So Easy We’re Making It Bigger: Win $500 Murdering Me At Fantasy Football

Written by Brandon Stroud / 12.16.11

Here’s a picture of Houston Texans quarterback T.J. Yates and tight end Owen Daniels hugging each other in celebration of being drafted to my terrible Draftstreet fantasy football team.

You should be hugging, too, because this week’s contest — a 50-person cash game for $11 that gives you a chance to win money from a $500 dollar cash pool and gives $5 to anyone who places higher than me — proved so popular that they’re adding 50 more players to the mix. So here’s your chance: sign up now for a fun game and some of the easiest cash opportunities you’ve ever had. Seriously, I am bad at this. Last time I drafted Hakeem Olajuwon.

There are two concurrent games of 50 players going on this weekend with me lingering near the bottom of both, so if you missed the first one, sign up quick-like and get into this one. It all goes down THIS WEEKEND, so don’t delay.

CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE LEAGUE!

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Wade Phillips Is Leaving The Texans For A Few Weeks, Then Maybe Forever

Written by Brandon Stroud / 12.14.11
Wade Phillips taking leave of absence from Houston Texans

Injury sense ... tingling!

They’re winning games with a third string quarterback and have overcome at least 14 key injuries every week to advance to the playoffs for the first time in history, but as good as it gets, it gets just as bad. On top of everything else now, Houston Texans defensive coordinator Wade Phillips, the guy who turned the team around and taught them to work together and be a functioning professional football team, is leaving for a few weeks to take care of … uh, something.

From The Pigskin Report:

According to Fox26 reporter Mark Berman on Twitter, “Texans defensive coordinator Wade Phillips will take a medical leave of absence for a couple of weeks”.

There has been no explanation of what the reason behind the leave of absence is, but this comes as a completely unexpected move. It is being reported now that LB coach Reggie Herring will assume duties of calling the defensive coordinator during Phiilips’ absence.

Adam Schefter of ESPN is reporting that that the Texans expect Phillips to return later this season, but notes that after his performance this season there’s a chance he’ll accept a head coaching position somewhere in 2012.

The remainder of Houston’s regular season is games against Carolina, the woeful 0-13 Indianapolis Colts and the Tennessee Titans. That’s not the hardest schedule in the world and Houston has already clenched the AFC South, so I guess we shouldn’t worry too much. Or we should worry about how hard they clenched it, and how many weeks that’ll put the entire team out of action.

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Wild Card Wednesday: Hooters Loves Matt Leinart, Celebs Love UFC, And Zhou Lulu!

Written by Ashley Burns / 11.16.11

Welcome to another installment of Wild Card Wednesday, as I try to cram together all of the awesome, random things that we’ve been missing out on in favor of the big stories and half-naked Marisa Miller…

At some point on Sunday, Houston Texans quarterback Matt Schaub hurt his foot and now it looks like his season is over. I’m sure that the Texans won’t completely give up on Schaub until a doctor does something cool and drastic like slam his glasses down and yell, “Damn it, I’m not God!” In the meantime, the second coming of Matt Leinart is upon us, and somewhere there’s a Jacuzzi not being boned in.

Last night, Houston tight end James Casey Tweeted the above image of a local Hooters showing support for the new QB. Unfortunately, after calling the Hooters, I learned that they ran out of space and it should have read: “Hey Leinart, we believe you gave us all gonorrhea.” OK, I may have made that up. But would you bet against it?

I’ve got my fingers crossed for you, Texans fans. God knows this would be my response to losing Schaub…

Read the rest of this entry »

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Congratulations To The Indianapolis Colts!

Written by Ashley Burns / 11.15.11

Well, the time comes when the lights need to be turned on and the party must end. We had a good run of 10 weeks, as we watched the league’s worst teams flop around like wounded ducks as a few of them tried to convince us they weren’t losing on purpose for the 2012 NFL Draft’s top prize – Stanford QB Andrew Luck. Unfortunately, our party is pretty much over and we can stick a fork in this Suck for Luck campaign. Barring a miracle – and by that I mean the sudden desire to win – the Indianapolis Colts will have the first pick in the next draft.

