New plan: Instead of making Rick Ankiel choose between pitcher and outfielder, we let him do both at the same time.

I’m a little sad that I wrote the The Dugout Opening Days ’12 strip about the Washington Nationals on Monday afternoon, because if I’d written it on Monday night it would’ve been about Rick Ankiel’s monster strike from center that kept the fastest Houston Astro (Jordan Schafer) from scoring from third on a sac fly. It’s a bit of a disservice to type anything but “holy sh*t” about that throw.

From The Washington Post:

“It came out clean,” Ankiel said. “And it was right on the money.”

Wilson Ramos, standing on home, did not have to move his glove. The throw hit him the chest. The crowd stood and roared.

“I would have called it a strike, that’s for sure,” said Stephen Strasburg, who had run behind the plate to back up the play.

At third base, Ryan Zimmerman and Schafer laughed about what they had just seen. “Everyone knows that it’s kind of predetermined not to test Rick out,” Zimmerman said. “It’s nice to have him on our team.”

Buy him a moped and let him cover the entire outfield by himself. It’d at least be better than when you guys had Nyjer Morgan in center.

The sale of the Houston Astros to Houston businessman Jim Crane from technological monster Drayon McLane is official, and after the 2012 baseball season wraps up the 50-year strong National League squad will pack their their things, wait a moment, then unpack them in the same spot as an American League West stalwart. Finally, Texas can get rid of National League baseball and focus on what we love: hitting as many home runs as possible, then losing out of nowhere for no reason.

From an AP Source:

Crane reportedly agreed to the move in exchange for a drop in the sales price valued earlier this year at $680 million. The person who spoke to the AP could not confirm the sales price.

“We’ll let baseball talk about that,” current owner Drayton McLane said Wednesday night. “There were a lot of adjustments, so we’ll just wait and see what they have to say (Thursday).”

The players’ association believes two 15-team leagues would create a more proportionate schedule and has urged baseball to make the switch. With schedules for next season already completed, the earliest such a move could take place is 2013.

And here we are on Thursday, googling “Houston Astros” for the first (and possibly only) time in the calendar year.

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The key words here are “and other devices”.

Houston Astros’ outfielder Jordan Schafer has been arrested in Florida and charged with felony possession of marijuana.

According to an arrest report from the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s office, Schafer was arrested early Tuesday morning in Tampa after a traffic stop and was released on a $2,000 cash bond. It wasn’t clear if he had an attorney.

A police report says that black Land Rover driven by Schafer with its windows open pulled up next to a police car. Police say officers noticed a strong marijuana smell and saw Schafer smoking a marijuana cigarette.

Baseball players are doing drugs! Here at The Dugout we try to approach each breaking news bit about pro athlete substance abuse with dignity and respect, especially if we’ve never heard of the player, and pending that player not being Manny Ramirez or someone whose wife-beating bullsh*t makes us too sad for jokes. I don’t even think Jordan Schafer’s parents know who Houston Astros outfielder Jordan Schafer is, so here’s a rundown of exactly what happened when he was arrested. And yes, the part about him having weed peanut butter cups is real.

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Today (June 21) is the first official day of summer, and the Texas Rangers are commemorating that in the most reasonable way possible: by handing out 30,000 sunglasses to fans at today’s Rangers vs. Astros game in an attempt to set a new world’s record for “Most People Wearing Sunglasses … in the Dark.”

I didn’t add those ellipses, they were in the press release. I love that the PR department wanted to leave you hanging, like you’d read “most people wearing sunglasses” and pause, thinking to yourself, “but the record for most people wearing sunglasses is much larger than that!” because you know a lot about world records, but then you follow the dots and it says “IN THE DARK” and you go “Oooooh wow, okay!”

More important technical information from the press release:

“Rangers’ fans will be asked to don their sunglasses beginning at the end of the sixth inning and wear them for 10 minutes to become part of history and set the world record. … An adjudicator from Guinness World Records will be on site to officially confirm the record.”

I’m guessing this is in response to May’s similar world record setting when the Los Angeles Angles set the mark for “most moonlighting Dodgers fans in wrestling masks“. By making the fans wear sunglasses for ten minutes, Texas will also be setting the records for “most Rangers fans who can’t see as well as they could a minute ago” and “most people interested in something the Astros are doing”.

In a related story, singer Corey Hart has been calling the Rangers all day, but they aren’t answering.

Maybe “happy” isn’t the right word. Reverent, yet personally productive and fun Memorial Day everybody! Me and Burnsy are taking the day to relax by the pool and eat of pizza, so I thought you might enjoy a little taste test of the things we’ve put up in my first month as editor. If you’re bored and on the Internet for some reason today, go back and check some of these out. You might’ve missed them the first time around, and if not, the Internet doesn’t exist on a linear timeline you jerk, and you can read something more than once.

Sorry for calling you a jerk. Here are some links that exemplify America~.

The Dugout: Elijah Dukes Can’t Handle Life’s Basic Tasks [The Dugout]

Best Of The 2011 Pole Dancing Championship [With Leather]

The Best and Worst of WWE Raw 5/2: Happy Dead Osama Bin Laden Day [With Leather]

The NFL’s Bravest Faces Part Two (don’t be fooled by the title, it is pictures of cheerleaders) [With Leather]

The Dugout: The Houston Astros’ Keys to Success by Jon Bois [The Dugout]

Your Weekly Dose Of Racing Awwwww [With Leather]

The WWE Legacy of Mr. Socko [With Leather]

The 2011 World Beard Championships [With Leather]

The Dugout: AL Central Folklore, aka the one where Jim Thome dresses like Paul Bunyan [The Dugout]

The 2011 Beautiful Bulldog Contest [With Leather]

I was talking with Nick the other night, and we determined that the most forgotten team in baseball is either the Toronto Blue Jays or the Houston Astros. Sometimes they’re moderately good or bad, but never enough for anyone to take notice. At least the Pirates and Royals can hang their hats on being perennially awful. At least the Brewers have Prince Fielder. At least the Blue Jays… are in a different country, which is sort of interesting. So Houston it is. Did you know that their coach is named Brad Mills? Liar.

I thought it would be nice, then, to shift the Dugout’s focus to Houston. This Dugout contains every single thing I know about the 2011 Astros. Find name-brand quality at store-brand prices after the jump.

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