If your Monday morning is starting off badly, consider that it could always be worse … you could be this Hooters ball girl, who scooped up a fair ball during Saturday’s Phillies/Rays game and gave it away to a kid in the crowd. Keep perpetuating those stereotypes, Hooters ball girl! (via Holdout Sports)

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If there’s one thing that I have little tolerance for, it’s crime. But the easiest way to push me into full on vigilante mode is to commit a criminal act against a “breastaurant”, and that’s exactly what two bros did in the wee hours of Tuesday morning last week in San Diego. Fortunately, the Hooters on Bernardo Drive in San Diego was closed and empty when two men “in their late teens or 20s” shattered the glass of the store’s front door and attempted to pull off one of the stupidest robberies you’ll ever hear of.

The driver tried to back the truck into the business, but the door opening was too narrow, Brown said. The other suspect then got a tow strap from the truck’s bed and wrapped it around the free-standing five-foot-tall juke box with the restaurant’s logo in the restaurant’s lobby, Brown said.

That suspect pushed the machine toward the doors and the driver helped get it into the truck before they drove off, Brown said. (Via ABC 10 News)

Wait, they stole the jukebox from a Hooters? Don’t they know they could have saved a lot of time and effort by just illegally downloading every Nickelback album? Actually, it turns out they’re just complete idiots.

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Because we know our readers, I’m posting some last second Valentine’s Day ideas for our bros so they don’t end up getting dumped by their stripper girlfriends and catfish today. For starters, take your babe to Hooters for that awesome deal above, because nothing says, “I love you, girl” like staring at a college girl’s fake breasts while pretending to care about your girlfriend’s smelly co-worker with the “hips that couldn’t fit through the St. Louis Arch”.

Additionally, you can read her one of these beautiful love poems that me and some much more notable comedians wrote. However, if you choose to combine these two ideas, not even a condom wrapped in a diaphragm can stop all of the babies that you’re going to make tonight. So tread lightly.

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As we learned during Saturday’s UFC on FX 7 live discussion, Dana White’s empire has once again teamed with the restaurant franchise Hooters to make it the official watch party location for the new season of The Ultimate Fighter, which debuts tonight at 8 PM on FX. So if you’re excited about Team Sonnen vs. Team Jones – as you should be – and you also prefer your fried food to be delivered by the daughters of former hair metal video vixens, then today is your Christmas.

Alas, I type before you today with a heavy heart as the bearer of bad news. It seems, friends, that the fine people at the Buffalo wing breastuary have decided that Hooters, in spite of its empowering history, needs a makeover. That’s right, the franchise that helped a young Jon Gruden earn his first paycheck and many a sorority girl sidestep membership fees on SeekingArrangements.com is going “family friendly”.

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Hot off of the sex tape scandal that absolutely nobody on this planet ever asked for – except maybe the “It’s still real to me!” guy – TNA Impact Wrestling superstar/general manager Hulk Hogan has proudly announced his next big step in choking the life out of his cultural relevance. The Hulkster is opening a restaurant on Monday in his beloved hometown of Tampa, Florida, and it’s not just any old restaurant. Not with Hogan involved. Nope, he’s opening a “breastaurant”, because of course he is.

“It’s going to be Jimmy Buffett’s [Margaritaville] times 10; Hooters times 10. It’s a logical extension of the Hogan brand, with my image and likeness. We’re looking for something like Winter the Dolphin. In 36 years I’ve become so tangible to the public, and not just Americans. We have a chance to have an international draw.” (Via Tampa Bay Times)

And this won’t be like, for instance, Manning’s in New Orleans that just wraps slow service and sad portions up in the charm of Peyton and Eli memorabilia. No way, brother. Hogan’s going to be all up in this mess, making sure that the hot wings are hot and the boobies are a-bouncin’.

“I see myself almost like a general manager, creatively. I play a fake general manager on Impact Wrestling. But this is for real.”

Hogan’s Beach, which is a surprisingly tame name for a “breastaurant” that will be 10 times the ridiculousness of Hooters, will feature a mechanical shark, five sand volleyball courts, fire pits, beach cabanas and even live bands. The first act up for Hogan’s Beach? Sister Hazel on Valentine’s Day, mother f*ckers. Nothing says, “I love you, babe” like some “All for You” and food inspired by a guy who rubs suntan oil into his daughter’s butt.

If all goes well and this restaurant is a smash, CMT could launch a reality show about the actual restaurant’s day-to-day business, which Hogan described as “Bay Watch, Muscle Beach and Cheers all in one.” So if watching Hogan huff and puff through a session of “Hide the Leather Thermos” was too much for you, you’ll soon be able to watch him hit on 18-year old sorority girls. God bless America.

Oh, and if this song isn’t performed on the main stage by March, then Hogan will never have my business…

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