A “major Canadian concert act” is scheduled to perform at next month’s NHL FaceOff in Winnipeg. Who could it be? The Barenaked Ladies? (The Barenaked Ladies are triple platinum. Are you?) Maybe Sarah McLachlan will show up with an eight-minute ballad about “shelter” and a crate full of one-eyed kittens. Whatever they come up with, it couldn’t be worse than the NFL bringing in Kid Rock, Maroon 5 and Lady Antebellum to christen the new NFL season, right? Right?

Before you assume the people in charge of professional sports don’t want us to kill ourselves, consider that the band could be Nickelback.

Thankfully, the people of Winnipeg (and all good people in this world) are fighting back — by way of Deadspin (+1) comes an open letter published a few days ago in the Winnipeg Free Press urging the NHL to not ruin the Jets’ return to Winnipeg with a concerto from Chad Kroeger And His Stooges.

As people who love music and love Winnipeg even more, we have a request: Please ensure this does not happen. The return of the NHL to Winnipeg is something we have been dreaming about for 15 years. Please do not sully the celebration with the presence of a band whose existence is antithetical to the very concept of celebration.

Please, Person In Charge Of Booking This Event, do not bring Nickelback to Winnipeg that weekend. They can play the arena to their own fans — of which there are many — any time. But a free public performance? That would be tantamount to spitting on Bobby Hull’s toupee, burning Dale Hawerchuk’s jersey, leaving something wet on Thomas Steen’s city council seat or tripping Teemu Selanne on the ice during his final season in the NHL.

Strong words, but strong words are necessary to preserve the morale of a sport going through three player suicides since May. You may want to type, “come on, Nickeback isn’t that bad, they’re just a rock band, if you don’t like them you don’t have to listen”. Want to know why professional wrestling has such a problem with premature deaths? It probably has something to do with this:

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Professional sports injuries are never fun unless they involve Joe Theismann, and that’s why it was painful to watch the replay of Cleveland Indians top catching prospect Carlos Santana have his leg smashed to smithereens in a home plate collision last night against the Boston Red Sox. This marks the worst thing to happen to someone named Carlos Santana since Chad Kroeger.

Santana was carted off the field after his collision with Red Sox outfielder Ryan Kalish, but in case you’re wondering about his fantasy baseball value, don’t worry. USA Today’s Steve Gardner says that you should just walk it off, p*ssy.

Take it away, Captain Sensitive:

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New revelations in the awesomeness that is Terrence Kiel's life: many of his problems, such as the ongoing federal investigation of his alleged codeine-shipping, are from massive gambling losses, with records showing "dozens of cash transactions of at least $10,000 each at area casinos." Hooray, gambling!

Officials were told in their investigation that gambling is “exactly what caused the problem, that he was in over his head because he gambles too much.”

In Kiel's defense, though, what's he supposed to do when he goes to the casino? Not gamble? Pfft.

Kiel, 26, is due in court today for a trial readiness hearing on five felony charges related to the cough syrup matter.

Best. Sentence. Ever. 

Said General Manager A.J. Smith: “We are very much aware of Terrence's personal and legal situation. We think it's best he addresses them, not us.”

Smith (probably) then added, "It's Chargers team policy to quickly distance ourselves from any wrongdoing. Unless that player is an All-Pro and/or gets caught doing steroids." Sounds like Kiel has a new door to pee on next time he's drunk.

It's just come to light that Chargers safety Terrence Kiel got busted last month for urinating outside a club in San Diego's Gaslamp Quarter. You may remember Terrence Kiel from such run-ins with law as "I got busted by the Feds for selling cough syrup for $200 a bottle to people in Texas so they can make 'lean'." So it's good to see him scale things back to simple misdemeanors with the local police.

Some columnists/moralists will inevitably pass judgment on Kiel, saying that he's a bad example to our children for urinating in public. And they'll be half-right: he's a bad example for getting caught urinating in public. For those not familiar with the Gaslamp Quarter, it's the one part of San Diego that tries to maintain some kind of club scene that enforces rules for attire. It's a haven for the city's delightfully low douchebag population (note: I mean the East-Coast breed of gelled-hair douchebags, not the new strain of Incubus-looking beach bum douchebags the West Coast is producing).

ANYWAY, take it from me: the Gaslamp is generally ill-suited for outdoor peeing: few alleys and no quiet side streets. Your only option is a good parking garage. Really, the best places to do your public urination in San Diego — other than in the ocean when you're at the beach — are the quiet side streets of Pacific Beach and behind liquor stores near the stretch of strip clubs that extends from the Marine Depot to the airport. Ummm…. that's what I heard, anyway.

This has been a With Leather public service announcement.

A day after being arrested on drug charges, Chargers safety Terrence Kiel has admitted to DEA officials that he mailed prescription cough syrup back to his hometown of Houston. Really? The Feds are cracking down on codeine abuse these days? Apparently:

While Kiel did not tell the DEA his motive, the agency in Texas has found widespread abuse of codeine-based cough syrup mixed with soft drinks or drugs and referred to as "lean"… A pint bottle of "lean" can cost between $200 and $325 on the street.

Hold on a second here. People are paying 200 bucks for a bottle NyQuil and7 Up? Whoever's running that operation has the biggest group of idiot drug users on the planet. You can get a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 for three bucks then add some seltzer water, and it's the same damn thing. What the hell is wrong with the drug trade in Houston? I live in a neighborhood full of rich yuppies with golden retrievers and four-year-olds who read Hemingway, and even I think that's lame.

Kiel, who was shot three times during an attempted carjacking before his rookie season, also admitted to authorities that he's having financial difficulties, even though he's under contract for $500,000 a year. Some people may think that's perfectly enough to live on, but that's just because they have NO IDEA how much the government takes away in taxes. In fact, Terrence Kiel is a modern-day Robin Hood. He takes cough syrup from himself and sells it to the poor. A lot of "lean" junkies call him a hero, but really he's just doing his job.