I don’t know much about cricket, except that they use a flat bat and that little Jenga thing where the catcher should be, but I know a prominent Aussie actor getting hit in the nuts when I see it. Yes, this is the probably-not-gay Hugh Jackman, international star of stage and screen, getting his doorbell rung in what looks like a little BP. More like “little pee pee.” Oh man, that’s the funniest thing I’ll write all week.

But seriously, just look at the stage presence. Does Jackman go down in a heap? No. Does he cry for his mommy? No. He gets back in there and takes his cuts. What fantastic human storytelling. What a great lesson in life. Hugh Jackman, we salute you and your manly balls, and may God save the Queen. And by “the Queen,” I mean that interior decorator that you visit at the clubs all the time.

It’s nice to know that Nike doesn’t discriminate on the basis of color-blindness or general grasp of aesthetics. The athletic shoe and apparel company just rolled out their latest set of special uniforms for the rivalry games of the schools they represent, and I’m not impressed.

A lot of people get excited over these rollouts, but I’m not one of them. For example, the Ohio State getup is a nice nod to the 1942 national championship team, but those scarlet helmets just look…weird, man. Is that my team? Will there be buckeyes on those helmets? Almost certainly not, but what I’m trying to say is, “Get off my lawn, you little bastards!”

Here’s the full lineup here. And then come back and tell me what a curmudgeon I am.

Be prepared to have the crotch cleavage of your favorite professional bible thumper forever seared into your memory for the foreseeable future because pretty soon Tim Tebow’s privates will be blown up and shown wherever advertisements are sold. According to Darren Rovell’s twitter, and verified by his own page on the Jockey underwear website, Tim Tebow is the new face of those testicle shattering compression shorts athletes like to wear.

Heisman Trophy Winner and pro football quarterback Tim Tebow will serve as a Jockey spokesperson beginning in July, 2010.

“I’m excited to represent the Jockey brand. I’ve long been a fan and consumer of Jockey and I’m looking forward to a great relationship with such a respectable and innovative company.”

Tim will work with several of Jockey’s product lines, including the Jockey Staycool collection coming in Spring 2011. -Jockey

It’s tough to imagine someone who values their image as a crystal clean Christian lover of the universe as much as Tebow to do something as racy as appear in underwear advertisements, but I guess somebody has to pay for his trips to the Philippines to chop off the foreskins of orphan babies, right? And for all we know, Tebow may have already chopped off his private parts to have them cryogenically frozen until marriage to stave off any chance of female temptation so we may not even have to stare at the massive outline of his private region as it stares menacingly down upon us from its perch in the middle of Times Square. Good luck, New Yorkers. At least this’ll make being blind cool again.

It’s just your typical “Special Olympian nails buzzer beater that really wasn’t a buzzer beater but nobody cares because the kid’s kinda retarded and it’s a nice moment for everyone” video. This is exactly how I feel whenever I watched Bengals games in the 1990s. Aw, they’re trying to act like real people! Isn’t that nice? Yeah, this kind of is, actually.
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I was really making my way toward the “soccer is not gay” camp until I saw this video of Chelsea (heyyy!) celebrating their FA cup and giving “the business” to José Bosingwa. Save it for the club, you silly sailors. I guess the only wagging going on was in the team shower after…okay, you get the idea. There’s no sound on the video, but I don’t think anyone will be upset about it. [Thanks, Maj]

You can wash your retinas out here when you’re done with that.

I’ve always thought that figure skating champion and generally fabulous guy Johnny Weir was the basis for Will Ferrell’s character in Blades of Glory, but then I realized that Will Ferrell is the only basis for any Will Ferell’s characters. Anyway, we’re ending the day on a gay note, so here’s Weir being queer. Not that all figure skating should be considered homosexual. Or bad. But when it’s done wearing a corset and face paint…that doesn’t leave much room to interpretation.

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