This is Cowboys WR Terrell Owens on the upcoming episode of Flavor Flav's Under One Roof.  I could share information like what channel it's on and what date and time it will air, but my priorities are to my readers, to my fellow Americans, and to generally anyone with taste, so I'm going to withhold those details. 

Remember the early days of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, when Will Smith moved his lips to other people's lines and the show was a crude amalgam of stereotypes where one black guy acted "black" while other black people acted "white"? Yeah… Under One Roof makes those Fresh Prince episodes look like Steppenwolf performing Shakespeare.  

[Shutdown Corner] 

Cowboys All-Pro wide receiver Terrell Owens makes a chance appearance (thumbnail below) in this very, VERY NSFW (not safe for work, in case you're new) collection of hardcore pornographic images at BangBros, surprising the two or three people who held on to some kind of pitiful hope that he wasn't a self-absorbed idiot.  I'm cool with appearing in pornography — who doesn't dabble in a little gay bondage to get through college? — but I imagine this is the sort of thing that NFL ReichsCommizioner Herr Goodell won't look upon fondly.  Here's the story that goes along with the, ahem, "photo essay" at BangBros.

I was cruising the Beach this week on Spring Break. I was looking for hot young babes who were into a little fun. Preferably the ones that take off all their clothes on camera and suck dick. I saw a lot of hot babes along the beach, but none that were willing [Ed. note: Prudes]. That's when I ran into Vanessa Lee, a hot babe that had done a couple shoots with us, she was bored walking around and as soon as she saw me she wanted to tag along. I got her to show me her ass and her titties in the back of my Jeep while we were cruising around the beach. In front of everyone she took off her panties and showed off her round, luscious, big, tanned Vanessa Lee ass. That Ass was incredible, it was so perfect you can put a drink on it and it would be stable. So I watched her play with herself for a while, until

You can imagine where it goes from there.  I kept hoping they'd have tea and discuss Robespierre, but if they did it's only available to paying members of the site.

[HT: The Dirty]  UPDATE: 289 got his hands on a screencap of TO's laptpop (above). 

Not to be outdone by Tom Brady's impending Calvin Klein contract, Terrell Owens is reportedly considering becoming a model:

The Dallas Cowboys wide receiver recently judged a male-model volleyball tournament at Nikki Beach in Miami and had nothing but criticisms for the 90 men. "He was overheard discussing a modeling career for himself," said a source.

Perhaps Owens could develop a new reality show with Tyra Banks to see who is more narcissistic. You're welcome Joel McHale. Or he could he appear as a runway walker for one of the losing designers on Project Runway – "He's my designer, he's my designer (/sobs)." Um, not that I watch Project Runway. Ahem, how 'bout those Bears? 

In other fashion news, a Victoria's Secret executive is concerned that the brand has become too sexy. If I were a member of the school of Cavalier poets I would agree, but since I wholeheartedly endorse the practice of women earning free breast implants, I say if anything Victoria's Secret is not sexy enough. Sir John Suckling indeed. -KD  

Cowboys wideout Terrell Owens wasn't talking to the media last Wednesday, unless the media had blonde hair and a nice ass.  Lucky for TV Azteca's Ines Sainz, a former Miss Spain, she fit those qualifications like a… uh… tight… pair of jeans.  Wow, her ass has some kind of gravitational power over my ability to write metaphors.  I don't see that every day.

You have to admit, T.O. played it really smooth with her.  Right up to the point he cried like a little bitch on television.

[sports by brooks] 

Tony Romo is now a resounding 0-2 when sexy famous blonde singers come to watch him play in Dallas, and Terrell Owens has done us all the favor of weighing in on the matter.

"Right now, Jessica Simpson is not a fan favorite in this locker room or in Texas Stadium," T.O. said. "I think with everything that has happened, and obviously the way Tony played and the comparison between her and Carrie Underwood, I think a lot of people feel like she's probably taking his focus away…

"I've got a message for her when we make the playoffs," T.O. said. "Just stay tuned."

Oh man, we're about to see a competition between Jessica and T.O. to see who can erode more team chemistry.  God, I've been waiting for T.O. to destroy the Cowboys ever since he arrived in Dallas.  This is gonna be AWESOME. 

[HT: The Big Lead, who astutely speculates that this report is false, even though it was written by a Dallas Morning News reporter who was in the Cowboys locker room. Apparently he thought it was a Page Six item or something.]

Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens stepped up his usual celebration of himself by hosting his annual birthday bash at I don't care somewhere in Texas.  Attendees included big Hollywood star Jamie Foxx (invited to make T.O. look humble and gracious), that goofy Woody-from-Toy Story-looking guy, a big black tranny, and that chick from that music group.  And they all brought teddy bears that T.O. donated to underprivileged children.

Aww that's sweet.  Now the kids have teddy bears to snuggle with when they go to bed hungry.

[you been blinded]