Hugh Jackman, who you may know as Wolverine from the X-Men movies or Leopold from Kate and Leopold (probably X-Men), was the celebrity guest host of WWE Raw this Monday night. Like many guest hosts, he ended up getting physically involved, and landed an amazing looking punch on wrestler Dolph Ziggler. Ziggler stumbled away, got hit with Zack Ryder’s Jumping Dick To The Face finishing move and lost the match. Later, Ziggler posted on Twitter that he suffered a “hairline mandibular fracture” of his jaw from the punch, said he will be wearing a mouth guard while it heals and would not miss any matches.

Now, keeping in mind that everyone over the age of 11 with more than two functioning teeth knows that pro wrestling is an entertainment program that sort of lives or dies by your ability to suspend disbelief while watching, it should not surprise you that TMZ followed up Ziggler’s tweet with this headline:

Hugh Jackman WWE Punch Injury
Totally Fake!

/facepalm

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Before we get started with this week’s edition of the Guest and Worst of Raw, a couple notes to cover:

• To reiterate, the delightful Brandon is on vacation and has passed on the responsibility for this week’s recap to myself. Despite being a lifelong wrestling enthusiast, writer and most importantly, vegan, I’m fairly sure I was given this gig due to my ties to Kaiju Big Battel. Kaiju was a touring Vaudvillian show which combined the story structure and live performances of pro wrestling with the showy elements and characters of a Godzilla/Super Sentai movie. Sorta like Extremely Strange Wrestling if it was “watchable,” or Lucha VaVOOM with fewer whores.
• Although it doesn’t justify it’s own bullet point, my time with Kaiju was both as a writer and performer, most notably as the character of Dr. Cube through the majority of the Oughts. Yes, I’m a bit smaller than you think in person; Yes, I was also SuperWrong; and No, that was Chuck Taylor at that one Chikara show. MOVING ON!
• As always, comments are greatly appreciated as they’re a great metric for understanding what works and what doesn’t. That having been said, I should just be honest upfront and let you know that I’m terrified of criticism and will probably avoid the comments section for the next week like Mayweather avoids Pacquiao.
• (Full disclosure, that last sentence read “…like Julie Taymore avoids Gawker Media” until my girlfriend told be to change it to something “more accessible.” Brandon will be back next week, everybody!)
• I’d like to take a moment here to thank Casey Boyd and Andrew Johnson for their help with screen shots and art. Casey even Photoshop’d an image of Andrew “Test” Martin in a Polar Bear suit that I wish I’d gotten to use, but didn’t make the edit. Also, it should go without saying that I want to thank Brandon for the really great work he’s put into these columns. They’re hilarious, and I hope minimally to do right by this column while he’s away. Thanks for the opportunity, Brandon.
• Lastly, I’d like to apologize for the late post, but I’m West Coastin’ it, and was waiting for that Andrew “Test” Martin in a Polar Bear suit art to get back to me.

On to the show…

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I don’t know much about cricket, except that they use a flat bat and that little Jenga thing where the catcher should be, but I know a prominent Aussie actor getting hit in the nuts when I see it. Yes, this is the probably-not-gay Hugh Jackman, international star of stage and screen, getting his doorbell rung in what looks like a little BP. More like “little pee pee.” Oh man, that’s the funniest thing I’ll write all week.

But seriously, just look at the stage presence. Does Jackman go down in a heap? No. Does he cry for his mommy? No. He gets back in there and takes his cuts. What fantastic human storytelling. What a great lesson in life. Hugh Jackman, we salute you and your manly balls, and may God save the Queen. And by “the Queen,” I mean that interior decorator that you visit at the clubs all the time.