Last week, ESPN finally gave the NHL some much-needed coverage, except that it wasn’t good coverage and it involved Stephen A. Smith pretending to be an expert on something that he knows nothing about. Basically, Screamin’ A wrongly compared the Chicago Blackhawks’ incredible points streak to the Miami Heat’s winning streak, which would be like me comparing Kate Upton’s breast size to Stacy Keibler’s legs, in that they’re both incredible and worthy of discussion but they have absolutely nothing to do with each other.

But whether ESPN was using SAS to further the network’s anti-NHL agenda or it was just a drive-by nut punch to a sport that desperately needs better ratings, it got us talking about hockey for at least a few minutes. I’ve long argued*, though, that the NHL needs to add some serious star power if it wants to re-emerge as one of America’s premier sports, and the league should be showcasing celebrity fans like Paulina Gretzky, Carrie Underwood, Elisha Cuthbert and Hillary Duff, among others, in order to bring more fans around.

And now we can add Katy Perry to that list since she’s suddenly a big Los Angeles Kings fan.

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Look at these two hockey bros. They’re everything that’s wrong with men today. They have a clear, open opportunity to beat each other’s faces into the cold, hard ice and they just spin around in circles like a couple of toothless dreidels. Their teammates should have just surrounded them and started snapping and hissing before they all broke out into song.

Whatever, this won’t ever happen in my new sport, Fight Ball. It’s like hockey but with no ice, sticks, pucks, clocks, referees, goals or gloves. It’s actually just two teams of five men fighting until only one person is left standing. That dude’s team wins. Oh, but then he gets fed to a shark. Anyway, tryouts are next week.

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You may remember hockey’s David Ling from his extensive career in the NHL, playing for the Maple Leafs, the Blue Jackets, the Stars, the Blackhawks, the Canadiens, the Flames … Jesus, how many teams did this guy play for? I keep expecting to type “Los Angeles Dodgers” in there somewhere.

Anyway, Ling has officially become my new favorite current EIHL player by pretending to waterski off the back of a zamboni. I could theorize on the reasons why, but I’m pretty sure the answer is just “YOLO.”

Please watch and adore this.

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A high school goalie scores on himself, salutes his coaches, flips everybody off and bails. It works even better out of context. (via Puck Daddy)

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UPROXX Video: A Five-Second Films Compilation Reminder That LOVE SUCKS |UPROXX|

15 Life Lessons Learned In Valentine’s Day Episodes |Warming Glow|

Kai the Hitchhiker got that surfboard and wetsuit he wanted |Film Drunk|

Michelle Jenneke Made A Swimsuit Video For Sports Illustrated |With Leather|

The Hobbit Hole Cat Litter Box Is Too Precious For Words |Gamma Squad|

10 Ice Cube Songs Everyone Should Know |Smoking Section|

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In a scene straight out of a wacky kids sports comedy, Montreal Canadiens goalie Carey Price took a warm-up shot to the junk and crumpled to the ice. I eagerly await the George C. Scott remake. (via OTBS)

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Links

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: UPROXX Is Teaming Up With 5-Second Films To Create UPROXX Video |UPROXX|

10 Of ‘Archer’s’ Most Visually Distinctive Homages To Movies |Warming Glow|

A Mexican dude dressed like Wolverine saved people from a burning tower |Film Drunk|

Kobayashi Ate An Entire Domino’s Pizza In 60 Seconds Because YOLO |With Leather|

Funny, Sexy, And Awesome Cosplay Of The Week |Gamma Squad|

Three 2013 Music Festivals That Don’t Suck Like Coachella |Smoking Section|

LOLNFL: Super Bowl XLVII Stuff |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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I really enjoyed watching this commercial for a Michigan-area high school hockey game between schools Clarkston and Lake Orion, but I can’t settle on a reason why. What I have so far includes:

1. As a Washington Capitals fan, the NHL is basically the saddest thing to me ever right now, and I have to remember that I like the sport whether or not it’s crushing my will to live.

2. Watching children get hurt is always fun, especially if they’re high schoolers.

3. You could set anything to ‘The Hockey Song’ by Stompin’ Tom and it’d be enjoyable.

But yeah, I live in central Texas and even I’m considering trying to make it up for this. If you live in Michigan, hit it up and demand the same amount of entertainment as presented in the commercial. If kids aren’t being attacked by hockey guys and blasted in the head with soda cans, it’s just a hop, skip and a jump to total satisfaction.

[via IASID]