I hope that cap is sealed, right Morrissey? LOL!

Apparently this video has been around for approximately a year, but I hadn’t seen it until late last night, which means that everyone here has to pretend like it’s their first time as well. And yes, that’s how I approach a lot of things in my life.

Meet Tsar the Ukrainian hunting dog, as he is about to become an Internet star (again) for his unique companionship. Basically, Tsar’s owner(s) has trained him to fetch bottles of vodka, and that is awesome for two reasons:

1. Animals that fetch any sort of alcoholic beverages are instantly awesome. See: This classic Bud Light ad.
2. The fact that Tsar fetches entire bottles of vodka means that these guys are all putting away multiple bottles of vodka. But I suppose this is more depressing than it is awesome, because in Russia that’s a sign of grizzled manliness, while in America it’s considered alcoholism and “dangerous to the rest of the people on your awesome party boat, Burns”.

In conclusion, Tsar is my nomination for Dog of the Week/Month and/or Year, even if this video was posted last year.

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After a few weeks of writing about shows me and three other people in the world like (Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers, Boy Meets World, et al.), we decided to dedicate a Sports On TV column to a show the entire UPROXX network loves — ‘It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia,’ FX’s delightfully cruel comedy that has its own page of recaps and commenter badges on the UPROXX mothership.

The show’s use of Philadelphia is at least as comprehensive as ‘The Wire’s’ use of Baltimore, and all of the important Philly area teams and icons have made an appearance on the show … the Eagles, the Flyers, the Phillies, the Phillie Phanatic. ‘It’s Always Sunny’ also launched the worldwide popularity of GREEN MAN, who you may know as “that a-hole in the morphsuit at any sporting event.” It’s an important thing they’re doing, so we’re here to talk about it.

Things we have to apologize for in advance: crude language, situations meant for mature audiences and getting the “Flipadelphia” song stuck in your head again.

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During this year’s Summer Olympics, NBC’s best play-by-play analyst was Retta, who plays Donna on ‘Parks And Recreation’. Her tweets about chocolate tumblers and the Olympics trying to break a bitch were amazing, and as sports bloggers it’s our duty to shine the spotlight on every legitimately hilarious person who touches sports.

Not only is Retta’s show one of the best on television right now, it’s also one of the most sports friendly. That makes it a perfect fit for Sports On TV, our column dedicated to the best sports moments of shows about something other than sports. This is the first still-on-the-air show we’ve attempted to cover, so if you’re reading this a year from now and are all, “HEY, WHERE’S THE EPISODE WHERE MCKAYLA MARONEY SHOWS UP AND ANDY WINS THE LONG JUMP” or whatever, give us a break, we aren’t time travelers.

With greatest possible love to Retta, Michael Shur, Greg Daniels and the rest of the talented people making my favorite 30 minutes of any given week, here are our 20 favorite sports moments from ‘Parks And Recreation’. I don’t know what this is, but I want you to read all of it.

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Last December, when it was announced that center Chris Kaman had been traded by the Los Angeles Clippers as part of a package that would land them Chris Paul, word around the intertubes was that he was pretty bummed to be leaving the only NBA team that he’d ever played for, and especially since he was traded to one of the league’s worst teams in the New Orleans Hornets. But Kaman has long been one of the NBA’s most under-the-radar fun guys, so he made the best of it.

Now with the Dallas Mavericks, it seems that the gun-loving hunting aficionado is right at home living in Texas, which plays perfectly into his role as a controversial figure, for which he has given very few of what I believe the hip kids call “f*cks”. Kaman recently Tweeted a perfect example of just how much he loves his new home, and also what a delightfully terrifying man-child he is.

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Saturday marked the opening of Wisconsin’s nine-day gun season for deer hunting, and despite serious concern from hunters over last year’s poor numbers, business is a little better this time around. Hunters killed 106,404 deer over the weekend, marking an increase of 6 percent from 2009’s piss poor body count of only 100,330 deer. Get your sh*t together, Wisconsin deer!

But the big winner of Saturday’s opening was 16-year old Corissa Wege, who bagged herself three deer, including 13-, 10- and 8-pointers. According to Wisconsin Outdoor Fun (what, you don’t subscribe?), Wege called the experience “really cool” to which her boyfriend added, “Yes… cool… very cool. I can’t wait to be faithful for the rest of my life. I LOVE YOU, HONEY!”

Hey Wisconsin, only 100,000 deer? That seems pretty weak, ya sissies…

The DNR went into the 2010 hunt under intense pressure from hunters and state lawmakers to deliver a better hunt than last year. Hunters in 2009 killed only 241,862 deer, down about 30 percent from the year before and down 54 percent from 2000.

Hunters complained loudly last winter that the DNR has grossly overestimated the size of the herd for years. (Via Wisconsin Outdoor Fun)

It’s fun to imagine a large group of hunters screaming outside of the Department of Natural Resources office that they don’t have enough animals to kill. Mainly because they should be home preparing breakfast, brunch, lunch, linner, dinner, dinsnack, snack, and second dinner for their Wisconsin wives, lest they suffer the rage. By the way, I’m no hunting expert – I’m also no opponent of killing an animal for sport, I just prefer to kill them with a fork and eat them on the spot – but it just seems like killing hundreds of thousands of deer annually and then complaining that there are fewer the next year is just a little… odd. But don’t shoot the messenger. Especially you, Corissa.

And now for a story from the wild world of outdoors living: a former Marine camping in Wyoming defended his wife and two young children from a mountain lion attack… WITH A CHAINSAW!  Read this passage while I play air guitar:

Dustin Britton, a 32-year-old mechanic and ex-Marine [Ed Note: we prefer the term "former Marine"] from Windsor, Colo., said he was alone cutting firewood about 100 feet from his campsite in the Shoshone National Forest when he saw the lion staring at him from some bushes.

Britton revved his 18-inch chain saw and tried to back away. But the 100-pound lion followed. As the animal pounced, the 6-foot-tall, 170-pound Britton raised his saw and met it head-on – a collision he said felt like a grown man running right into him. “It batted me three or four times with its front paws and as quick as I hit it with that saw it just turned away,” he said.

Britton later discovered he’d inflicted a six- to eight-inch gash on the lion’s shoulder. He said he was surprised the damage wasn’t worse. “You would think if you hit an animal with a chain saw it would dig right in. I might as well have hit it with a hockey stick,” he said.

The starving lion was shot and killed after it killed a dog that was tracking it.  Authorities are making it clear that this is an exceptionally rare instance of a cougar attacking a man in the wild — they’re much more prevalent in night clubs after young men have been drinking — but you should still take your chainsaw with you wherever you go.  Ya know, just in case.

(thanks to Albert for the tip)