Sports On TV: Archer’s 15 Greatest Sports Moments

Written by Brandon Stroud / 05.02.13


Lana. LANA!

Sports On TV is in the Danger Zone.

Our look at the best sports moments from shows that aren’t necessarily about sports takes on FX’s ‘Archer’ this week, and if there’s a show the kids at UPROXX love more than ‘Archer,’ I’d like to see it. Inside, you’ll find one of the most clever, obscure, expertly-written shows on television. You’ll also find lacrosse jokes about rock bands from the 1990s, a guy trying to play baseball in space, Ultimate Bum Shock Fights (which are exactly what they sound like), Siamese fighting fish, and more.

So please click through and-or enjoy Sports On TV: ‘Archer’s’ 15 greatest sports moments.

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And Just Like That, ‘HoboJacket’ Was Gone

Written by Ashley Burns / 11.29.12

Everyone take a seat. We’re going to stray from our typical topics of dick jokes and boob praise in order to have a serious conversation about social injustices. Homeless people exist, my friends. No matter how much we try to look at the ground or pretend that we’re looking at a really interesting thing in the sky when we pass them, homeless people are real and they need to be treated with respect as human beings. Even the homeless dudes who sell drugs outside my local library or the ones inside that library watching porn – they all deserve their dignity.

That’s why ideas like the now defunct “HoboJacket” are supposedly bad for humanity. What exactly is HoboJacket? The philanthropy’s founder, MIT student Jin Pan, explains that it is “a competitive platform where you can donate your rival college’s jackets and shirts to the unfortunate because it’s terribly unfortunate that people actually went to that other college.”

For example, I hate Marshall, so I would donate some Herd gear and $10 to HoboJacket and it would serve two purposes: 1) A person who needs warm clothing would get just that; and 2) People would see a homeless person wearing a Marshall jacket. Basically, because homeless people are all dirty with their big beards, crazy eyes and B.O., this would be embarrassing for Marshall fans.

Now, imagine how this idea has gone over with social activists. Go ahead and check the HoboJacket website for yourself. Yeah, it’s gone over about as well as a fart in a spacesuit.

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The Oklahoma City Thunder Traded Their Free Time To People In Need

Written by Ashley Burns / 11.21.12

I don’t know what it is about NBA players that makes them so much more fun to criticize and make fun of than other pro sports stars. Maybe it’s the holier than thou mentality or the rock star “swag” and godlike baller image, but people just tend to either love or hate NBA stars more than other athletes, and that’s typically fine because they seem to like it. And even though a lot of the league’s stars are as transparent as invisible glass, we’re still pretty big suckers for when they break character and the villain becomes the good guy or the good guy becomes the great guy by helping a good cause.

Before heading to Los Angeles for tonight’s game against the Clippers, the Oklahoma City Thunder, which you could argue is a team of good guys and Kendrick Perkins, hit up the City Rescue Mission in downtown OKC to serve food to more than 400 homeless people on Monday. Even if you absolutely loathe the Thunder, you have to admit that this was rather swell of them.

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Bum Vs. Tourist Streetfight: Who Ya Got?

Written by Brandon Stroud / 08.28.12

Or better yet, instead of choosing between bum vs. tourist, let’s have them team up and beat the hell out of whoever still films videos longways. (via The Daily What)

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Links

bum_vs_touristBreaking Badass Power Rankings: ‘Say My Name’ |Warming Glow|

RoboCop Remake: Jose Padilha Says Working With MGM Is Hell |Film Drunk|

If You See Tom Hanks In A Restaurant, Steal His Glasses And Pretend To Be Drunk |UPROXX|

Peter King Has Noticed An All-Time High In Preciousness |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

A Golden Treasury Of Cheesy Late-80s/Early-90s WWF Promo Photos |With Leather|

10 Pokémon You Should Never, Ever Use |Smoking Section|

The Best Of #Omar Little |UPROXX|

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Clayton Kershaw Looks Different

Written by Ashley Burns / 06.29.12

The gentleman above in the automobile is screeching barn owl British comedian Russell Brand, who, by all accounts, does not use drugs anymore. So I don’t really know what’s in that little baggy that this Los Angeles Dodgers fan is handing him in front of a person with a camera, but it made Brand happy enough to hug the guy, which is odd, because I don’t really make it a habit to hug random people on the street who are asking for money.

And that’s what this guy in the brand new Clayton Kershaw jersey is doing, because before he gave Brand that sweet bag of homemade sugar, he was holding a sign that reads: “Afghan war vet, need your help, thank you”. I’m not trying to say the guy’s a liar, because I have the ultimate respect for our armed servicemen, but I gotta think there’s something fishy about a guy begging for money in a $100 jersey and a fat silver chain.

But maybe he could reach out to Kershaw and offer to sell him some of his homemade sugar. I’ll bet a bigtime athlete like Kershaw would love to help his No. 1 fan.

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Florida’s Politicians Are Finally Listening

Written by Ashley Burns / 01.26.12

Every time a professional sports team calls upon a city or state for tax money to help fund a new stadium, we get the same old song and dance – why should the taxpayer money help billionaires pay for new facilities that will just make them more money? And then other people fire back that the cities and counties should have to kick in cash because the venues help the economies by boosting sales for bars and restaurants, as well as hotels and strip clubs. It’s the circle of life or something like that.

Now Florida state Sen. Michael Bennett is putting his foot down (after the fact) over the $300 million in taxpayer cash that Florida has paid to help the Miami Marlins build their new stadium, despite being outdrawn in attendance by most college baseball teams. Bennett has argued that stadiums and arenas don’t do anything for the economies as they’re promised and the poor just get poorer, so it’s time to make the billionaires do their parts.

A bill to force taxpayer-funded sports stadiums to double as homeless shelters is making its way through the Florida legislature this week. The bill, introduced by Republican state Sen. Michael Bennett of Florida, seeks the enforcement of a dormant 1988 law that said sports teams that accept public dollars to build their venues must shelter indigent people on off nights.

If teams can’t prove that they’re already complying with the law, Bennett wants them to repay the more than $300 million that Floridians have forked over for facilities such as the Miami Dolphins’ Sun Life Stadium and the Miami Marlins’ new baseball stadium. (Via the Huffington Post)

Check out the big balls on Bennett. Too bad there’s probably no way that this passes, despite the fact that it’s already a law that nobody enforces. As a Florida resident of 31 years, I can say with confidence that rich people will always get what they want. However, that’s why this state is lucky to have my brain at its disposal.

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