It's almost football season, which can only mean one thing: non-stop Tom Brady news, courtesy the most irritatingly written gossip page in America, the Boston Herald's Inside Track. Dreamboat left practice early to go to a Coldplay concert with girlfriend Gisele Bundchen and other rich and famous people, and lead singer Chris Martin showed the proper deference, dedicating the final song of the night to No. 12.
“I don’t want to do this really because it’s cheesy . . . but we’re great fans of his and he’s probably left the building anyway,” said the Coldplay frontman. “We’d like to dedicate this to Tom Brady - your quarterback. We’re big fans of his and very honored he came to the show, and I hope to goodness it was worth it.”
But wait, there's more Dreamboat news! Brady will grace the next cover of Esquire – accompanied by the sage words "Let's Stop Hating on Tom Brady" — and the play-caller understands where he stands in the universe.
"Look at the attention I get: It’s because I throw a football. But that’s what society values. That’s not what God values," Brady said. "He didn’t invent the game. We did. I have some eye-hand coordination, and I can throw the ball. I don’t think that matters to God."
And of course we all know that's a lie. Tom Brady's skill as a quarterback is paramount to God's success. Wait, God is still Bill Belichick, right?
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Former Patriots first-round pick Tebucky Jones faces breach of peace, third-degree assault and fourth-degree sexual assault charges after getting all handsy with a woman in a lobby of a casino in Connecticut. Because if you want to get away with something illicit in a casino, you might as well do it where the most eyes are trained. Next time, I'd recommend shaking a pregnant woman on top of the roulette table.
State police said around 1 a.m. Friday, Jones, 33, had "inappropriate contact" with the unnamed woman. Her boyfriend, Nikolaos Papathanasiou, 24, of Quaker Hill, then got into an argument with Jones, which escalated into a physical fight.
According to a police report, Jones knocked over the woman and punched her boyfriend in the face, causing multiple injuries. A third man, Mark A. Chichester, 36, of New London, stepped in and punched Jones, before police arrived.
Wow. Inappropriate contact that results in knocking the woman over? That's an awful strong titty squeeze. He must've been a monster in touch football. A shame that tackle version didn't work out for him. I'm sure there's a prison league. For inappropriate touching, at least. Football if you're lucky.
Tom Casale is a former writer for Patriots Football Weekly who recently left in order to blog for Pregame.com, a gambling website. Posting as "Tommy Rider," he spilled his guts on the Pats organization. Please note: guts may include a lot of shit.
–Tedy Bruschi is much more popular with the fans than he is with his teammates. He isn't the team leader people think he is. Actually, Bruschi rarely talks to any of his teammates… Bruschi is just an unlikable person in general and I think his teammates know what's what and get sick of his act. He created an image that he presents to the public but his teammates know better…
–Corey Dillon is about the most miserable piece of shit you would ever want to encounter.
To be fair, Casale also praises the organization and several players, but nothing comes close to this doozy: the notion of a Bill Belichick sex tape.
I heard from someone who is close to the case that there is a sex tape of Bill Belichick banging the married woman he had an affair with. I shit you not. The husband who is suing that woman for being unfaithful to him has a tape of his wife and Belichick screwing while the two of them were still married.
RAWR! Hell yes Bill Belichick has tape of himself having sex. How else is he supposed to study his tendencies and eliminate weaknesses? He just has to be the best fucking coach ever.
Note: I strongly recommend reading the comments on Casale's post. Judging by most people's reactions, he's one of the more vile, underhanded people to ever walk the earth.
The New England Patriots' 18-year-old cheerleader Rebecca Lewis proved to be something of a challenge to Internet stalkers in search of a photo when she was first added to the squad a few months back.
But now the team is just mocking us by selling glossies of her with personalized messages for the low, low price of $10.
I wonder how extreme they'll let Rebecca - or the 12-year-old Laotian girl Robert Kraft kidnapped for fake autographing duties - get with the personalized messages. "Dear NickNicky, Hope all's well with the sex change operation. Make sure they let you keep what they cut off. It has great resale value. Yours in Christ, Rebecca."
So not only are they cutting into my teenage girl photo market but victim-written ransom note business. Such neat penmanship, and not even a hint of bloodstains or panic evident in the letter strokes. I can't compete with that!
The NFL just can't stand to have any competition.
Giants defensive end/lingerie model-humper Osi Umenyiora appeared on what looks like Mike and Mike without Mike or Mike, and laid down a Tom Brady freestyle dis track that will go down in history next to Shaq's dismissal of Kobe. At least, I think it's a dis track. Umenyiora calls Brady "handsome and cute," then at the end of it he says he's just kidding. Oh, snap! So Tom Brady ISN'T cute!!! That is a fucking BURN. Don't show your non-cute face around here no mo' Tom Brady! Your ass got OWNED!
Patriots cornerback Willie Andrews is best known, if at all, as the guy who got arrested the day after the Super Bowl for having a half-pound of marijuana. Yesterday, he added a second arrest to his offseason when police picked him up for assault with a dangerous weapon. Apparently the police side with the woman if your fiancee claims you pointed a gun at her head. Fascist cops.
The woman told police that she confronted Willie Andrews, 24, in a bedroom of his apartment on Sunday night, according to the Sun Chronicle. She said that Andrews was waving the gun and that it touched her temple…
Early Monday morning, police saw Andrews talking to the woman in the hotel parking lot. She told police that she was scared because he "threatened to shoot her in the past."
Why do chicks always have to go blabbing to the police all the time? I'm sure he only threatened to shoot her because he loves her so much. You know, people always talk about how abusive relationships lead to murder, but they never talk about the love behind the murder. Shouldn't that count for something in this crazy world?
[FanHaus]
