It’s not really fair to say that a Minor League Baseball team with a performing, five-member mascot band and a hot dog vendor who is half ostrich has “lost” their mind, but it’s safe to say the Reading Phillies have been consistently out of it for years and the Baseballtown All-Star Home Run Derby is the next harrowing step of their descent into madness. Picture of me at a school desk in R-Phils Mascot Band bassist Bucky the Beaver’s home unrelated.

Anyway, Reading is either trying to make the concept of a home run derby as chaotic and dangerous as possible or throwing in with Mutant League Sports, you decide: they’ve put a dunk tank, a crane, a trampoline and a “gaff ball picker-upper” in the outfield affixed with any number of unfortunately-placed interns that will earn you “hundreds and hundreds of points” if you hit them. Believe it or not, a teenager hanging from a crane with a baseball glove trying to catch fly balls isn’t the worst idea: 500 fans are going to be IN THE INFIELD having a VIP party with food and drinks and crafts and what-the-hell-ever-else while the Eastern League All-Stars hit home runs over them. There’s a net, you see. A net I’m sure will keep pop-ups from reigning down on the head of some dude elbows deep in ribs, or onto any of the various fire-related or electrical equipment they’ve got set up.

And THAT’s not even the worst idea: Grammy award-winning jazz guitarist David Cullen will be sitting in front of home plate, playing guitar as guys hit home runs over him. Nothing says “sports fun” like a guy getting brain damage while trying to pluck his way through f**king Woodsongs, I guess.

If you’re in Reading on the 10th of July, go to this and send me a report. Try not to die from a fly ball to the dome between point A and point B.

[via Buzzfeed]

According to many people in the sports media and mostly Boston Red Sox fans, David “Big Papi” Ortiz is “back!” after having won last night’s 2010 MLB Home Run Derby. Ortiz hit 32 total home runs, but it was his impressive 11 in the final round against Hanley Ramirez’s dinky 5 that made Boston’s slugger the event’s champion. This, of course, is great news for the Red Sox offense, because Home Run Derby champions notoriously smack the tits off the ball in the second half of the season because opposing pitchers keep throwing batting practice pitches against them.

Dismissive wanking aside, there’s a metaphor wrapped inside of an analogy with Ortiz’s clobbering of Ramirez, and that is the American League’s complete dominance of the National League. The Senior Circuit has lost 12 of the last 13 All-Star Games to the AL, with that unlucky number 13 being the infamous Bud Selig tie game that has since led to the All-Star Game counting for home field advantage in the World Series. Don’t worry, Selig’s getting a statue in Milwaukee for his efforts.

Watch Big Papi talk about socking some dingers after the jump.

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MLB had their Home Run Derby last night, and unless you were one of the Boys and Girls Clubs getting a piece of that giant check on display at the end, it was absolutely pointless. Prince Fielder won an event with no real ebb and flow that was marred by too many guys getting batting-practice-quality pitches and taking them, sometimes several in a row.

It was irritating on several levels. Brandon Inge, who had no business being there, didn’t leave the yard once. and The rules didn’t make any sense, including the “five-swing” first-round tiebreaker. The players didn’t wear their caps, which is fine, because the league-specific caps were ugly. And the charitable promotions and energy drink product placements, each seemed to be more nauseating than the one before it.

But the biggest bust of the night was ESPN’s Ball Track, or as I called it last night, SpermBall. If you didn’t see it, it was a direct ripoff of FOX’s “glow puck” from the 1990s. It was one of those silly colorful CG things that hadn’t been totally debugged and, worse, added nothing to the telecast, which was beyond salvation. The silver lining of it all is that the All-Star Game is tonight, and it couldn’t possibly be worse than a Home Run Derby game that will need a serious overhaul before next summer.

The Rangers' Great Druggy Hambino Josh Hamilton stole the show even if he didn't win it last night during the Home Run Derby, launching a record 28 [homespun term for home run]s in the opening round though ultimately coming up short in the finals against Justin Morneau. In addition to being besieged by reminders of how truly intimidating it must be to bat in the mystique of Yankee Stadium (Oh my gawd! Lights! People! Professional baseball players aren't used to this!) viewers got a heavy dose of the it's-heartening-because-he's-a-white-guy back story of former heroin addict turned burgeoning star Josh Hamilton. We get it, addiction overcome. The guy was a former no. 1 pick who fucked up and righted the ship. Maybe have him string together a few years of productivity before lionizing him completely.

Hambino put on one of the best shows ever in a Home Run Derby in the opening round, but to hear Rick Reilly drone on with cornball lines like "It's a lousy night to be an athiest!" made it more than a bit difficult to really enjoy.

Also ruining things, per the usual: Yankees fans. Being insufferable dipshits, they wrestled for balls in the stands, started "asshole" chants and lustily booed Evan Longoria and Chase Utley. Lucky for viewers, Chase wasn't letting that go unanswered, as you can see after the jump.