Olympic gold medalist Ryan Lochte is probably the lowest-hanging fruit on the pseudo-celebrity tree, but darn it all to heck if I just don’t love the guy to pieces. With the commercial for his new reality show on E! in full rotation, Lochte is making the last second media rounds to promote What Would Ryan Lochte Do? and that included a visit via satellite to Good Day Philadelphia.

I don’t even really know how to describe what’s going on in this clip, because it starts with anchor Sheinelle Jones sporting serious lady boner for Lochte and it continues with the other anchor, Mike Jerrick, rocking the same kind of a-hole, smarmy composure that I’d probably have if I had to interview a guy who trademarked the made up word “JEAH”.

The important thing to remember while watching this is that Lochte aspires to be a serious actor, and he apparently still couldn’t talk his way out of a Taco Bell drive-thru.

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I’ll give the brainiacs at MSG Network some credit. Not everything they did during last night’s Knicks game was a complete moronic disaster (foreshadowing). For instance, reporter Jill Martin caught up with Mike Tyson at halftime for the “Live at Celebrity Row” interview segment. Don’t even bother wondering how it went, because it’s Tyson and he’s amazingly, delightfully batsh*t crazy, so of course it was awesome.

Tyson addressed everything from his famous nibble on Evander Holyfield’s ear to his beloved pet pigeons, and he even tried to get Martin to pay him to sing. But merely describing the interview does it no justice, so check it out for yourself after the jump.

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David Bennett, head coach of the Coastal Carolina Chanticleers, believes that his players should be less like cats and more like dogs. Cats get confused about a one-way screen door because they’re too busy looking in the mirror, making sure they have the proper amount of sweatbands and making non-stop cat noises. Dogs, inversely, lie somewhere in another part of the house, barking. At least I think that’s what this insane asshole is trying to say, watch for yourself.

For a guy who hates cats, he sure is pretending to be a cat a lot.

This video comes to us from Sportress of Blogitude by way of Off The Bench, and I think it might be one of those things everyone should experience despite no one being able to provide context. It’s like listening to the last half of your crazy Uncle’s story without hearing the beginning. You know there’s a cat in the house, and you know there’s a dog, and there’s a guy named Mel, but he might also be a dog, because … I don’t know.

Anyway, here’s a video of the last Chanticleers game.

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Octagon Girl Brittney Palmer is a beautiful young woman, and just because her job is “walk while holding a sign and waving at you” adds the complexity of walking to the job of a homeless man wearing a sandwich board for a mattress warehouse doesn’t mean she should be judged or ridiculed. I mean that seriously. I don’t want you to read this article and think I’m judging her or her personality. I found myself doing that on Twitter once. I noticed how many followers Arianny Celeste had and asked, “What could she possibly have to say?” I was being a lookist and a bit of a misogynistic jagoff, and for that I apologize.

What I do want to do is share with you ten great, completely out of context quotes from Brittney’s interview with Cagewriter, reported today by Maggie Hendricks, a friend of Uproxx whose writing is still not anything like a woman’s vagina. I laughed the whole way through it and felt the need to share and let you draw your own conclusions. I’m not firing Joe Morgan or kissing Suzy Kolber, but here’s a nearly sentence-by-sentence breakdown. Keep in mind that the “best quotes” are nearly the entire article, so go read it in context when you’re done.

Quick synopsis: Brittney Palmer is more than just a pretty face.

1.

“I’ve always been very right-brained, and my mom always knew I’d do something creative. Right out of high school, I started dancing professionally in a burlesque show, and a magic show”

All kidding aside, “dancing at a magic show” is pretty creative. And there’s definitely a defined, almost Lewis Carroll-esque creativity involved in wearing nipple shields and chair-dancing around inside of an enormous martini glass. It’s like restrained sex’s equivalent for the Jabberwocky.

2.

“People stereotype MMA fans as a certain kind. I don’t think that they are. These people see my art, and they give input on it, and the fans are so smart. They just haven’t been introduced to art.”

“MMA fans are smart, they just don’t know things.” How do you make it into adulthood without being introduced to art? That seems like a conscious choice you have to make. If I had to wait for a beautiful woman in her underwear to introduce me to things I would’ve been functionally retarded until I was like 25.

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You might want to grab a handrail, as we’re about to drop our second straight baseball post…sort of. This is San Francisco Giants closer Brian Wilson, and magic happens every time somebody decides to interview him, and it’s usually a sort of Bondage-Sadomasochism. Hey, anything for the kids.

After the jump is an interview Wilson did with Chris Rose about two weeks months ago (Hey, it’s new to me), and the fun starts at the 0:40 mark. Rose’s reaction is almost as good as the actual event; it’s one of shock, horror and amusement, almost all happening at the same time. If you remember Wilson’s appearance on “Rome Is Burning,” you might recognize the individual in question as “The Machine.” And any more information from this point will just ruin it.

Everyone’s favorite fan-fighter, Ron Artest, took time out of his busy schedule of playing dodgeball and recording chart-topping singles to sit down for an interview with Ron Artest.

Ron Ron asks some pretty hard hitting questions like “which planet would you most like to go to?” Ron replies, “Pluto, because it’s the farthest and you could go ice skating on it.” Good job, scientists. Not only is Pluto a planet, which you said it wasn’t, but it also has water. Why don’t you redeem yourselves by getting Ron on the next space shuttle to Pluto? It’s the least you could do for wasting all of my tax dollars on going to the moon. It’s not even made out of green cheese or barbecue spare ribs. What a joke. Video after the jump.

ASYLUM POLL: Who is America’s favorite insane athlete?

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