No website with a HOCKEY FIGHTS tag has the right to get indignant about another country’s hockey fights, but Lord, when your first game ends with two teams banding together to battle riot police you’re doing it wrong.
Here’s the translation of what went down, from the video’s description:
Held in Erzurum in Turkey by the Ice Hockey Federation Men’s Premier League matches first encounter is clouded with blood. Approximately 5 minutes each kick, punch, and their family bucket athletes hitting the police could not intervene. Two athletes were injured in the riot.
They didn’t even get to use Akay … I gotta say it was a good day.
In all seriousness, though, I don’t want to ever have to use “clouded with blood” to describe something I’ve done. Remind me never to join the Kocaeli Metropolitan Municipality or Ezurum Youth Sports Clubs.
If you need more information, this is a Montreal-area theatre troupe reenacting important scenes from American History X during Monday night’s Canadiens/Bruins game at the Bell Centre in Montreal, using Bruins fans in place of black people. It starts off like any YouTube fight video you’ve seen — two jerks ganging up to kick-punch a guy with no shirt, a white guy who doesn’t know how to distribute his body weight throwing all-arm punches — and escalates into a chaotic mass of security guards and flailing hoodies, all in the name of pro hockey loyalty. The fight continues in the comments section of YouTube, where “drunk fans acting stupid to each other” has turned into a full-scale, passive-aggressive America Versus Canada.
Maybe the person who stood in the background making cow noises had the right idea. Stay out of it.
Caps rookie Jay Beagle went looking for a fight with Arron Asham, one of the toughest middleweights for the past decade. It started out well, Beagle controlled range, threw long distance rights, but the feeling of things going well soon evaporated. Asham righted himself, regained his balance and composure and returned fire.
Where it goes then is swift, brutal and decisive.
Best: Every Hockey Fight Needs WWE Hand Gestures
It’s not sportsmanlike to play to the crowd and taunt your opponent after a fight in sports (to the point that Asham has already apologized for it), but when a rookie starts throwing hands and you drop him with two punches I think you should be required to stand over him and make hand gestures at his rag-doll-physics corpse until he never tries it again.
Asham’s “goodnight” gesture is the same one used by WWE’s CM Punk before his finishing move, a fireman’s carry into a knee to the face called “Go To Sleep”. As both a pro wrestling and pro hockey fan, I also would’ve accepted crotch-chopping, The Big Show’s roaring palm raise or the entire Val Venis pre-match routine.
Worst: The Caps Can’t Afford To Lose Any More Brains
With multiple years of playoff futility under their belts and sites like Puck Daddy openly wondering whether or not Alex Ovechkin has peaked offensively, the Washington Capitals should probably start picking their battles on the ice and trying to keep the insides of their heads intact. Washington won the game (3-2 in overtime), but most sites covering this don’t even bother to mention that — the only thing people will walk away from this game remembering is how Beagle hit the ice like he was dying in Half-Life.
I’m starting to think these lacrosse fights are worked.
What you’re witnessing (if you clicked that link, and are reading this while it’s happening) is a life-clearing brawl between the Allegany Arrows and Tonawanda Braves of the North American Minor Lacrosse Association, a league which hosts youth outdoor lacrosse games with box lacrosse rules. Everything starts off normally, with a bad call (I guess) from the ref, and lots of “c’mawn ref!” and “watch yer language” shouts from the (I’m guessing) parents in the crowd. The video doesn’t provide a lot of context for what happens next, but a ROXETTE RAP SONG kicks in and these guys just start going at it hockey style, goalie versus goalie and everything. I love that somebody went home and edited in a track by “Loaded Weapons” to hype a youth rumble. Who does that? And more importantly, who samples Roxette? Did you already use all the beats on Richard Marx “Repeat Offender”?
After everyone’s gotten in a shot or eight, the fight stops and everybody starts high-fiving. It was either that, or somebody getting tossed into the cage wall. The next time you hear someone say “outdoor box lacrosse,” assume they’re breaking the first and second rules of Fight Club.
Former NHL journeyman left winger Donald Brashear has made a great career decision as he approaches his 40th birthday — he’s getting into mixed martial arts. USA Today is reporting that the currently semi-pro hockey star has signed a contract with promoter Ringside MMA for a minimum of one fight, with possibly as many as three fights set to take place, including a rumored bout on the Ringside 11 car at the Quebec Coliseum on June 4th.
The 6-foot-3, 237-pound Brashear played for the Canadiens, Canucks, Flyers, Capitals and Rangers throughout his NHL career, and is mostly famous for that one time when he pissed off the Boston Bruins so badly that Marty McSorely slashed him in the back of the head with his stick. He’s also semi-famous for a 2000 assault charge wherein he roughing a guy up at the gym for complaining about a baby crawling on the exercise machines. This combination of brain concussion and irrational anger makes Brashear a perfect candidate for MMA.
I guess the major challenge is going to be learning how to fight without pulling on somebody’s sweater. Maybe he’ll innovate the sport and figure out how to pull someone’s sponsored jam shorts up over their head.
When you start this clip, everything seems to be going fine. A Progressive Field-sized crowd has gathered to watch some amateur hockey. Now, jump to the :30 second mark and be prepared to see the most Slap Shot and/or Happy Gilmore thing you have ever seen in real life. Tired of hockey fights where guys slip around and hold each other by the shirt? This is for you.
The YouTube video itself provides very little context, with the title “Geste stupide au hockey” or “stupid gesture with hockey.” It should be called “Geste impressionnant au hockey,” because a guy whipping out a Blazing Sword and slicing his opponent in half to defend the universe (in this case, a local skating rink) is pretty awesome. Really the only way it could’ve been better is if the recipient had his helmet crack down the middle and fall off, with intestines and bugs falling out of it like he’d been killed in Vampire Hunter D.
For bonus laughs, watch the video on YouTube and read the comments. You’ve never seen so many people call each other pussies in French.