SPORTSbyBROOKS has an EXLCUSIVE! today in which they EXCLUSIVEly tell you that they have learned EXCLUSIVEly that the Eagles will perform during halftime at Super Bowl XLII this coming February.

An announcement was not imminent, but a source said the likelihood of a deal being struck between the band and the league is "90%".  The NFL's initial choice as headline halftime performer was Garth Brooks, but negotiations with the country performer broke down. 

I don't understand.  I mean, I know the Eagles aren't going to play in the Super Bowl, but I don't see why they'd play the halftime show.  Does Donovan McNabb sing or something?  Whatever, at least it's not Garth Brooks.  The NFL must be totally "desperado" for an act.

(I went with bold, italics, and quotes 'cuz I hate it when puns are too subtle.)

Apparently Maroon 5 singer Adam Levine, AKA "that guy from that shitty band," dated Maria Sharapova at some time, which is news to me because in my mind hot famous rich chicks would only ever settle for me.  And he claims he broke up with her because she sucks in bed.

"She wouldn't make any noise during sex," Levine said. "I can't tell you how disappointed I was. I really thought, like a lot of guys, that she'd be the loud screaming type. But instead, she just lay there like a dead frog. She even got angry if I started to moan, said it 'ruined her concentration.' It was so disillusioning that I went on Paxil for a month afterwards. Really, it was much more of a shock than when I found out there's no such thing as the Easter Bunny."

What the fuck does he mean, there's no Easter Bunny?  Who the hell has been hiding my Easter eggs all these years?

Fortunately, I know for a fact that there IS an Easter Bunny because Adam Levine is obviously deluded.  Hmmm… Maria screams every time she hits a tennis ball but says nothing in bed?  Something about this story says "three-inch penis."  Besides, I can look at someone and know if they're telling the truth.  My secret: if it's a member of a shitty band for women with no taste, he's lying.  Hot chick?  Telling the truth.

[Zubaz Pants] 

Red Sox pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka will release a "compilation of his favorite tunes" called Music from the Mounds Mound. 

The album will include one original track, "Gyro Ball," which will feature former J.Geils harmonica player Magic Dick, former Extreme guitarist Nuno Bettencourt, and NESN announcers Don Orsillo and Jerry Remy. (Dice-K does not sing or perform on the album.) "I enjoy a wide variety of music, especially rock, hip – hop and R&B," Matsuzaka said in a statement. "I am excited to share my favorite inspirational songs with everyone in Red Sox Nation and beyond.

Wow, who would have thought that all of Dice-K's favorite songs would exclude Japanese music and appeal directly to Boston Red Sox fans?  What a crazy coincidence.  What's not a crazy coincidence is loving Extreme.  There's a hole in my heart that can only be filled by you.  Hole-hearted, hole-heaaaaaarteeeed. And now that song is in your head.  You're welcome.

I was looking and looking for some kind of story that would be interesting for my next post, but instead I decided to go with what I do best: an obliquely sports-related piece of tail.

The lady in question here is Julianna Zobrist, wife of Ben Zobrist (who?) of the Tampa Devil Rays (what?). I guess Ben plays shortstop for the Devil Rays, and I guess the Devil Rays are in Major League Baseball, although I've never heard of them before. 

According to Devil Rays Index and this article, Julianna's an aspiring artist in the field of Christian music. But before you use the term Christian "rock," be advised that her MySpace page is loaded with samples of her music, and it wouldn't be a bad knock-off of Imogen Heap were it not for her occasional mention of Jesus in the lyrics.

So, there you go: With Leather's Christian Music Athlete Wife of the Week. Somehow I think this will be a one-time award. Unless Amy Grant marries Dennis Rodman. What a minx! Tell me I'm not the only who got a boner to the "Every Heartbeat" video.

So, the one day that I take off early so I can go to a taping of Conan O'Brien, the most mind-blowing YouTube video ever made hits the Interwebs. Figures.

In case you missed it, this is Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo and Dennis Haskins AKA Mr. Belding singing Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" with some nouveau hair-metal band named Metal Skool. (And that, my sexy friends, is a sentence I could have never predicted I would someday write).

WARNING: This video might make your head explode. 

Source = WBRS Sports Blog via Deadspin 

When the Saints' Hollis Thomas first got suspended for steroid use and claimed the positive test was for his asthma medication, I actually came out in defense of Thomas, just because it's usually a safe bet that the NFL is acting like a bunch of red-tape-adoring bureaucrats. But Steroid Nation digs a little bit deeper and contends that Thomas tested positive for Clenbuterol, which was, indeed, developed for treating respiratory diseases. FOR HORSES.

And it looks like Thomas, depending on his suppliers, may be one lucky thoroughbred. Steroid Nation points out this FDA warning:

FDA has become aware of the deaths of several horses in the State of Louisiana associated with the use of a product labeled as “Clenbuterol HCL.”  Horse owners and veterinarians should be aware that there are no generic clenbuterol-containing products approved for animals.

And another report on deaths of Louisiana horses:

Two sources have verified that there have been an undetermined number of deaths in Louisiana since last week from an illegal clenbuterol product. One report was that six horses are known dead, and approximately 10 more have been severely affected by the illegal product. Reportedly deaths have occurred with only one dose.

So… yeah. Illegal, deadly horse steroids. Totally worth it to shore up the Saints' run defense. Hollis Thomas is so selfless that way. Kinda like me. I don't write all these posts on meth just because I like the drug… or do I?