After trailing by as many as 10 points to Team Brazil, the U.S. Men’s Olympic Basketball Team had plenty of people laughing at that whole Dream Team debate last night. But Kobe Bryant LeBron James and Co. got the last laugh, as they pulled off an 80-69 victory, sending the Brazilians home to their stupid beaches and ridiculously sexy women. Ha, losers.
So with the win in the books and basketball disaster averted, the nation’s focus on the actual big loser of the night – President Barack Obama, who was booed by the crowd at the Verizon Center in Washington, DC after he and the First Lady failed to smooch it up when the Kiss Cam was pointed at them early in the game. Only after another Kiss Cam attempt in the 4th quarter did Barry-O finally give his lady some sugar, but to many people, it was simply too late.
Look, I know that some people think the Kiss Cam needs to disappear, but I’m an advocate of this tradition that dates back to the 1700s. I’m also here to defend the Obamas, because as With Leather’s Official Presidential Sporting Event Attendance Authority, I know that they’re hardly the first First Couple to ever muff the Kiss Cam opportunity, as evidenced by this collection of awkward moments that I have put together.
Meme Watch: ‘What People Think I Do Versus What I Really Do’ Reminds Us That All Jobs Kinda Suck - What Jeremy Lin thinks I do. What Kate Upton thinks I do. What I actually do! All just black squares. [UPROXX]
Chris Brown Has A New Pickup Line Sure To Make All The Ladies Melt - I bet George Jones is really happy he didn’t beat his girlfriend when the Internet around. [UPROXX]
7 Potential First-Time Hosts that Could Enliven the Stagnant ‘Saturday Night Live’ - I think they could benefit from letting lesser known, high quality writer/comedians host the show instead of someone with a movie coming out, that way a little effort would happen. [Warming Glow]
Channing Tatum Wants Fans To Pick His Movies - Okay. A Tree Of Life reboot, three consecutive movies where he’s an army guy “just tryin’ to get home to his wife and daughter”, then permanent retirement. [Film Drunk]
Our 20 Favorite Pieces From Gallery 1988′s Video Games Art Show - I would pay hard-earned cash money to have that Excitebike piece hanging in my house. [Gamma Squad]
NBA Announces All-Star 2012 Dunk Contest Participants - The most revolutionary change to the dunk contest needs to be “you get one chance to dunk this, so try not to f**k it up”. [Smoking Section]
Hall of Fame Oddsmakers 2012: “Macho Man” Randy Savage - Tom Holzerman and I debate whether or not the Macho Man will get into WWE’s Hall Of Fame. Like everything WWE related, who the hell knows? [The Wrestling Blog]
13 Things About Your Childhood You Never Realized That Will Blow Your Mind - I don’t want to live in a world where people don’t know Shredder and Uncle Phil are the same person. [Buzzfeed]
This Dog Looks A Lot Like A Penis - your entire website looks like a penis [HuffPost Comedy]
This the World’s Most Expensive Starbucks Drink? - I was with this guy until he busted out a Chuck Norris joke. Regardless, as a blogger, sixteen espresso shots sounds normal and awesome. [The FW]
Which Cast Aged The Best? My Money’s On Those Kids From Bayside - Well it certainly wasn’t the cast of ‘Seaquest DSV’, I’ll give them that. [Pajiba]
History of Nintendo’s Controllers GIF - Is it weird that I wish Nintendo was still making Gamecube games? I want another Double Dash game using the same engine with like 400 more tracks :( [Unreality]
Tommy Chong Says Whitney Houston Should Have Stuck to Ganja - Tommy Chong should’ve stuck to not talking about Whitney Houston. [Brobible]
UFC Executive Vice President Lawrence Epstein posted an editorial piece in the Las Vegas Review-Journal in support of the Stop Online Piracy Act. It’s the kind of thing Vice Presidents Of Things do to share their side of the story (their side: “shut up, give us more money”), but usually they avoid making themselves sound like a taskforce of old man Sarahs Palin and skip the parts where they equate promoting MMA fights to “[fighting] real-world criminal activity”. Sometimes they type in Comic Sans MS, for extra lulz.
Replace “consumer” with “soul” and “websites” with “Satanists” and this thing could be a religious tract.
One of the worst things about this hidden problem is the American consumer is being snookered. These criminal sites look legitimate. Deceptive and sophisticated, rogue websites carry legitimate-looking logos and seals of approval. It’s often almost impossible to know what is real and what is fake … often until it is too late.
Well, it looks like the snookered have become the snookerers. Snookees? That can’t be right.
