The big horse racing event of the weekend was clearly the 28th Breeders Cup Turf at Churchill Downs and its $26 million purse on Saturday, as 18-year old Joseph O’Brien, riding St. Nicholas Abbey, became the youngest jockey to win the event. And while that’s all fine and dandy if you’re a fan of Irish horses, the real horse racing fun began last Thursday in Australia with the Crown Oaks race during Oaks Day. I mean, as if I even had to tell you that.

The race was a “star”-studded affair with celebrities like Elizabeth Hurley, Joan Collins, some girl named Ruby Rose, former Miss Universe Jennifer Hawkins, and a slew of other people I’ve never heard of showing up to watch horses run in a circle. But the brightest star of the bunch was Sarah Jessica Parker, who was in the country/continent to promote her new, incredibly aptly-titled film, I Don’t Know How She Does It. Parker looked fantastic as she waved to the crowd and posed for pictures with the winning jockey, Danny Nikolic. However, there was a brief scare when she tripped on the track and medical personnel attempted to put her down.

(Images via Getty.)

If you weren’t taking inventory of your beef jerky and pornography for the rapture on Saturday, there’s a good chance that you tuned into the 136th annual Preakness Stakes to see Shackleford out-horse the rest of this year’s equine contenders. Shackleford notably surrendered the lead to Animal Kingdom at the Kentucky Derby earlier this year, and it appeared to be déjà vu all over again as Kingdom made a late run at the Preakness title. But Shackleford held Kingdom off to eliminate any hopes of a Triple Crown win this year, so now we can talk about what really matters – girls in bikinis.

Everyone knows that the real Preakness highlights take place at the infield party, and this year’s party was off the chain, hook and any other slang terms that the kids use these days. Not only could you check out the ladies of the 2011 Jagermeister International Bikini Contest, but you could also stalk hang out with infield hostess and former WWE star Stacy Keibler, as well as enjoy music by Bruno Mars and Train. Did I say enjoy? Sorry, that was careless of me.

There were also plenty of sort-of-celebrities in attendance, and the Baltimore Sun’s extensive Preakness coverage captured all of the action, including the bikinis and celebs.

Am I racist if I think that all horses look alike?

(Via)

Baltimore recognizes the Preakness with class.

(Via)

Speaking of class…

Last year’s Jager bikini champ, in case you’d already forgotten.

This is the best picture of Stacy from the Preakness. Pretty sure that’s criminal.

He must have allergies.

Of course Stacy Keibler’s face is covered.

If God opened the heavens today and told me that I could forever banish one band to Hell, it would take me 2 seconds to say Train. So consider yourselves lucky, Nickelback.

Sorry, just driving home my point.

Maybe one of the most underrated actors of the last decade. Viva Sports Night.

Billy Ripken should totally own a horse named “F*ck Face”.

Seemingly harmless, Bruno Mars somehow pisses off every guy I know.

Boomer’s 18-year old daughter Sydney likes to search her father’s name on Facebook, a fun fact I found out when she sent me a Facebook message during the 2010 NFL season calling me ugly. I had updated my status to say that Boomer is an idiot, because he said there was no way the Minnesota Vikings were going to lose to the Miami Dolphins (they did) and he also said that UCF quarterback Rob Calabrese could be a great college QB a few days before he lost his job to a freshman. I thought it was cute that daddy’s lil girl was sticking up for Boomer, but I’m actually quite handsome. The proper insult would have been calling me fat. I award no points.

“Hey, it’s the guy from Buckcherry,” shouted nobody.

And some general fan partying fun.

Wait for it…

Waaaait for it…

Waaaaaaaaait for it…

DERP.

Pretty sure their horse didn’t come in.

By now you’re probably familiar with the Ocean Park, New Jersey horse race clip that made the rounds last year, featuring two horses with the disagreeing names Mywifenoseverything and Thewifedoesntknow. But now an older race video is also getting some attention because of a horse with a much simpler and equally great name – Arrrrr.

