I really need to stop giving away the entire post in the headline, but…yeah. So Jeremy Piven, he of PCU and “Entourage” fame, had some thoughts on Sunday’s Super Bowl matchup in north Texas Sunday. Instead of seeing the Steelers and the Packers, Piven was pulling for a Jets-Bears matchup in the big game.

“Jets-Bears would have been the greatest Super Bowl. Now it’s Rapist-Berger and the Cheeseheads. The Cheesy Rape Burger. Did you just videotape that?

–TMZ.

Come on, Jeremy. It’s Rapelisberger. We also would have accepted Roethlisrapist, Rapelisrapist, or Throwin’ Polanski. It’s as if Piven never forced himself on a 20-year-old in a rural Georgia bathroom. I believe it was Jesus who said “Let he who is without a chubby for newly matured ass cast the first stone.” Or maybe it was the apostle Paul. Some Jews just know their way around a rape charge.

I don’t know much about cricket, except that they use a flat bat and that little Jenga thing where the catcher should be, but I know a prominent Aussie actor getting hit in the nuts when I see it. Yes, this is the probably-not-gay Hugh Jackman, international star of stage and screen, getting his doorbell rung in what looks like a little BP. More like “little pee pee.” Oh man, that’s the funniest thing I’ll write all week.

But seriously, just look at the stage presence. Does Jackman go down in a heap? No. Does he cry for his mommy? No. He gets back in there and takes his cuts. What fantastic human storytelling. What a great lesson in life. Hugh Jackman, we salute you and your manly balls, and may God save the Queen. And by “the Queen,” I mean that interior decorator that you visit at the clubs all the time.

Ryan Phillippe is doing the whole media tour thing for MacGruber, which is getting scary-good reviews. I thought all terrible SNL skits could only be turned into terrible movies. So Phillippe wound up throwing out the first pitch for the Phillies in a recent game, and he…wasn’t really that great. But was he worse than this baby Tyrannosaurus Rex, who “threw” out a first ball of his own at a Triple-A game not too long ago?

Granted, the baby T-Rex doesn’t have a mouth, but that’s no excuse. Get that damn thing over the plate. And why am I seeing some teams having two ceremonial first pitches? I’ve said this before: the second ceremonial first pitch, by definition, is no longer a first pitch. That’s mindless Catholic schoolgirl virgin logic. Snap out of it.

Sorry, we were talking about Pitches here, with a P. See them both after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

They’re putting the finishing touches onto Chris Berman’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame right now. Yeah, dude got a star. Apparently being balding, fat and unfunny is a commodity now (great news for me!).

So, just steps from the iconic corner of Hollywood and Vine, a few steps out from the Dillion’s Irish Pub and Grill, around the corner from the famous Capitol Records building, just West of the Pantages theatre and a little east of the Hollywood Cabaret (“Girls … Girls … Girls”!), the ironic ESPN anchor will be anchored in fame during a ceremony scheduled for Monday morning.

Tom Hoffarth of Inside SoCal also points out the nearest leather shop in the area. Well played, Tom. And really, I think I’m cool with Berman getting a star. It’s the perfect way to be recognized as somebody whose days of entertaining people are clearly behind him.

This undated photo just hit my radar, so it’s new to me. It’s Tobey Maguire watching Natalie Portman walk down a flight of stairs at, presumably, a baseball game last year’s US Open. [If I had known it was that old, I would have saved it for a link dump. But like I said. New to me.]

But Natalie has a hot dog in her mouth and Tobey looks like he’s about to do that one sexual gesture where one hand is the “A-OK” sign and the other hand is slipping the finger in and out of the hole. Very subtle, Tobes. I wouldn’t have thought you were so emo if you did that a little bit more often.

Yeah, maybe that’s not a hot dog in Natalie’s hand, but I don’t care. JUST LET ME HAVE MY MOMENT! –YMFY. Read the rest of this entry »

Lost in the shuffle of all the NCAA hoops hoopla was Mark Jackson’s heroic effort of making somebody else look bad last night. And that somebody was the very enormous, Oscar-nominated actor Michael Clarke Duncan.

Jackson …picked up on the trend of airing out cheap celebs during Wednesday’s Bucks-Clippers game. I’ll assume that Michael Clarke Duncan doesn’t tip because Jackson says he walked out on an entire bill. Duncan was sitting courtside and didn’t sound happy with Jackson’s comments. –You Been Blinded.

Jackson says that the manager of the restaurant approached him and asked if he knew Duncan, and if he would call him. Jackson replied, “We’re good friends,” which is amazing, since that’s as embarrassing a thing as you could say about somebody. And from the looks of his seats, Duncan doesn’t seem to be hurting for money. Read the rest of this entry »