I know what you’re thinking – “Burnsy, will you please stop banging my girlfriend and where’s your post about UCF winning the Conference USA championship and your Knights cracking the BCS Top 25 for the first time in program history?” And the answers are no, and there’s no need to point out the obvious about the CUSA championship when everyone clearly watched it on Saturday. Besides, I’m a man of the people and I know what people around here want – girls’ high school track.

Holland Reynolds helped guide her track team to a victory in true champion style last week, as she collapsed just feet from the finish line during a 3.1-mile race. Reynolds, a junior at University High School in San Francisco, was suffering from fatigue and cramps, as well as mild hypothermia, when she couldn’t take it anymore and hit the ground. But instead of letting the event staff assist her for medical treatment, Holland crawled across the finish line, assuring her team the state championship. And if Holland hasn’t earned badass status in your book yet, she did it all for her team’s coach, who is suffering from Lou Gehrig’s disease. What a dick, that Gehrig, getting everyone sick.

Video of Holland making hypothermia her bitch after the jump…

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As professional basketball player Dwyane Wade and his endorsements would tell us, “Fall down 7 times, get up 8.” Sure, some people say that’s a Japanese proverb, but no Japanese proverb has ever orchestrated the biggest free agency coup in NBA history, so suck it, Japan! Anywho, an inspirational high school track video has been making the rounds this week, and despite the footage allegedly being six years old, I think the message is something that should be timeless to us. Also, the girl looks like Faye Reagan, so that’s kind of cool.

In the video below the jump, we see a girl named Alexis competing in the hurdles and it’s not that easy for her, or any of the other competitors for that matter, but what we witness is perseverance. And sure, some people might be inclined to laugh at someone who falls down 42 times and barely gets up a 43rd time, and even possibly invoke this classic Kids in the Hall sketch, but I implore our readers and friends to see beyond the sophomoric humor value of this video and let it change your life.

Also, check out the even better version with new music also after the jump…

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What started as a celebration of teen spirit for one Massachusetts high school has turned into the biggest high school track and field promotional sweater scandal in the history of mankind. Boosters at Wakefield High School awarded the track team with sweatshirts representing Wakefield Track and Field, and the design was quite simple – WTF. While it’s not clear if the students planned this little act of ha-ha, I think it’s safe to assume that the kids planned it.

As always, parents eventually caught on – presumably after the evening news told them how Internet acronyms are killing their children – and now the kids aren’t allowed to wear their spirited sweatshirts, ultimately leading to their response – WTF? School officials say that the use of the phrase misrepresents the students, and they will go with the backup suggestion, “420-4EVR”.

Shake your ham fists in rage at those damn kids, UPI.com:

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I was going to write a post boasting about how the Florida Gators have lost three games in a row for the first time since 1988 and how only scoring 7 points against Mississippi State is such a UCF thing to do*, but then I was lambasted by some of my Gators friends via email and Facebook and I decided that I will let the lizards stew in their own sucky juices for a few more weeks until they inevitably wind up playing UCF in the Liberty Bowl in Memphis and pay me back for my dickish ways.

Anywho, in female high school athlete news, a girl on a track team was recently minding her own business, walking across a track when she was unexpectedly BAM! YOU GOT RUN THE F*CK OVER, SISTER!

Chick Gets Run Over Crossing Track – Watch more Funny Videos

*UCF only scored 6 points when they played MSU. Stupid Gators.

It’s hard to get outraged over these teacher-does-student stories anymore. First of all, it’s pretty ridiculous to consider a high-school kid a “victim” when he’s scoring ass while the rest of us are holding down jobs. And secondly, well, teachers need lovin’ too. Even if they do look like full-blown child molesters.

Police in Coquille [Oregon] have arrested the Coquille High School track coach on charges of sexually abusing at least one of her athletes.

Police Chief Mark Dannels said police acting on a citizen tip arrested 36-year-old Wendi Boutiette Saturday on charges of second-degree sexual abuse, contributing to the sexual delinquency of a minor and sexual misconduct.

Booty-ette is married with two kids, none of which were sufficiently bangable, I guess. Hey, cheer up, honey. There’s always Race For The Cure. The cure for your insatiable appetite for teenage boys. That’s no big deal, but those bangs are an absolute crime. Maybe if you went to a salon once in a while you could get dipped by someone your own age.

[KMTR]