Via Facebook:

I spent every day of my 30′s puttin’ in hard work..

So today, I can turn 40 and say with a big ass smile..

I’m just gettin’ started!

As of this posting, that status has about 90,000 “likes”. Today is Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s birthday, and if you haven’t been paying attention … he’s pretty popular.

To help celebrate Rocky’s milestone, we’ve compiled a loosely ordered list of moments, matches and Kung Pao Bitch jokes from his career. Whether you like him or you don’t, it’s hard to deny that he’s one of the most influential and entertaining performers in the history of pro wrestling … and one of two pro wrestlers cool enough to be a G.I. Joe. Three if you count The Fridge.

Happy birthday, Rocky.

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Right now you’re probably saying, “But With Leather, Hulk Hogan lost his dignity YEARS ago!” Yes, I’ve seen Mr. Nanny, but you can always give more.

What you’re watching is a clip from the #ChallengeHulk series, a YouTube channel of promotional videos from Hogan and weight loss product Body By Vi that are a lot like the show ‘Shaq Vs.’, except Hogan just stands in front of a green screen and challenges himself to be as pathetic as possible. In this installment, Hogan listens to Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way” once, puts on some props a lame person would have in a photo booth at a wedding and tells us that we need to respect everyone on the planet because he has the largest arms in the world. Or something.

My theory (as the headline suggests) is that our Ten Jokes To Tell About The Upcoming Hulk Hogan Sex Tape and its sequel made Hogan go “oh no, brother” and feel fear deep in his melting, leathery core, so he’s pulling a Tila Tequila and being as sad as possible every day so seeing him naked and humping will be an afterthought.

Either that, or his message to gay teens is, “it doesn’t get any better”.

[h/t John Canton]

Hulk Hogan, one of the people in the world I’m guessing you’d least like to see naked, is about to release a sex tape. According to the Hulkster it was a set-up, and by the time the video is released we’ll learn that not only did this mystery brunette set him up, she was paid-off to break his legs.

Hulk says the tape was “secretly filmed” without his permission — and now his lawyer’s on the rampage … claiming, “We will take all necessary steps to enforce both civil and criminal liability.”

Because Hulk Hogan has never told the truth once in his entire life, the tape is now in the hands of Vivid Entertainment, the same gentle folks who released ‘Backdoor To Chyna’.

Yesterday I shared with you a list of ten jokes to help you cope with the news, and thanks to the growing community of hilarious wrestling fans who read my Best And Worst Of WWE columns, here are ten more.

1. Burnsy: “Does he cut holes in the back of the condom wrapper to make it easier to tear open?”

2. mrejr8234: “Just when Hulk was gonna give the money shot he stopped and got dressed and told the lady she wasn’t ready to carry the load and finished himself off in the bathroom.”

3. TheRealMSol: “Turns out he has long blond pubes on the side of his dick, but the top is completely bald”

4. Homo_Erectus: “Does taking viagra and yelling “oh god, oh god, oh god” count as saying your prayers and taking your vitamins?”

5. brotz13: “When she kicks him out of bed, does she receive a booty call moments later from Mr. America?”

6. FunkyWarmMedina: “When he cums crashing down, does she hurt insiiiiide?”

7. PixelDrop: “Hope she was using a Bubba the Love Sponge.”

And now, a few jokes with hilarious video explanations.

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According to TMZ and every tabloid with TMZ on Google alert, a “secretly filmed” Hulk Hogan sex tape is being offered up for sale to the various high-end porn jockeys.

We’ve seen a portion of the grainy footage — featuring Hulk getting undressed and a naked, unidentified brunette lying on a bed. The woman is NOT his ex-wife Linda or his current wife Jennifer McDaniel.

To make this slightly less disgusting, I’ve gathered together ten jokes/talking points to share with your friends, should you accidentally drop “Hulk Hogan sex tape” into conversation and need an out.

1. I didn’t know Brooke Hogan was ever a brunette.

2. This is just the sequel to the one where Hogan has sex with Chyna in the middle of a Royal Rumble. Does the gay Iron Sheik show up in this one, too?

3. This is the grossest thing he’s ever done without the Nasty Boys. (Alternate joke: This gives new meaning to the term “Nasty Knobbs”.)

4. Did he bring along Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake along with him to help him f**k this woman?

5. At the end of the tape it looks like he’s about to finish, but he starts shaking and pumping his fists and walking around in a circle … when the lady asks him what’s wrong, he makes an o-face at her, points, yells “YOU!!” and keeps nailing her.

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The best part of Detroit Pistons center Ben Wallace talking to The Score about WWE Wrestlemania XXVIII is the realization that Ben Wallace watches wrestling like my parents: he remembers how much he loved wrestling in the 80s, thinks Stone Cold Steve Austin was cool and guesses the finish for the John Cena versus The Rock main-event will be “nobody” winning and them “fighting to the back somewhere”. All he needs to do now is get legitimately upset when somebody cheats and he’s my Mom.

As the worldwide leader in cramming wrestling coverage down the throats of a mainstream sports comedy blog audience, I guess my next career goals should be to 1) take Arda Ocal’s job, and 2) find every mainstream sports star who likes pro graps and badger them to fantasy book it. I want to know what Travis Hafner would do with the Funkasaurus. You know, besides grounding out to him.

My personal prediction, for the record: Cena rips out The Rock’s heart and shows it to him.

I’ve divided this post into two helpful sections.

For Normal People: Relief pitcher (and possible Super Mario Bros. villain) Tim Byrdak decided to have a little fun at New York Mets spring training camp by putting on some underwear, growing a Fu Manchu mustache and running around flexing his muscles for the Brian Wilsonic enjoyment of all. According to Byrdak-Hogan (Hodak?), he’s got a big wrestling match with Andre the Giant and he’s gonna rip off his “freakin’ face”.

From Big League Stew:

But Byrdak couldn’t claim in good faith that he was just being an instructor because he enjoys having a bit of fun in the clubhouse. He dressed up like a football referee before a game last season and handed out penalties to teammates. He even started re-growing his Hulkster goatee before the season because he thought it’d look cool on photo day.

“I just want to let these younger guys know that it’s OK to have fun and that spring training doesn’t need to be so serious,” he said.

It does look like fun, but here’s to hoping he doesn’t have to field any grounders in those short-pants. You can check out video of the costume (and his excellent promo skills) below:

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