El Perro de la Langosta dice, "Caramba! Ese un hombre con la muneta!"

In news that’s a few weeks old and should have never happened, grown men from across Venezuela gathered in the country’s capital city, Caracas, on December 11 to compete for the title of Miss Barbie Venezuela. Adult males primped and preened the classic Barbie dolls by styling their hair and creating custom dresses, then they gave their dolls extensive backgrounds – careers, educations, philanthropic work, etc. – and shared them with the audience as if they were actually beauty pageant contestants. And can you believe it, not once did they make their Barbie dolls have sex with a Stretch Armstrong.

The winner of this year’s Venezuela title was someone who does not deserve the effort of a Google search, and he can proudly go on to compete at the 2011 Miss Barbie Universe pageant, which will take place in the 7th circle of hell.

Anyway, video of the Miss Barbie Venezuela pageant surfaced over the weekend, and if you think your life sucks, well, don‘t go dropping a toaster in your bubble bath just yet. There she is, Miss Barbie Venezuela, after the jump…

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The Oregon Ducks are planning to wear special uniforms for their national championship tilt against Auburn. And while those gentlemen living in the deep south have exercised some fashion nightmares in their days, this submission is enough to make Ryan Seacrest squeal like a little girl. In other words, normally.

No big surprises – they include muted metallic grays and blinding lime green highlights, including green socks.

The Oregonian talked to designer Todd Van Horne about the newest look. Apparently, head coach Chip Kelly also lists fashion consultant on his resume.

“We worked with (Kelly) and designed something that will actually look like blur on the field,” [designer Todd] Van Horne said.

–The Oregonian.

Not pictured: the neon jockstraps and incandescent LED lights in the helmets that change the color of the “O” depending on the player’s mood. I’ve had it with all of the Oregon uniforms. I don’t need to see every which way a school can polish a turd. Until they put actual wings and machine guns on there, I’m done. Yes, I think it’s time to see machine guns in college football. Mike Leach is totally cool with it.

Two weeks ago, nerds from across Great Britain gathered to compete for the national Scrabble championship, a title so monumental that women don’t even bother wearing panties around the champions lest they soak them instantly. But this year’s championship is perhaps the most unique in the event’s history, as the champion is transsexual. Thirty-two year old Mikki Nicholson has been diagnosed as a “woman trapped in a man’s body.” This is unrelated to my current lawsuit involving a “woman trapped in a man’s basement.”

Nicholson won the tournament with the word obeisant, which means respect, and for his/her efforts, he/she won £1,500 and he/she plans to use that money to travel to Malaysia in December for another Scrabble championship. That sounds like a great idea unless I’m completely missing something, Press Association…

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I don’t really have a reason for disliking Shaquille O’Neal other than his constant criticism of my beautiful home of Orlando, Florida, or the way he burns bridges for the sake of his own amusement NBA public relations and marketing, and even though I’m going to watch him and the Boston Celtics poop on my Orlando Magic four times this season, I just can’t help but like the Big Goofball. Shaq’s latest antics involve him dressed in drag as his new feminine alter ego, Shaqeeta. Joined by his current girlfriend and Flavor of Love reject, Nicole “Hoopz” Alexander, Shaq recorded the best Halloween video of any professional athlete.

I suppose it helps that it’s the only Halloween video that I’ve seen from a pro athlete as well. Whatever, if I wanted to spend my days stalking athletes on the Internet, then I’d have to give up my real life stalking of Diora Baird, and I’m afraid I’m just not ready to give her up yet. Regardless, if you woke up this morning and thought to yourself, “You know, I’d really love to see a 7’1”, 325-pound man dressed as a woman and singing Beyonce’s ‘Sweet Dreams’” then you’re in luck.

Nightmare fuel, carb-light edition after the jump…

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In case you haven’t been watching – and I seriously hope you haven’t been watching – former Super Bowl MVP Kurt Warner has been a contestant on Dancing with the Stars this season, and his performances through this week have reportedly been bad. How bad? ABC tried to replace him with Marc Bulger Matt Leinart. I kid, I kid. But seriously, he’s been terrible.

I can judge Warner’s dancing skills with confidence because after watching this video of his performance from Tuesday night’s DWTS I watched a few other performances and then I cried a little, mainly because I had to watch videos of people dancing, but also because I sat on my balls a little. Warner and his partner Anna Trebunskaya received a score of 22 out of 30, which is still not as bad as Michael Bolton’s 12 from earlier in the season (Thanks, Google!). The judges also called this performance “awkward”, but only because Dick Vermeil was crying the whole time.

Watch Warner get jiggy with it and call for a flag after the jump…

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On September 26, the Baltimore Ravens were busy squeaking out a tough 24-17 win over the Cleveland Browns. More than two weeks later, the focus isn’t on the Ravens’ hot 4-1 start, but instead the attention is going to a decision by stadium security to eject a lesbian couple from that game at halftime. Mary Kate Morris and Nicole Marchetto wanted to hit the potty at halftime, but a long line sent them to the concession stand instead. From there, well it just got sexy.

Morris and Marchetto were confronted by a security guard after he witnessed them making out in line. He accused the two of making a scene, to which every adult male at the game replied, “Yeah, this is just terrible. Please, oh please someone stop this madness.”

Light some candles, shed your flannel and throw on a Tegan and Sara album, Washington Blade:

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