Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

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Links

Five ’90s Comic Book Movies That Could Use a Reboot - None of them! No more comic book movies. It’s time to go back to actual books and makes the comics guys work for their money for a few years. I would like to see a new The Rocketeer, though. [Gamma Squad]

Incontrovertible Proof that Tom Cruise is Not Gay - Now contrast this with NASCAR guys, who’ll tell you that Jeff Gordon is gay because he’s mildly handsome. [Warming Glow]

Rihanna’s Smoking Something In Hawaii - I can’t wait until 30 years from now when she’s doing guest spots on Enzyte commercials. “Come on, rude boy! Get it up!” [Smoking Section]

Hanksy Brings Together Tom Hanks And Banksy. Finally. - Somebody do an Andy Warhol/Andy Griffith mash-up so I can laugh and clap my hands and pretend like the Internet was around in the 1960s. [UPROXX]

Andy Warhol At Gristede’s Supermarket, 1962 - Eh, close enough. [High Definite]

George Lucas Talks Retirement, Racism, And Nuking The Fridge - George Lucas should do a Barbara Walters special and admit that he’s just not very good at this, got pretty lucky 35 years ago and is happy to know Spielberg and Coppola. Also that his head looks like a throw pillow. [Gamma Squad]

Michelle Trachtenberg May Have A Sex Tape - Or a “walking around naked tape”, or something. Regardless, the Euro Trip fan in me as going !!!!!!! Uh, sorry, I meant “the Buffy fan”. [FARK]

25 People Who Thought SOPA Was About Soap - 25 people who thought NAFTA was about space travel! Make it happen, Buzzfeed! [Buzzfeed]

7 Sites You Should Be Wasting Time On Right Now - Good job, Burnsy. The most fitting end to my run at With Leather would be for HuffPo to buy UPROXX and fire me. They’re like the Clear Channel of the Internet. [HuffPost Comedy]

‘The Day the LOL Cats Died’ Is the Official Song of the SOPA Protests - I also would’ve accepted the Boxxy I AM NOT TROLLIN’ remix or something involving a Weird Al version of the Bed Intruder. [The FW]

The 11 Crappiest Movies of Kate Beckinsale’s Career - What’s weird is that I’d honestly be more interested in reading the “1 Good Movie Of Kate Beckinsale’s Career” list. Is it Laurel Canyon? No, it can’t be that. [Pajiba]

Couple Attempts to Explode a Car By Using Flaming Tampons - If this is viral marketing for Grand Theft Auto 5 I am so excited. [Brobible]

Usually when a school in the deep south wants to insult a rival, they print out a bunch of stickers of Calvin from Calvin & Hobbes pissing on their logo or something and plaster them on the windows of their trucks, and an entire school of rednecks end up with a child urinating on their car forever and we move on with our lives. Unfortunately for the University of Alabama, some enterprising soul has decided to take the “lol look you got peed on” joshing to a weird, hate crimey place.

The report, from the unfortunately named UnicornBooty.com:

In preparation of their upcoming game against LSU on January 9, the University of Alabama is selling t-shirts promoting a hate crime. The plan is for thousands of Alabama Crimson Tide fans to flood Bourbon Street, home to some of the oldest gay watering holes in the country, dressed in t-shirts that read:

HEY HOMEAUXS – WE JUST BEAT THE HELL OUT OF YOU.

As if using violent assaults against LGBT victims as a pun to sell college football merchandise wasn’t bad enough, the printer’s French is also atrocious. Aux is already plural, and in no need of an S.

Thank goodness LSU’s mascot isn’t the “black” something, I guess.

The comments section of the mythical creature’s ass contains a conversation with someone claiming to be the creator of the shirt, rationalizing that he didn’t realize gay people would be offended by “hey faggot I’m going to murder you” and noting that the shirts are a response to some fans from a few years ago wearing “Alabama Fans Are Homeauxs” shirts to games. He’s very sorry. And while it’s pretty easy to believe a guy from Alabama could be super stupid instead of homophobic, it’s interesting to consider why a Louisiana team would think calling a Tuscaloosa team with a vaginal bleeding euphemism for a mascot “homos” with a Frenglish spelling is beyond me. I’m gonna stick with “he’s an inbred goon and thought this was hilarious”.

Way to go, Governor Goodhair, now you’re a meme.

Links

There’s Already A Majora’s Mask Remake, It’s Called Skyward Sword - True story: I was more excited for Twilight Princess than any video game in history. I kept up with news, put in pre-orders, everything. It got pushed back. Then it got pushed back farther. And farther. Then it was on a different system. By the time it actually came out we’d grown apart and it was blurry as f**k, and I never played past that stupid part where you have to fish and herd goats, or whatever. I changed, Zelda, and you didn’t. [Gamma Squad]

‘Modern Family’: The Most Effortlessly Predictable Show On TV - I agree with this, but wonder how funny it would’ve been to have had the Internet back when shows didn’t have to be dynamic. “WHY HAVEN’T SANFORD AND SON CHANGED THEIR RELATIONSHIP AT ALL THIS IS RIDICULOUS” [Warming Glow]

The KSK Sex & Fantasy Football Mailbag, Now Christian Friendly - I started my own Afternoon Snooze Button site, but it wasn’t on the Internet, and it turns out I was just on a ton of drugs. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Really, Lionsgate? An American Psycho Remake? - So they’re “updating” and “modernizing” it, and best case scenario it’ll come out looking something like the Mila Kunis vehicle American Psycho: American Psychoer, The Chickening. [Film Drunk]

