Get it? It's a cockfight.

NFL future Hall Of Fame quarterback Brett Favre is getting sued, but not by the former New York Jets employee that you’re expecting. Two massage therapists that used to work for the NFL club have filed suit against Favre, the Jets and a former club employee, and the money quote has to do with Favre essentially propositioning Christina Scavo and Shannon O’Toole for a threesome.

“Brett here. You and Crissy want to get together? I’m all alone,” the suit says Favre wrote. “Kinda of lonely tonight. I guess I have bad intentions,”

The third therapist, who did not join the suit, showed Scavo the message, which she brought to the attention of her husband, Joseph. The suit says Joseph Scavo contacted Favre and asked him to apologize and stop behaving inappropriately.

Favre “refused,” and “responded in an inappropriate manner,” the suit said.

–NY Daily News.

Awesome. I don’t care whether Favre plays or doesn’t play in 2011 (spoiler alert: he won’t), but I could talk about sexual harassment for days. And really, you have to be a total ass for a massage therapist to sue you, let alone two massage therapists. These are people that grab your ass for a living. My uncle tried to do that once, but then he wound up and jail, and was forbidden from coaching girls’ soccer ever again.

Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger was one of nine defendants named in a Washoe County lawsuit filed by Andrea McNulty. Washoe County includes Reno, Nevada, so you can figure that one out. But I appreciate McNulty’s consideration of the Nevada taxpayer buy suing all of these people in bulk [emphasis added].

“This weekend Andrea McNulty served Ben Roethlisberger with a civil complaint accusing him of sexually assaulting her in July 2008. Ben has never sexually assaulted anyone; especially Andrea McNulty. The timing of the lawsuit and the absence of a criminal complaint and a criminal investigation are the most compelling evidence of the absence of any criminal conduct. If an investigation is commenced, Ben will cooperate fully and Ben will be fully exonerated,” Cornwell said. via.

Mr. Roethlisberger never sexual assaulted anyone, but we’re damn sure he didn’t touch that ugly skank! [/pays ten cents to Kogod.] Yeah, you’ll forgive me if I don’t exactly take Roethlisberger’s word for it, though I think he’s situated well enough to not have to skimp on trips out west by going to Reno. Reno’s like the Wal-Mart of gambling and whores. But at least you head out in your sweatpants. There’s nothing better than giving the twins a little room to roam.

UPDATE: So…there’s this… Read the rest of this entry »

The Aiken (S.C.) Sheriff’s Office has closed the case on Stephanie Kirkland (pictured), who authorities thought molested some 13-year-old girl in a cheerleading studio [among other places..bow chicka wow-wow]. Five days ago, a continuance was granted during a prelim hearing to give the prosecution more time, which they probably squandered by harassing minorities and hiding behind billboards to catch speeders. And now they’re throwing out the case (Emphasis added):

[Kirkland] was charged with three counts of second-degree criminal sexual conduct and four counts of lewd act upon a minor. Prosecutors said Friday there was not enough evidence. Assistant Solicitor Steve Kodman would say only that there were multiple inconsistencies in the victim’s statements.

“There are times where law enforcement has enough probable cause to make an arrest, but we have to be able prove it beyond a reasonable doubt to take it to court,” Kodman said.

The solicitor’s office does not anticipate any charges will be filed against the 13-year-old who alleged the charges.

And then there’s this gem:

The sheriff’s office said they have nothing that leads them to suspect the alleged victim lied.

The comments at the end of the article are an interesting read, if you consider reading “she was innocent” 50 times to be interesting. And if you think the justice in Aiken is excellent, you should try the ribs. Delicious.

[Aiken Standard] via [Busted Coverage]

A few days ago, about eight different blogs wrote about a Cowboys training camp play in which Terrell Owens fooled Adam "no longer Pacman" Jones with a nasty double move.  At the time, I was like, "Really?  People are devoting entire blog posts individual plays happening at training camp?  That's fucking sad."

Now here it is, a couple days later, and video of said play has surfaced.  And I take back what I said, because my God it is beautiful.  Not really the play itself, just the feeling in my head: Actual professional athletes playing football!  Kind of! 

Frankly, I've had enough of this NFL offseason bullshit.  It's the 21st century now, we need all living NFL players cloned so that the NFL2 season can begin a month after the Super Bowl and last until August.  Raise your hand if you want a second NFL season every year.  That's what I thought.  Get on it, scientists.

UPDATE: Better video thanks to commenter pavement

Everyone knows Terrell Owens is an emotionally unstable narcissist bent on personal and teamwide destruction. That impression is perfectly accurate. But he did something relatively helpful last week when an ESPN writer got hit by a car following the taping of the ESPY Awards. So a delusional Cowboys fan can at least offer a brief counterpoint about how Owens isn't a total dick before you laugh them off. We always strive for balance.

From Sam Alipour's retelling of the episode:

So, this is what getting hit by a car feels like.

When I came to, I was on the sidewalk, my shoulder hurting like crazy, shards of glass in my forearm and blood dripping from my fingers, while limo drivers and other witnesses screamed this way and that. The paramedics told me I was lucky to be alive ("Last time I saw a windshield like that," said one, "guy lost both his legs"), and all I could think was, "Damn! I just bought this Banana Republic tie-and-shirt ensemble!"

That, and "Holy crap, that's T.O.!"

Terrell Owens was standing over me. I'm told he was the first do-gooder on the scene of the accident. That he helped me to my feet and off the street to safe ground. That he didn't leave my side. It seems the mercurial Dallas Cowboys receiver is my hero. But my hero looks scared, and this scares me.

"Wow, you all right, man?" Owens kept asking me, but in a manner that would suggest there is no possible way that I, in fact, could be all right. "Don't move. Just sit there. Breathe. Don't move."

It seems like, between the peaks of supreme douchiness, T.O. is good for an admirable act every four years or so. I remember watching him playing well while injured in Super Bowl XXXIX thinking that it would forever alter the way I thought about the selfish asshole. But at the first sight of his typical antics, the hate returned unchanged. That's the good thing about hate, it doesn't surprise you. Well, except for the unspeakable acts it leads you to commit. Those are a welcome surprise.

Somehow the Dallas Cowboys are "America's Team," even though the team is a haven for crooks, cranks, and malcontents.  Even though everyone hates Texas.  Even though they haven't won a playoff game in 11 years.  It probably has something to do with their cheerleaders wearing tassels and cowboy boots.  Regardless, there's plenty of big news in Big D, as cornerback Pacman Jones has been granted partial reinstatement in the NFL, and wide receiver Terrell Owens has received a contract extension and a raise. The Dallas Morning News:

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell on Monday notified Jones that he may participate in the OTAs, minicamp, training camp and preseason games. Goodell will make a final determination on a full reinstatement by Sept. 1, six days before the season opener at Cleveland.

Please Lord bless us with a preseason game in Miami.  DAMMIT!  Pac will have to find a way to make trouble in San Diego instead.  And Hashmarks on T.O.:

[Owner Jerry] Jones ignored his self-imposed rule about paying big money to aging players and gave the 34-year-old a four-year deal worth $34 million… Common sense suggests you don't make a huge financial commitment to a wide receiver in his mid-30s, but the Cowboys obviously believe that T.O. can remain at an elite level for at least two more seasons.

Yes, good call Jerry.  Common sense is fucking lame.  Spending piles of cash on STAR talent, on the other hand — that's what men of action do.  It explains why I owe thousands of dollars on my credit card after my last trip to Cheetah's.