This 2008 race at the Saratoga Race Course has already been a big hit with horse racing fans, and the announcer Tom Durkin is a bit of a legend, but since I prefer my animal competitions to feature angry, starving turtles, I’ve clearly never seen this video before. Arrrrr (a local legend according to Wikipedia) runs in the back for most of the race, but the horse gets fired up and so does Durkin, leading to what sounds like a cross between an excited pirate and a stroke victim.

Video after the jump…

(Via Fark)

Bonus points for the owner of the horse Five Demon Bag, because I’m hoping that, although incorrect, it’s a Big Trouble In Little China reference. Every sport should have more of Egg Shen’s wisdom:

Tony Stewart: “Guys, my car is leaking something all over… That is not water!”
Crew Chief Darian Grubb: “Black blood of the Earth.”
Tony Stewart: “Do you mean oil?”
Crew Chief Darian Grubb: “I mean black blood of the Earth!”

Miguel Cabrera: “What’s in the flask, Egg? Magic potion?”
Bartender: “Yeah.”
Miguel Cabrera: “Thought so, good. What do we do, drink it?”
Bartender: “Yeah!”
Miguel Cabrera: “Good! Thought so.”

We are all faced with once-in-a-lifetime opportunities and it is how we deal with those shots that defines us as men. And occasionally women, I guess, if they discover an awesome recipe or a new way to type shorthand. That opportunity arrived for horse racing announcer Larry Collmus this past Sunday and he took the bull by the horns, but in this case the bull is a horse and the horns are ironic names.

Collmus called the seventh race at Monmouth Park in Oceanpark, New Jersey, and the race came down to the wire between two horses – Mywifenoseverything and Thewifedoesntknow. Ultimately, Mywifenoseverything won despite terrible grammar, but the real winner was Collmus, and his prize is newfound Internet glory. The loser was Tiger Woods, because millions of people are going to post this video on Facebook along with comments like, “I didn’t know Tiger Woods owned horses” and their co-workers will LOL all day long.

Tell us, was the mood tense for Collmus, Metro UK:

Collmus kept up the call as the two dueled down the stretch, repeatedly holldering ‘My wife knows everything! The wife doesn’t know!’ as the pair approached the finish.

He says that his only thought was: ‘Don’t mess it up.’

At the finish he exclaimed: ‘Mywifenosevrything more than Thewifedoesntknow…’ before adding in relief: ‘Whew!’

What a relief, indeed! Imagine if he had screwed that up. People at Monmouth Park would have gone from not giving a crap to really not giving a crap in a New York minute. For the gamblers at home, coming in third was Domesticviolencecharges followed by Lifesentenceforspousalmurder, Killedinaprisonriot and finishing in last was Admiral Thunder Duck.

After the organizers of the Preakness banned infield patrons from bringing their own beer, attendance dropped by 31 percent. Who would have seen that coming? This year, the masterminds behind the second leg of horse racing’s Triple Crown are making amends. Sort of.

This year, infield admission has dropped by $10, to $40. And revelers can drink unlimited beer if they buy a 16-ounce mug for $20.

Organizers have also booked younger-skewing musical acts O.A.R. and the Zac Brown Band. –WaPo.

The mugs, and a new ad campaign, have revitalized ticket sales, but they’re still short of 2008′s attendance. And now they control the flow of alcohol as well, which is good for them. Plus, mugs don’t throw quite as well as cans of beer. But it’s safe to say that the fame Port-O-Potti runs are all but over. It’s too bad, because I was dying to lay down a Fat Guy Falls-Skinny Guy Gets Nailed In The Face-Dude In Flip Flops Falls Off trifecta.

The Kentucky Derby was on Saturday, despite inclement weather for most of the day. The Derby doesn’t seem like much of a sporting event as opposed to an excuse for women to dress ridiculously for something that only lasts two minutes. Ladies, if that’s what you’re looking for, I could last at least two and a half.

