If there’s one thing that I have little tolerance for, it’s crime. But the easiest way to push me into full on vigilante mode is to commit a criminal act against a “breastaurant”, and that’s exactly what two bros did in the wee hours of Tuesday morning last week in San Diego. Fortunately, the Hooters on Bernardo Drive in San Diego was closed and empty when two men “in their late teens or 20s” shattered the glass of the store’s front door and attempted to pull off one of the stupidest robberies you’ll ever hear of.
The driver tried to back the truck into the business, but the door opening was too narrow, Brown said. The other suspect then got a tow strap from the truck’s bed and wrapped it around the free-standing five-foot-tall juke box with the restaurant’s logo in the restaurant’s lobby, Brown said.
That suspect pushed the machine toward the doors and the driver helped get it into the truck before they drove off, Brown said. (Via ABC 10 News)
Wait, they stole the jukebox from a Hooters? Don’t they know they could have saved a lot of time and effort by just illegally downloading every Nickelback album? Actually, it turns out they’re just complete idiots.
As we learned during Saturday’s UFC on FX 7 live discussion, Dana White’s empire has once again teamed with the restaurant franchise Hooters to make it the official watch party location for the new season of The Ultimate Fighter, which debuts tonight at 8 PM on FX. So if you’re excited about Team Sonnen vs. Team Jones – as you should be – and you also prefer your fried food to be delivered by the daughters of former hair metal video vixens, then today is your Christmas.
Hot off of the sex tape scandal that absolutely nobody on this planet ever asked for – except maybe the “It’s still real to me!” guy – TNA Impact Wrestling superstar/general manager Hulk Hogan has proudly announced his next big step in choking the life out of his cultural relevance. The Hulkster is opening a restaurant on Monday in his beloved hometown of Tampa, Florida, and it’s not just any old restaurant. Not with Hogan involved. Nope, he’s opening a “breastaurant”, because of course he is.
“It’s going to be Jimmy Buffett’s [Margaritaville] times 10; Hooters times 10. It’s a logical extension of the Hogan brand, with my image and likeness. We’re looking for something like Winter the Dolphin. In 36 years I’ve become so tangible to the public, and not just Americans. We have a chance to have an international draw.” (Via Tampa Bay Times)
And this won’t be like, for instance, Manning’s in New Orleans that just wraps slow service and sad portions up in the charm of Peyton and Eli memorabilia. No way, brother. Hogan’s going to be all up in this mess, making sure that the hot wings are hot and the boobies are a-bouncin’.
“I see myself almost like a general manager, creatively. I play a fake general manager on Impact Wrestling. But this is for real.”
Hogan’s Beach, which is a surprisingly tame name for a “breastaurant” that will be 10 times the ridiculousness of Hooters, will feature a mechanical shark, five sand volleyball courts, fire pits, beach cabanas and even live bands. The first act up for Hogan’s Beach? Sister Hazel on Valentine’s Day, mother f*ckers. Nothing says, “I love you, babe” like some “All for You” and food inspired by a guy who rubs suntan oil into his daughter’s butt.
If all goes well and this restaurant is a smash, CMT could launch a reality show about the actual restaurant’s day-to-day business, which Hogan described as “Bay Watch, Muscle Beach and Cheers all in one.” So if watching Hogan huff and puff through a session of “Hide the Leather Thermos” was too much for you, you’ll soon be able to watch him hit on 18-year old sorority girls. God bless America.
Oh, and if this song isn’t performed on the main stage by March, then Hogan will never have my business…
Ah, the first Monday NFL hangover of 2011. And what a Sunday it was, friends. We’ll soon be discussing all sorts of things like last night’s poopfest between Mark Sanchez and Tony Romo, as well as all the college football drama you can swallow. In the meantime, enjoy these links.
(and just like these girls, we want to thank the fire fighters and place men)
Who The Heck Are These Guys: The FilmDrunk Guide To Happy Madison - Every entry should just be “gets to make movies because he’s friends with Adam Sandler”, but you don’t really get to those guys until page 4. [Film Drunk]
‘Home Improvement’ Reunion: Jonathan Taylor Thomas Turns 30 - And he looks weird. Welcome to your future, Bieber. Now do Wild America 2. |Warming Glow|
The Internet Improves Upon The Art Of The Old Masters with Fat Cat Photoshops - Children 80 years from now are gonna be learning that cats were actually in these paintings, and it’s all our fault. We’re creating Idiocracy by accident, people. [Gamma Squad]
Internet Rallies To Help Mentally Disabled Man Whose Superman Collection Was Stolen - Sometimes the Internet is a cool place. Although really, who steals a Superman collection from a mentally disabled person? There are like eight different questions of “why” in that. [UPROXX]
Wait, There’s a Postapocalyptic Porn? And It’s Serious? - Yeah right, like you didn’t know this was a thing. How hard is it to put some buttf**king in a remake of The Road? Not very. [Gamma Squad]
All Of The Musicians You Were Conceived To Reunite For Hilarity - I like David D., but he is severely overestimating my parents if he thinks they were doing it to Jodeci. My parents conceived me to Andrew Gold, pretty sure. [Smoking Section]
South Park Guys Crash NYU Writing Class - I would give any amount of money for Trey Parker to crash something I’m doing. I don’t care if I’m doing open heart sugery, I want him to lean in the room and yell DOOK ERR JERBSSSS. [Warming Glow[
Of Course Bridesmaids Has A Porn Parody - Torrent or it didn't happen. Why can't Kristen Wiig be in this one? [Film Drunk]
Meet the Real Life Russian Barbie Doll - Feel like I’ve already met this lady like 40 times. [Buzzfeed]
Daughter of F1 boss spends $1.6 million on crystal bathtub, says “it’s worth it” - This is how I felt when I paid 15 dollars for the pot holder that looks like Pac-Man. [FARK]
Rumor: Henry Cavill’s Too-Sexy ‘Man of Steel’ Suit May Have to Go - Rumor: somebody finally realized they were making another goddamn Superman movie and nobody is going to pay to see it, so they’ve got to call “too much bulge” and shut it down. [Moviefone]
16 Celebrities Who Fled the Midwest For Hollywood - I want to see somebody make a list of the 16,000 other people who did this and ended up selling t-shirts on the side of the road. [The Smoking Jacket]
I'm not wealthy enough to really care about golf, but I've heard that the Masters — where I guess Tiger Woods has done well in the past — is going on this weekend. If you have a fantasy golf team, you can follow the results on the live leaderboard here.
Me, I care about fatass drunks like John Daly. Daly, who had his PGA Tour card revoked last year (on account of sucking for too long), is signing autographs at the Hooters restaurant down the road from Augusta National. Which sounds like a lot more fun (both to do and to watch) than golf, but maybe I'm weird.
Speaking of Hooters, is anyone else put off by the shiny nylon-tights and big scrunchy white gym socks? And by the fact that you can't get a lap dance with your sandwich?
All Of The Musicians You Were Conceived To Reunite For Hilarity - I like David D., but he is severely overestimating my parents if he thinks they were doing it to Jodeci. My parents conceived me to 
