I wonder if sometimes Major League Baseball scouts get tired of evaluating potential and dissecting physical minutia and just want to say “f**k it” and sign the biggest, fattest, hardest hitting guy they can find. Bad guys in baseball movies are always these big fat mustachioed mashers, so why do few exist in real baseball?

Thankfully the future of any Rookie of the Year remake is sound, because the Chicago Cubs took 18-year old Daniel Vogelbach in the second round of the MLB Draft. He’s listed as 5-foot-11 and 285 pounds, but a quick look at that picture tells you his weight should be listed as “fat kid who joins the team because he’s tough.” The Cubs probably discovered this guy in an alley somewhere, hitting homeruns with discarded tin cans.

Vogelbach (Dugout screen name: ImBringinVogelbach) hit a 17 homers and drove in 50 RsBI in only 32 high school games last season and has0 won a ton of awards, so maybe he’s the second coming of John Kruk. Only, you know, great at baseball. With Bryce Harper already shaping up to be baseball’s top heel, maybe Vogelbach can settle into the role of everyman, and take the sport back from these naturally gifted, physically fit guys.

[H/T Sportsbank]

61-year old Lakeland High School girls soccer coach Joseph Kovaleski has been arrested for repeatedly exposing his genitals and fondling himself in front of Burger King employees. Let’s see how gross this can get.

A restaurant employee contacted borough police several weeks ago with concerns about Mr. Kovaleski. She told police Mr. Kovaleski stopped there a few times a week around 7 a.m., pulled out his genitalia and would “continuously touch it” while seated at a booth and facing employees who were working behind the restaurant’s counter.

No word on whether or not “it” had grill lines.

Notes: If you coach high school gir’s soccer in a place called “Dickson City”, you should try not get in trouble for whipping out your dick, and the only time the phrase “he was playing with his junk at a Burger King” should be able to describe you is when you’ve gotten an especially sh**ty kid’s meal toy.

The employee called police at about 8:30 a.m. Sunday to report that he was in the restaurant touching himself. When approached by police, Mr. Kovaleski told them he does not wear underwear and because of that his genitals “could fall out.”

My question here is “fall out of what, exactly?” I’ve spent a large portion of my life wearing pants, and unless this guy’s cock is longer than his leg or possesses a mutant phasing ability, he should be able to keep it from “falling out” without the use of underwear. Also, this is the most “To Catch a Predator” “I was just coming over to talk to the 13-year old gay teen” excuse ever.

“He stated that Burger King isn’t a public place and that his genitals get itchy and he sometimes has to scratch them,” the affidavit said.

Hahaha wait, no, this is. Was he eating at a privatized Burger King? I think Coach Kovaleski’s excuse can be summed up as such: he was eating at the Burger King located inside of his house, and his business accidentally fell out. The Burger King has dirty floors, because I guess nobody knows where the Burger King exists and therefore cannot be employed to clean it, so his mess got messy and he needed to scratch it, because of the dust and irritation. As such, any people employed at this Super Secret Burger King might’ve seen him scratching his exposed, extremely long floor genitals and misconstrued it as an act of public masturbation. You know, when that is clearly not the case.

Additional notes: This confirms my teenage belief that anyone working a regular job at a public high school is a creep and should be investigated.

Additional additional note: lol, this f**king guy

[H/T Off the Bench]

This is Rocco Amendola, a senior at Norwin High School in North Huntingdon, PA, who looks a bit like Randy Quaid because he was hit in the face by an errant warmup throw and lost an eye. He was walking through the dugout one day last June when an outfielder overthrew a reserve. Amendola caught it with his eye socket. He broke a bunch of bones in his face and doctors removed his eyeball. They literally took his eyeball out of his head and told him he’d never play baseball again.

This season, he’s batting over .400.

“I had my doubts,” Norwin coach Mike Liebdzinski said. “I wouldn’t say I’m amazed, but I am surprised.”

Mr. Amendola, who bats seventh in the lineup, is hitting .429 with a double and one RBI. He has helped Norwin to a 5-0 record.

He’s left-handed, so his good eye (his “actual eye”) is his lead eye at the plate. After reteaching himself to bat from a tee, Amendola now has “no limitations,” as depth perception is I guess an overrated sabermetric concept. Amendola hopes to play ball in college, and even if his batting average drops a hundred points, he’ll still be better with one eye than Aubrey Huff with two.

You can read more about this kid’s amazing story in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, but I have to warn you that the article was either written up by a teenager with authority issues or Marcy from the Peanuts, because there is a lot of “mister” going around. Mr. Amendola took a swing. Then Mr. Amendola talked to Mr. Liebdzinski and then went to see Mr. Doctor. Come on, kid, you’re writing on the Internet now, show some disrespect.

As a fan of the St. Louis Blues, I don’t watch much hockey because I like to devote my time to happier things like kicking puppies and swallowing broken glass. But once in a Labatt’s Blue moon we stumble across an awesome hockey highlight that makes me feel bad about all of my Canada jokes. Then I watch anything Mike Myers or Jim Carrey have done in the past 10 years and I’m right back to making jokes about moose knuckle pucks.

But today is a happier day for hockey fans because we have a pretty cool hockey clip to share. Our crack team of researchers has determined that this clip is from a hockey game that took place sometime during the era of video recording devices and features two teams that have players and uniforms. What we do know is that this 17-year old hockey player just made the goalie into his prison girlfriend.

*He actually uses his opponent’s head, so the title is inaccurate, but… HEY! LOOK OVER THERE!

Video after the jump…

Read the rest of this entry »

You probably don’t remember those really terrible high school hurdlers from November, but they had a second shot at athletic glory on “Tosh.0″ earlier this week. It says a lot about this show that the two best jokes in the whole skit are a quip about a nickname of one of the girls and a sight gag at the end. And yet people are creaming themselves over this show. “Oh, man! It’s all the stuff from the internet, but on TV!”

I would totally get my own TV show if I wasn’t fat, bald and so disdainful of makeup.

As professional basketball player Dwyane Wade and his endorsements would tell us, “Fall down 7 times, get up 8.” Sure, some people say that’s a Japanese proverb, but no Japanese proverb has ever orchestrated the biggest free agency coup in NBA history, so suck it, Japan! Anywho, an inspirational high school track video has been making the rounds this week, and despite the footage allegedly being six years old, I think the message is something that should be timeless to us. Also, the girl looks like Faye Reagan, so that’s kind of cool.

In the video below the jump, we see a girl named Alexis competing in the hurdles and it’s not that easy for her, or any of the other competitors for that matter, but what we witness is perseverance. And sure, some people might be inclined to laugh at someone who falls down 42 times and barely gets up a 43rd time, and even possibly invoke this classic Kids in the Hall sketch, but I implore our readers and friends to see beyond the sophomoric humor value of this video and let it change your life.

Also, check out the even better version with new music also after the jump…

Read the rest of this entry »