Anyway, Super Saver, one of four horses entered by Todd Pletcher, is your winner. It’s the third Derby in four years that the winning horse was mounted by noted jockey Calvin Borel. Don’t expect Borel to get any endorsements, though. The freaking horse did all the work.

Borel gave Super Saver a magnificent ride, guiding him along the rail for over a mile, saving ground all the way, before edging out slightly at the top of the stretch to take the lead. With 20 horses, the Derby can often be a bumpy affair, especially in the first turn. But Super Saver seemed to be running in a race of his own, clear of his competitors by several lengths either way. –Mark Beech/SI.com.

And then there was Glen Fullerton, who won a contest that gave him $100,000 to bet on any horse in the field. And obviously, nobody would give a damn about this story if Fullerton hadn’t picked Super Saver, at 9-1 odds. Nice work, Glen.

I think the secret to being a great jockey is just whipping the sh*t out of the horse. Just an observation.

“I personally think she’s proven what [owner Jess Jackson] set out to prove with her immediately, which doesn’t eliminate anything,” [trainer Steve] Asmussen said. “But I think it does take a tad of the urgency off it.”

“We’ll wait for three or four days, see how she comes out of the race,” Jackson said. “Then we’ll give her the same scrutiny we did with the vets, and of course working her out, and get the opinion of everybody that’s involved.”

Since the horse was female, she was only paid 2/3 of the purse that they would have awarded a stallion. But at least the sexual advances in the starting gate were kept to a minimum. So much for progres…

She’s not only the 8-5 Preakness morning-line favorite, she’s also instant adrenaline for horse racing, the next great thing to turn the heads of casual fans.

Unless …

Unless the tragic memories are stirred again about Eight Belles and Ruffian, who both suffered fatal injuries while running against colts.

Women. Can’t live with ‘em. Can’t hop on their backs and ride them for nine-and-a-half furlongs. Oh, yeah, I guess that’s an image of Sarah Jessica Parker there and not a horse. That’s an honest mistake on my part and I’ll fix it right away. Shortly. Maybe.

One of the great traditions in horse racing is coming to an end. Pimlico Race Course will no longer allow “race fans” to bring their own booze into the infield. From the New York Times (via 100 Percent Injury Rate):

“I’ve seen people get drilled by people randomly heaving cans of beer,” said Matt Schultz, 29, who lives in Baltimore and has been on the Pimlico infield for the Preakness the past four years. “I saw one girl literally get knocked to the ground by one.”

Organizers of the Preakness Stakes, the second event in horse racing’s Triple Crown, want a tamer experience on Saturday for the 134th running of the race. Fans can no longer bring their own beverages to the infield. Sixteen-ounce beers will be sold for $3.50, and they will come in plastic cups instead of unopened cans.

I get the safety issue, and $3.50 for a pint of beer isn’t a terrible price, but it’ll still be enough to price people out of spending an entire day there (and one would wonder what the point would be otherwise). But the people running these events need to realize how fun alcohol abuse can be. It’s as warming to the heart as a child’s laughter, provided that child is 27 years old with a 0.25 blood alcohol level.

Also resting in peace (hopefully): Wayman Tisdale. Sad. I guess.

Queensland Racing Limited’s integrity counsel officer Allison Finlay, formerly with the Australian Crime Commission, told Halliday that Evans had conspired with jockey Donna Carrigg to deceive stewards by supplying an instrument containing his urine to be used as a substitution for hers.

That inquiry heard Carrigg was found by stewards to have in the arm of her riding jacket a tied condom filled with urine and containing a sharpened lollypop stick.

A lollipop stick? Just how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tinkle Pop? Sorry, I’m just so grossed out by this whole thing. The only appropriate place to pass that sort of thing is in a toilet or onto the face of a sexual partner receiving cash. Service with a stream, I like to call it.

|Morning Bulletin (G’Day, Mate!)|