"I will take two blumpkins, please."

Hey, remember Greg Raymer, the every guy, average Joe who, along with Chris Moneymaker the year before, came out of nowhere to win the 2004 World Series Poker Main Event and helped push the classic card game to new heights of global popularity? He had a pretty sh*tty weekend.

World Series of Poker champ Greg Raymer — aka the FossilMan — has been busted for trying to bury his bone … after allegedly soliciting a prostitute online.

HEYOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Nobody zings ‘em like the TMZ gang. Anyway, what else?

A rep for the Wake Forest PD in North Carolina says Raymer was popped at a Wake Forest hotel on Wednesday.

Police say the 48-year-old poker legend was one of six men who responded to an advertisement posted by an undercover cop on a website frequented by prostitutes. The men have since been released on $1,000 bond.

This is pretty disappointing, as Raymer was a hero to frat boys and college dorm room recluses who fancied websites like Bodog, Full Tilt and that other one that I used to play on but can’t remember the name anymore as new sources of quick income and fame, since everyone with a high speed Internet connection once thought, “Hell, if Moneymaker and that fat bastard can win a million bucks playing poker, then so can I.”

Sadly, it turns out that it was probably much easier to just recreate this point in his career than any other. Or maybe playing like a “donk” and pissing off Mike Matusow, but then that’s probably the easiest thing anyone could do.

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Ronaldo likey what he sees.

One of my 2013 New Year’s sports resolutions that I forgot to write about was more soccer coverage this year, because people seem to like soccer despite that whole not-using-your-hands thing. But hey, people also love women’s basketball, so what the hell do I know? Anyway, there’s a lot of buzz around the 2014 World Cup already, from Brazil actively promoting its diversity to American cities like Seattle and Denver trying to host qualifiers.

None of that matters, though, because it’s really boring and we’ve already been spoiled rotten by Brazil with the Miss Bum Bum Brasil Pageant and its incredibly sexy scandals, so it’s going to take a lot from those festive party animals to really grab our attention, and that was quick – Brazil’s prostitutes are learning English to prepare for the World Cup.

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U-S-A?

Chances are that before yesterday, unless you were a huge fan of the Summer Olympics in the 1990s, you had no clue who Suzy Favor Hamilton was, and that’s fine because you have a lot on your mind. Some people may remember her as the 1500m runner who intentionally fell during the women’s final at the 2000 Sydney Olympics because she was losing and she was a poor sport. Or maybe you remember her from this controversial Nike ad that was yanked during those same Olympics because people didn’t have a sense of humor back then either.

However, as you’ve probably seen in between stockpiling rations and digging a last-second bunker in your front yard, you could have gotten to know her very well this year for roughly $600 an hour. It turns out that the married mother was leading a double life as an escort in Las Vegas since last December, and of course I couldn’t wait three more days to write my Best Sports Moments of 2012 feature.

The Smoking Gun revealed this incredible story yesterday after a reporter had uncovered Hamilton’s unbelievable secret and confronted her with it.

“I take full responsibility for my mistakes. I’m not the victim and I’m not going that route,” Favor Hamilton said. “I’m owning up to what I did. I would not blame anybody except myself.” She added, “Everybody in this world makes mistakes. I made a huge mistake. Huge.”

HUGE! Like, while she was saying this, she should have been holding her arms as far apart as she possibly could or maybe just have been holding a sign that read: “HUGE!” in really huge letters. I mean, good golly, lady. A secret double life as a high end Vegas escort? If you’re that bored or depressed, get a puppy.

But I won’t pretend to play shrink to Hamilton’s chaotic brain, and I don’t have to because she ran off a series of Tweets yesterday explaining why she did this.

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By all accounts, 2011 was a fantastic year for David Beckham. Granted, it doesn’t take much for Beckham to have a great year, other than just waking up and collecting whatever random amount of money is being thrown at him and his wife, Ginger Scary Sporty Baby Posh Victoria, that day. But last year he was fortunate enough to get the albatross off his back in helping the L.A. Galaxy win the MLS Cup, and unless I missed someone throwing a pot of boiling water at his face, he’s still David-f*cking-Beckham.

Momentum already seems to be carrying over into 2012 for Becks as well, because word is he’s already being heavily considered to be the captain of Great Britain’s soccer team at the Olympics in London, and he’s returning to the Galaxy for two more seasons, as some people assume he’ll eventually make a push to buy the team. But before any of that happens, he has one tiny little thing that he wants to take care of – he really wants to sue In Touch Weekly and prostitute Irma Nici for claiming that he slept with her 5 times to the tune of $10,000 a pop in 2007.

The problem is a judge already said he can’t.

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By now you’re probably familiar with the story of Paisley Dickey, the diminutive diva who has become a “Toddlers & Tiaras” anti-sensation in the wake of her mother dressing her as a prostitute on a recent episode of the show from hell. To be specific, Paisley was dressed as Julia Roberts’ hooker character from Pretty Woman, so at least she has a heart of gold.

So why, Burnsy, is this being discussed on this esteemed fart joke machine sports blog? Because Paisley’s mother, Wendy, has invoked my unholiest wrath with the laziest argument in the world.

‘I take my kid to church every week… at least I’m not forcing them into sports and getting my child injured like some parents.

‘People need to look at their own family and what they’re doing. I don’t know why people are focusing so much on pageant moms when there’s much more harmful things people are letting their children do!’

(Via The Daily Mail)

Yeah, like play sports and learn the importance of teamwork, leadership, discipline, and Big League Chew as a stepping stone to Red Man. OK, maybe not that last part, but you get my point.

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Montgomery police arrested 10 people in a prostitution sting, and 28-year-old Leslie Parker, seen here supporting Nick Saban’s Sugar Bowl-bound Crimson Tide, was one of seven women arrested.  I think I speak for everyone when I say RAWR!

For your viewing pleasure, the Montgomery Adviser has compiled a photo gallery of the mug shots, and let’s just say that your average small-city Alabama hooker is a much different breed than the high-priced Vegas call girl.  Or so I would imagine.  It’s not like I’ve strangled one to get off before.  Ha ha.  No, I’m not sweating.  You’re sweating.  What am I, on trial?

I am?  Oh.  I guess that explains the 12 strangers in the box over there.

[The Sporting Blog]