Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, which means it’ll be a light day at With Leather. Burnsy will be enjoying a turkey dinner with all the trimmings, and I’ll be driving an hour south to San Antonio to eat mashed potatoes, green bean casserole and something called “glazed wham”. We’re very different people, but we love you the same.

If you’re like a lot of Americans, Thanksgiving means football. At UPROXX, Kissing Suzy Kolber means football, so here’s my best contribution to the vibe: a clip of Jimmy Junior, Wild Turkey Bourbon spoketurkey, choosing Thursday’s NFL match-ups. He picks the Houston/Detroit, Dallas/Washington and New England/New York games by eating feed out of a particular helmet, and hey, it’s not rocket science, but it’s as statistically valid as anything you’re gonna read at Bleacher Report.

Check out Jimmy’s picks below. “That turkey belongs on my plate” jokes not appreciated. Well, by half of us.

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I don’t ask for much in this life, other than an ageless super model girlfriend who poops million dollar bills, but if Houston Texans RB Arian Foster could grab me about 160 yards and 4 touchdowns against the Jets’ horrible run defense tonight, that would be groovy like a disco movie.

Monday Night Football: Houston Texans at New York Jets – 8:30 PM ET on ESPN

Tonight marks the 666th edition of Monday Night Football, and of course it involves the New York Jets and Tim Tebow. I’m almost excited to hear how many horrible jokes Chris Berman makes about it in the hours leading up to kickoff. The over under is 12 bad jokes… wait, 12? Like the number of apostles? The end is here! I cast a biblical plague upon your houses!

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If you click that photo, it sends you to that cheerleader’s Brazzers video. Just kidding, it doesn’t, but I hope you clicked it already.

Following my stellar 44th-place finish in our FanDuel Fantasy Football game on week 2, I’ll be signing up and finishing even better (read: way worse) in week 5. I know, I know, “44th-place” doesn’t sound like much of an accomplishment, but me finishing 44th in a fantasy football game and winning money is the equivalent of a normal person winning an Olympic gold medal.

Week 4′s game has 555 available slots, and each player is allowed to draft up to three teams for $2 a pop. That gives you up to three chances to win $1000 in prizes. Not bad. Here’s how it works:

The game starts with Sunday’s kickoff, so be sure to sign up as soon as possible and draft your squad. Get in early to guarantee your spot in the game, then obsessively rearrange your roster until Sunday afternoon. That’s what I’ll be doing, at least.

SIGN UP HERE IF YOU MISSED THOSE OTHER LINKS

I really wish they let you draft a cheerleading squad.

Houston cornerback Johnathan Joseph spent five years in Cincinnati before joining the Texans, and he’s willing to explain the differences between the organizations in detail. Here’s the short version: The Bengals are assholes about Gatorade.

“In Cincy, the team lives off money it earns from football. Houston’s owner has other business interests and he controls the money. Numerous things that go on such as the way Houston interacts with my family; we’re treated in a first-class way. They helped us when my wife lost our baby daughter in a miscarriage.

“But they help with anything you ask of them because they are a very caring organization with positive attitudes about its players. In Cincy, we’re told how much Gatorade we could take home. In Houston we get what we request. You get soap and deodorant at your request. You don’t have a roommate on road trips.” (via HeraldOnline.com)

I like how quickly it goes from “Houston helped us when my wife had a miscarriage” to “Cincinnati won’t let me take home all the Gatorade I want”. I also like that no matter how rich and famous you get, you’re still that guy working at the mall Chick-Fil-A who wants to take home the extra chicken sandwiches and gets pissed when your bitch manager won’t let you.

You’ve got $23.5 million of guaranteed money in Houston, right? Can’t you buy your own soap? I have a blogger’s salary and can keep my fridge stocked with Gatorade. It’s like $4.99 for an 8-pack. I know it’s a Moneyball vending machine situation where it’s less about having to pay a dollar for a Pepsi and more about being disrespected by an organization that barely cares about you, but c’mon, just hold out a Dixie cup the next time somebody gets a Gatorade bath.

[via Larry Brown Sports]

"Give me THIS much money."

Mario Williams, the first overall selection by the Houston Texans in the 2006 NFL Draft, and one of the more prominent free agents this offseason, has agreed to a contract with the Buffalo Bills. The deal is the largest ever for a defensive player, and my sources in Buffalo have confirmed to me that “now he totally has money leaking out his butt and stuff.” From ESPN:

Mario Williams on Thursday agreed to a six-year deal with the Buffalo Bills that’s potentially worth $100 million and includes $50 million guaranteed, a league source told ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter.

It’s the richest deal for a defensive player in NFL history.

The Bills have called a 1:30 p.m. ET news conference to introduce the newest member of their defense, who joins a fearsome defensive line that also includes 2011 first-round pick Marcell Dareus and Pro Bowler Kyle Williams.

How much extra do you think Buffalo had to pay him to play there as opposed to, say, Miami? Probably a lot. Nothing personal against the citizens of western New York (luv ur wings, bros), but, I mean, if I were a 27-year-old millionaire, I would take way, WAY less to play somewhere a little more aesthetically pleasing. Maybe he felt he couldn’t turn down the extra cash, or maybe he thinks this provides him the best chance to win a championship over the next few years, but I assure you, if I were Mario Williams, I would have sent my agent a list of questions including: 1) Can I go to Miami? 2) Does Hawaii have a team? 3) If not, can we start a team there? 4) Not Buffalo. 5) I want to buy a helicopter.

I would be a terrible free agent.

If I’m a sucker for just one thing in this world, it’s videos of American soldiers returning home to surprise their families. Combine them with sporting events and you’re just making me one giant sandwich of “Good God, I’m gonna lose it.” Sadly, we know that some families will never see their heroes again, which really brings out the waterworks when those families are honored at sporting events. That’s why I’m giving the Houston Texans and the Bay Area Builders Association Support Our Troops program “Operation Finally Home” the biggest thumbs up in the history of the world.

During the Texans’ loss to the Carolina Panthers on Sunday, Sara Wood and her son, Landon, were treated to some special gifts by the team because her husband, Staff Sgt. Scott Wood, died from combat-related injuries on Nov. 20, and he was a huge Texans fan. So much so that he was even buried with his Andre Johnson jersey under his Marine uniform. And then the extra special surprise:

“They pulled us out a few minutes before half time because they said they have a gift basket and some gifts for Landon,” Wood said.

That was all true. But in addition, they got a brand new house that day.

(Via Your Houston News)

That’s right, BABASOT is building a house for Wood and her son, completely free of mortgage. You know that scene in Ocean’s 13 when Rusty walks into Danny’s room and he’s watching Oprah, and they both start crying because Oprah gives a brand new house to a homeless family? That was me this morning, just a little more handsome.