One thing you’d know if you were actually a part of today’s Internet climate and not shaking your fist at it from down the road is that major corporations who come out in support of anti-Internet freedom legislation often get snookerized in the swiftest, most Internet ways possible. Example: In retaliation to Epstein’s column (we’re assuming), the “Underground Nazi H4ck3rGr0up” sprang into action, snookering UFC.com by hacking it and replacing its content with an anime drawing of Adolf Hitler. Cage Potato captured what the site looked like for most of yesterday, and as of Monday morning UFC.com still sorta looks like you’ve accidentally typed UFC.corm.
Lesson learned, I guess: If you want to continue your life peacefully, never f**k with a guy who calls himself “JoshTheGod”.
UPROXX Discussion: The Best And Worst Rap Beefs Of All-Time - The best part is the link back to Danger Guerrero’s Tina Fey article where he gets all indignant about local convenience stores. Philadelphia is awesome, but not because of the places you get gas, dude. [UPROXX]
The Fifteen Greatest ’30 Rock’ Pop Culture References - Speaking of Tina Fey, I had a weird experience yesterday … I’ve been hearing everywhere how good season 5 of 30 Rock was, so I sat down to watch some of it on Netflix. That’s when I realized I’d already SEEN ALL of it and forgotten it in total. Welp! [Warming Glow]
On John Wall, The Wizards & The Case of Young Talent on Bad Teams - I may never be able to think of John Wall as a basketball player again, he’s just that guy who can’t throw a baseball. [Smoking Section]
WALL-ETHEUS Is Eager To Find Some Life Forms - The worst part about doing something creative in 2012: the Internet immediately eats it and sh*ts it out. [Gamma Squad]
The Dog from The Artist Has all the Right Moves - Now we just need to teach a wolf how to ride on the roof of a moving car. [Film Drunk]
Bronies Before Hoenies: Photos And Videos From The 2012 Winter BroNYCon - I understand what it feels like to love something uncool, but I don’t need a situation where I dress up as my favorite wrestler and go to a building where everyone else is dressed up like wrestlers, and I don’t need to blow anybody wearing a Gobbeldy Gooker costume. [UPROXX]
30 Of The Most Depressing Toddlers & Tiaras Animated Gifs On The Internet - These little girls are all going to be Courtney Stodden someday, obsessed with themselves and tweeting in alliteration. [Buzzfeed]
Flava Flav and Dee Snider Have a Crazy-Off on ‘Celebrity Wife Swap’ - Remembering people from my childhood would be awesome if they hadn’t gotten all Gollum’d out by fame. [The FW]
The 11 Crappiest Movies Of Michael Douglas’ Career -Disclosure will always be the worst to me. Demi Moore had a thing going where she’d do message movies and make them look like Cinemax. G.I. Jane, I’m looking in your direction. [Brobible]
The Muppets Invade Movies: A Gallery - In a better world, The Muppets would’ve been a colossal hit and Jim Henson would’ve risen from his grave with googly eyes to accept an Oscar. Oh well. [Unreality]
The Smell of Napalm in the Morning: The Supercut - Somebody needs to convert Apocalypse Now into 3D in post, and into smell-o-vision. [High Definite]
Last night’s 45th Annual Country Music Association Awards featured a lot of the usual suspects — Taylor Swift crying about winning an award she expected to win, a touching tribute to Texas Ranger La Boeuf and Darius Rucker turning “and the Blowfish” into a full-blown country music career — but the best parts were when sports guys showed up, because I haven’t gone lifestyle yet and can’t write about The Zac Brown Band on my sports blog.
In addition to using the phrase “Don’t Tread On Me” with zero irony or self-awareness, the song calls out ‘Fox & Friends’ for their “gotcha journalism” (because filming somebody saying something stupid is an underhanded tactic of the liberal media) and sorta indirectly suggests that the only way to keep your family safe is to own a bunch of guns and never watch ‘SportsCenter’. “Yeah, you can keep FOX and Friends and ESPN outta your homes, too” the song announces. “‘Cuz Bocephus and all his rowdy friends and his song is outta there!” I think at one point he stops saying words and just yells “derp” into the microphone, but that might be my brain shutting down.
And about those odds I presented at the end of Monday’s story, he checks off every single one of them before the end of the first verse:
I’ll keep my freedom I’ll keep my guns Try to keep my money And my religion too
ESPN’s Jonathan Coachman should record a left-wing parody of “Who Shot Ya” as a response. I’m willing to write it for him and everything. “Niggas know/the lyrical molesting is taking place/f**kin’ with ESPN/it ain’t safe”.