Links

The 2011-2012 Indianapolis Colts Survival Guide In Three Steps - Step 4: Completely stop playing until Peyton Manning comes back. Step 5: Black uniforms. [Smoking Section]

GSP Sucks At Track - This is like a Powerade commercial done in reverse, and reminds me a little of that episode of “Full House” where the guys have a footrace and Danny takes Joey into the octagon and beats the dogsh*t out of him. [Cage Potato]

Wild Card, Kitten Mittens, Green Man, Milk Steak, And F*ck Yeah Tumblrs: An Interview With Charlie Day - Whoever got us a Charlie Day interview, please, get me an interview with the guy who plays Cricket so I can ask him at least 50 questions about being The Hutch on “The Joe Schmo Show”. [UPROXX]

Texts From Pawnee, Where ‘Parks And Recreation’ Hilariously Meets Texts From Last Night - This show cannot return soon enough, although we’re entering the “when The Office started getting bad” season, so I’m remaining cautious. [UPROXX]

The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 9/13 - Wrestling happened, and I’m going on vacation starting tomorrow afternoon, so read this ASAP. [With Leather]

Dwarf Who Played Gordon Ramsay in Porn Eaten By Badgers - Maybe the best headline of all time. Now if only someone could fill a failing restaurant with beavers and have them kill Robert Irvine. [Film Drunk]

Baby Cthulhu Is Adorable, Evil Incarnate - Man, Cthulhu is in everything now. When I was little, the only way I could get Cthulhu is by reading weird older people comic books. [Gamma Squad]

Here Is a Horse Pooping on Children’s TV - This wouldn’t be a big deal if the young people of today’s world weren’t all Rod and Todd Flanders. [Warming Glow]

Playboy October 2011 Issue Will Sell For 60 Cents! - If they want to be like Playboy from the 60s, maybe they can turn down the airbrushing a little. I can draw boobs on a napkin and have them look more realistic than what usually shows up in Playboy. [Buzzfeed]

Danny Glover one-ups the people who wear Crocs in public - He’s getting too old for this shirt. [FARK]

17 Things You Might Not Have Known About ‘The Lion King’ - I hate the Lion King so much. It was the first time in my life when I noticed something was a hacky rip-off, but nobody cared and told me things like “you think too much”! They should re-release The Lion King in 1D. [Moviefone]

Predicting How Many Episodes the Network TV’s New Fall Shows Will Last - USA shows passing off glancing white people as characters, 4-10 seasons. Everything else is already canceled. Stay tuned for season 14 of “In Plain Sight!” [Pajiba]

Seriously, there’s nothing funny about what happens to this animal. It’s sad, really. But…damn, that horsey gets some mean air. It’s a fine follow-up to our Car v. Horse showdownfrom two weeks ago, and it was nice to see Car finally pull even. I can see why the Mexicans lost at the Alamo now. That was the Mexicans, right?via.

If I was driving down the street in a Japanese automobile and I was challenged by this stupid family of horses, I’m doing one of two things: jamming on the gas or stopping, because if you make a half-assed charge at a horse, nothing good can come of it:

The two smaller horses swerved to avoid the vehicle, but the third — a coloured larger horse bringing up the rear — made the last minute decision to jump over it.via, via.

Oh, so a white horse would never do a such a thing? Is that what I just heard? Sure, white horses can get away with anything. Did I mention this happened in Israel? I just turned to the BLACK JEW HORSE section in my notebook and it’s totally blank. You’d think there’d be like, I dunno, nine or ten of those for a rainy day. Whatever.

British equestrienne Zara Phillips — granddaughter of the Queen of England — gained our attention earlier this week, and yesterday, just hours after I declared her an Attractive Olympian over at FanHaus, she got bumped from the Olympic team.  This will be the second consecutive Olympics for which her bitch-ass horse Toytown has gotten injured and forced her to withdraw.

Zara, 27, the current world champion three day eventer, was hotly tipped to win a gold medal, but as she and Toytown were jointly selected for Great Britain's eventing team, the injury to the horse means that his rider must also be withdrawn from Beijing 2008…

[She] could well remain at the top level of her sport, and have a chance to represent Great Britain at the London Olympics in 2012. That distant hope will be no consolation at the moment however, and she is likely to require comforting from her boyfriend, England rugby international Mike Tindall, 29, at her home in Minchinhampton, Gloucestershire.

Oh, this is simply terrible.  A true royal tragedy.  How will this fabulously wealthy blonde princess who's 12th in line for the British crown ever recover from the heartbreak of not being able to compete at the Olympic Games in a sport restricted solely to the upper class of society?  Will the muscular arms of her international rugby star boyfriend be enough to console her?

What's so touching about this story is that it could have happened to any of us.

Zara Phillips, who is a granddaughter of pointless figurehead British monarch Queen Elizabeth II as well an expert wearer of hats, has been selected to join England's equestrian team at the Summer Olympics in Beijing. She's also 12th in line for the throne, but first in line to captain the Olympic motorboating team.

And Zara didn’t get the job just because of her royal lineage. She did win a gold medal at last year’s World Equestrian Games. And she comes from good breeding stock – dad Mark Phillips won gold at the 1972 Munich Olympics, while mom Princess Anne won the 1971 European title and competed in the 1976 Montreal Games.

So… she's actually qualified? That's no fun and, worse still, wholly unrepresentative of what rich-people sports like equestrianism stand for. It's supposed to be all about nepotism and privilege, stupid. I don't even know what they judge in equestrian events. I just assumed two people sit on horses and whomever of the two is worth more money wins.