The New New Twitter Design Sure Looks Pretty - Awesome, now I can be ignored by celebrities and called the f-word on a more aesthetically pleasing interface! [UPROXX]

Pulp Fiction In Chronological Order Validates YouTube’s Time Limit Increase - They should modernize and reimagine and update Pulp Fiction, because the milkshake should be 15 dollars. [UPROXX]

Works Of Art: Rap’s 33 Most Memorable Illustrated Album Covers - Come for Drake getting cover ideas from Threadless, stay for “Lord Willin’”, the only time Jesus has ever been to Virginia Beach. [Smoking Section]

Video: Countdown To UFC 140 - I’d cover UFC more often, but I don’t want you guys to start leaving me GAWD IS THIS JUST AN MMA SITE NOW?? comments. [Cage Potato]

Lindsay Lohan Playboy Cover Leaks - Now all we need is for Jennifer Love Hewitt to wait until she’s 45 and pose pregnant or something to complete the biggest cock letdown in human history. [Buzzfeed]

The 10 Best Episodes of NBC’s Community - The top 3 are definitely right, but I would’ve moved paintball to third and found somewhere for Abed’s Uncontrollable Christmas. [Pajiba]

Von Wafer has played for 6 NBA teams since he was drafted in the second round of the 2005 NBA Draft, so it came as little surprise that he chose to play in Italy for a year instead of waiting out the lockout. But it’s not his paltry 7.3 ppg career scoring average that has people buzzing like sassy little bees today. It’s a Tweet that Wafer – real name Vakeaton Quamar Wafer – allegedly sent out yesterday around 4:30 p.m. and that remained on his Twitter for hours after. As you can read above, Von may have announced to the world that he’s gay.

Wafer’s agent denied that the guard could have posted such a Tweet, as he was on a plane from Italy to the U.S. at the time, but it’s really quite puzzling why a guy with a profile as low as Wafer’s would suddenly be the target for a good, old-fashioned “I’mma Tweet you’re gay” prank. In fact, let’s put on our conspiracy glasses – Gucci, natch – for a second and wonder out loud. Six teams in 6 years, and while playing for the Boston Celtics (his last NBA team) he was involved in a random locker room fist fight with Delonte West, for which there never was much of an explanation other than “They were competing for the same position.”

Could Wafer’s decision to play in Italy have been spurred by the lack of tolerance for his homosexuality as much as it was about a paycheck? Or is this just a simple prank that someone pulled on Wafer, whose nickname is also “The Dutch Cookie.” Only time will tell, I guess.

Before we start, a bit of advice: don’t google “star kris is gay” looking for a photo of this magazine cover without your SafeSearch on. It’s not accurate.

So it turns out Kris Humphries is gay, or at least that’s the word from the woman who just married him for real because they loved each other. Of course his rep is issuing statements about how the accusations are “completely false and ridiculous,” adding, “He is not gay”, not ever stopping to just say “what, are you serious? It’s 2011, stop being stupid”. YOUR GAY in all caps with the improper possessive adjective shouldn’t still be a thing, especially from adults with television shows, and the only reason I’m sharing this cover is because of the awesome, almost Middle Earth-style universe it creates with its sub-headlines.

He wouldn’t touch her after the honeymoon
WHAT KHLOE SAW
Now: Kris vows to DESTROY the Karashians!

They could’ve written SPIDER-MAN: NO MORE across the top and it would’ve been just as reputable. “What Khloe saw” is pretty funny because the TMZ super capitalization for emphasis and because you can make lots of great “she could see over everybody” jokes, but the Jack Kirby finishing line is the best. I love the idea that Kris Humphries is a gay mad scientist who managed to trick his way into the family, but now that his evil dark gay secret has been revealed he’s quitting sports and championing a bunch of maniacal robots to destroy Kardashian Headquarters. He could wear a rainbow cape. Star Magazine is a better comic than at least 48 of the DC 52.

And I don’t know what the hell is up with Guy Fieri and BOOBS, BABES AND MURDER down in the corner, but I hope they weren’t gay babes, and I hope it wasn’t gay murder.

[h/t Sportress of Blogitude]

Remember back in August when Anderson Silva appeared in a Burger King commercial, lauding the simplicity of having his dick in a cheeseburger? Apparently “Anderson Silva is weird about sex” is his best idea for a commercial, because Ford Brazil has given us that clip’s spiritual successor — hopefully only part two in a trilogy of increasingly-confusing sexual assaults.

Anyway, the plot (copied and pasted from the IMDB entry): A car-shopping man can’t remember enough information about the cars he’s buying and must pretend he’s under pressure to do so. At first he imagines he’s going to get beaten up by Silva unless he explains the Ford’s options (two year warranty, portable DVD, gas pass) and it works, but he gets trapped in the fantasy, and when he puts the moves on his girlfriend we jump back into dude’s head and see The Spider putting the moves on him, trying to force him into a threeway with the BK Stacker. Maybe he misinterpreted the term “gas pass”.

And you know, I think I’d honestly rather see him Dodge Ramming this guy than watch him do another Bieber-side Shuffle.

[h/t Cage Potato]