but with the next move requiring her partner to hold her hand above her head, the inevitable happened.

…He fixed the cable?

Her top fell down, exposing her breast – but, ever the professionals, the couple smiled at each other and danced on.

Wow, that guy really showed a lot of restraint, acting like nothing happened.  I’m sorry, what’s that?  He’s an ice skater?  What are you trying to say?  Hey mister, I’ll have you know that women LOVE male ice skaters.  Like that Brian Boitano — what power and grace!  I wonder why he’s still single?

Full NSFW pictures after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

Molly Oberstar is a 20-year-old figure skater from Duluth who is vying for the national title at the U.S Figure Skating Championships.  She also happens to be attractive: she’s one of 12 finalists for Mpls. St. Paul Magazine’s “Real Model” contest.  And in a day when so many athletes never show us their true selves, Molly is refreshingly candid:

I have physical attributes that would qualify me to be a real model. I am 5-feet-8-inches tall with a slender build that is toned by fifteen years of competing in the sport of figure skating. My eyes are large, my lips full, my legs long. Many have told me that I should be a model. Some have even told me that I have an exotic, European look.

I can already hear the ugly people bitching about that.  That’s not her being full of herself, that’s fact.  Fact: she’s 5’8″.  Fact: her eyes are large.  Fact: her lips are full and her legs are long.  Fact: your pants are unzipped.

Listen, attractive people like Molly and me shouldn’t have to apologize for what God gave us, okay?  Do you think I enjoy this burden of having an electric smile and great hair and a huge penis?  Well, actually, I do.  But that doesn’t mean it’s not still a burden.

[Story: Randball; Images: flickr and pbase]

Two-time Olympic gold medal-winning ice dancer Pasha Grishuk was drugged with GHB, aka the "date rape drug" aka "how Long Island's population keeps growing."  Grishuk, however, alerted police before she was primed for love.

The two-time Olympic gold medal winner attended a business meeting at the swanky St. Regis in the OC on April 12. Grishuk ordered a glass of wine at the table, which she briefly left unattended. After taking a few more sips, Pasha noticed a half-dissolved pill at the bottom of her glass. By the time cops and paramedics arrived, Pasha was feeling numb and ill. They also found a second glass she had been drinking from in the lounge and it had residue from a pill as well.

Ugh, that's terrible.  She doesn't deserve that at all.  She deserves to be stalked and drugged by a real creep, not some amateur who doesn't even grind up his pills before slipping the mickey.  What a shame.