And that’s fine, because that’s what their fans and ownership openly pined for to very little criticism. Apparently the Colts are allowed to lose on purpose, so let’s all tip our caps to the eventual team that will make Luck the No. 1 pick. In the meantime, we’ll take one last rundown of the power(less) rankings – and don’t worry, we’ll still review each game in our own fun way in the coming weeks – while I try to decide if I want the Miami Dolphins Whiffin’ for Robert Griffin III or Playing Lames for LaMichael James. Maybe Losing Whack, Son for Justin Blackmon?

Decisions, decisions.

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Scary Football Spongebob Sez: ‘Play Free Fantasy Football And Win $250 Or Else’

Written by Brandon Stroud / 10.13.11

fantasy-football-spongebob

Unless you want this Godless thing tearing through your cheerleader dreams to haunt your nightmares you’ll sign up for our free fantasy football game through Draftstreet.com. I don’t really know what one thing has to do with the other, but I’m no theologian, and I’m going to threaten you with it anyway.

If free money for doing almost nothing isn’t enough (it is seriously free money, why aren’t you doing this) I’m playing, and I challenge you — yes, challenge you — to defeat me. My newfound Texans fan powers will lead my running back, Arian Foster, to 400 carries for over 8,000 yards this week. Hopefully that’ll make up for my quarterback, because I used all my money on Foster and ended up drafting Jake Plummer. Whoops!

Our Explanation Blurb™, in case you haven’t read it:

The game happens this weekend, and it’s going to work a lot like our baseball games; you’ll sign up (for free, again, I’m not going to make you pay for anything) and pick your team, choosing two QBs, two WR, two RB and so on until you’ve exhausted your salary cap, and the team with the best performance in this Sunday’s games wins money. So do the next five top teams. That’s right, we’re paying out to the top 6 teams from a $250 cash pool.

It’s easy as hell, and I drafted my team in about 40 seconds before posting this. Uh, maybe that’s why I never win. But I still could win, and that’s awesome. The game happens on 10/16 and includes the Monday game, so go ahead and do this immediately. And remember, participation gets you

1. Free money
2. No Spongebob nightmares
3. The ability to laugh at me thinking Jake Plummer still plays football
4. Fame and fortune (on the Internet)

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Mario Is Missing (The Rest Of The Season)

Written by Brandon Stroud / 10.10.11

Mario Williams torn pectoral will cause him to miss the rest of the season

Yeah, that’s more or less my reaction, too.

New York City policeman turned NFL reporter for the Houston Chronicle John McClain reports that the injury that caused Houston Texans linebacker Mario Williams to leave Sunday’s game against the Oakland Raiders is a torn pectoral muscle that will require surgery and keep him out of action for the remainder of the 2011 season. The torn muscle happened while Williams was sacking Oakland QB Jason Campbell, and almost every report says Williams walked to the locker room under his own power like the pectoral muscle is in his leg.

The Texans are suffering an almost San Francisco Giants-like string of injuries to star players like Andre Johnson and Arian Foster this season, one Sports Illustrated attempts to put into context:

Big picture, the significant injury to Williams could change the landscape of an already-reeling AFC South. The Colts (0-5) and the Jaguars (1-4) have fallen off the pace to start the season, with Houston and Tennessee tied at 3-2. However, with Peyton Manning on the shelf, this looked like by far the Texans’ best opportunity to claim a division title and their first-ever playoff berth.

That’s a depressing blurb, isn’t it? “This looked like …” The silver lining here, depending on how you look at it, is that the Texans drafted University of Arizona Wildcat Brooks Reed and get to remove his training wheels and ride him around the NFL. McClaine chimes in, via Twitter:

Like Mario, Reed is learning a new position: 3-4 OLB who drops down in passing situations. Texans look smart drafting Reed.

Hopefully next Monday’s day of posting won’t include a big “BROOKS REED INJURED BY RAVENS, OUT FOREVER WITH SEVERED LOWER BODY”.

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