I had a dream a few nights ago that I was riding around with ESPN’s Colin Cowherd on Segways. Every few blocks we’d see a homeless person on the sidewalk and Colin and I would do something cruel to the guy, like pretend to run off with his shoes or scald him with hot coffee. And then we’d high-five and segway around until we found some more coffee. We did this for like an hour and then this cop pulled us over. It was a lady cop, and maybe that’s not the proper jargon, but just bear with me.
So she’s wagging her nightstick at us, saying condescending cop stuff like “You boys better be careful,” and that’s when one of the homeless people transformed into a rhinoceros and trampled her. And then the rhinoceros looked at us and we looked at it. And then the rhino asked us for change.
All I had was credit cards.
I guess the moral of the story is that the homeless aren’t really people, but they’re actually rhinoceroses in disguise, just waiting for the right moment to trample somebody. Think about that the next time you see one of them peeing at a bus stop. Thanks, Gimp
The photo here is from the elevator shaft of an abandoned warehouse in Detroit. And yes, that’s an actual dead man encased in 2-3 feet of ice. It was discovered when “urban explorers” were playing ice hockey in the basement. Get ready for the most macabre and depressing story of urban decay you’ll read this week.
[The man who found the body] is an urban explorer who gets thrills rummaging through and photographing the ruins of Detroit. It turns out that this explorer last week was playing hockey with a group of other explorers on the frozen waters that had collected in the basement of the building. None of the men called the police, the explorer said. They, in fact, continued their hockey game.
Well, it’s not like stopping the hockey game is gonna bring him back to life now, is it? What’s the rush? I don’t want to sound callous, but it’s not like he’s at the top of the triage list.
It’s not enough for Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo to date a pin-up pop princess, attend high school pep rallies, and stop to change stranded motorists’ tires late at night. He’s so kind and selfless that he’s now taking homeless men to the movies. What an asshole.
The man, who goes by Doc, was outside a theater in in Dallas when [Romo] came up and offered to pay his way to see a movie…
Romo and Doc ended up sitting together watching the movie “Role Model.” [sic] Doc told the newspaper that he informed Romo that he hadn’t showered in days.
“Don’t worry about that,” Romo said, according to the newspaper. “I’m used to locker rooms.”
The man then said he hadn’t had sex in years. “Don’t worry about,” Romo said, according to my imagination. “I’m used to degrading myself for others’ pleasure.”
Presumably to get homeless people to do other things besides performing sex acts for drugs, making creative signage to solicit change, getting shot by marauding psychopaths and dying of starvation and AIDS, some do-gooders are getting them together, confiscating their hobo knives and making them play soccer. Jeebus, I thought you were trying to help these people.
A team of six homeless men and their coach are heading to Washington, DC next week to attend a national soccer tournament. The "Entourage" will be the first soccer team to represent Texas in the Homeless USA Cup.
Volunteer coach Sabelyn Pussman says the team is made of of men ranging in age from 49 to 17 years old. She says only one of her players had ever played soccer before joining the team, however, she says, "they've gotten substantially better" on the field and off.
Pussman says George Washington University will be hosting the national tournament and providing a place for the 12 teams from around the country to stay.
Makes sense that if you're going to put up a bunch of vagrants at the most expensive college in the country, you should stick them with an appropriately douchey nickname in an effort to fit in. Trustifarians will immediately gravitate to their new brahs, strike up a conversation about the new series of the HBO show, get shived and die in front of Smith Point. The rich brats are dead and the homeless people have money for booze. Gosh, maybe these organizations do make a difference.
Vancouver's quadriplegic mayor, Sam Sullivan, faces a tough road before the city hosts the Winter Olympics in 2010. Aside from the usual construction and beautifying projects, Vancouver also has one of the worst slums in the world for an affluent city. In the Downtown Eastside neighborhood, approximately 5000 drug addicts live in a 16-block area. And Vancouver's new police chief has an idea for cleaning up the problem: deport them.
Chief Const. Jim Chu said the Vancouver police department is considering what he called a "home-for-the-holidays" program that partly uses donated travel miles from local businesses as a way to slash the escalating property-crime rate.
Yep, that's right: Chu wants to buy homeless junkies a one-way ticket out of town. All in all, it's a pretty fair proposal, at least compared to the Beijing Olympics. When asked to comment on the proposal, a homeless Chinese man said, "Help, I'm buried in a shallow mass grave!"
I'm not sure if ESPN covered this event last weekend, but my friend Dogtown Surfer spent part of his Sunday used the power of malt liquor and cash rewards to make homeless people run around for his amusement. He called it the Hobo 500:
I thought to myself: why not have them race their carriages around the parking lot down at the pier? It would be good exercise for them and given enough alcohol it should almost certainly be entertaining if not dangerous…..hell yes, let's do it. [...]
As they get ready to make the turn Kenny has pulled out to a substantial lead with 2nd and 3rd place still running side by side. Notice the tourists wondering what the fuck is going on with these 3 homeless guys running full bore at them, each pushing a baby carriage full of rags, beer cans and dirty sleeping bags.
The entire story is chock-full of hobo pictures and highly recommended. Naturally, I applaud Dogtown Surfer's initiative to make the homeless be of some kind of use, and if you need any ideas for next time… two words: blood sport. Think of it like dog fighting, but more beneficial to society.
