What you need to know:

Golf cart mows down everyone in sight after a high school football game in Cowboys Stadium on December 17, 2011

What to look out for:

- A golf cart coming to life and trying to murder you a la Maximum Overdrive.

- 0:17-0:22 – A guy getting knocked ass over head and losing both of his shoes in the process.

- 0:20-0:26 – A guy getting knocked onto the cart, but being able to do nothing but helplessly touch the wheel for a few seconds before bailing out and rolling like the cart is about to explode or go sailing off the edge of a cliff.

- 0:19-0:29 – The only person in Texas fast enough and possessing enough mental prowess under pressure to sprint after a golf cart, climb into it and put his foot on the brake.

- 0:32-1:29 – Representatives of Texas high school football selling being bumped by a golf cart like they’ve been shot by a sniper.

- 0:00-0:16 – Is Trey Williams a real person, because he looks like a created guy in Madden.

[via Buzzfeed]

It seems like only yesterday the worst thing we had to worry about when it came to high school basketball was a couple kids racing to avoid the ookie cookie. Today, we unfortunately find ourselves taking a 50-year step in the wrong direction, as the entire girl’s basketball team at Kenmore East High School in Buffalo has been suspended over charges of racist behavior.

The team, which was comprised of 9 white girls and one black girl, had a very peculiar warm-up routine, in that they would join hands in a circle and chant, “1… 2… 3…” and the N-bomb. You know what I’m talking about.

“I said, ‘You’re not allowed to say that word because I don’t like that word,’” she told the newspaper. “They said, ‘You know we’re not racist, Tyra. It’s just a word, not a label.’ I was outnumbered.”

The 15-year-old eventually exploded after a practice when a teammate called her a ‘black piece of (expletive).’ She says she got into a fight with the girl later in school.

(Via New York Daily News)

Yeah, Tyra, you know they’re not racist. They just love to say one of the most notoriously evil words in modern history. It’s like when my intramural flag football team went coed and we asked the girls to learn plays instead of recipes. We meant well and they got mad for no reason at all.

The real joy of this story of ignorance and just flat out stupidity is knowing that Tyra later beat that one girl’s ass, so at least if this news about a bunch of white girls who are an embarrassment to humanity in general makes you as angry as it makes me, you can close your eyes and imagine Tyra snapping her fingers and then snapping a neck.

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Miami Dolphins cheerleader Lilly Robbins is always relevant.

This past Saturday, the first annual Louisiana High School Athletic Association Cheer and Dance Competition was held in Lake Charles, LA and I can only assume that the spirit fingers were in full effect. The first event drew an impressive 1,302 competitors, but almost a week later, it’s not the cheerleaders that we’re talking about. Nope, it was just one insanely intense cheer mom that stole the entire show and became an instant star.

The unnamed mom, who was at the competition cheering on her daughter from Archbishop Hannan High School, has done little to squash the stereotype that parents of young, competitive girls are insane, but I’m pretty glad that we have women like this in our lives. In fact, I think YouTube user “capita01” sums up my feelings best with this comment:

“i want her to step on my balls.”

Truer words have never been said. Video after the jump.

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Taking the Sports-o-sphere by storm today is this video from a Connecticut high school football game between Hillhouse and North Haven. Down 19-7 in the third, North Haven QB Jalon White decides that the best time to throw a desperation touchdown pass is while parallel to and about an inch from the ground. The ball goes straight up and out of view (like the basketball in a sitcom when Eddie Winslow or Betty White or whoever has to swoosh it from half court), then falls straight back down into the hands of wide receiver Joe Burr, who just sorta turns around and ambles into the endzone for the TD. North Haven came back to win the game 21-19, proving once again that puttin’ yerself out there and bein’ fearless is important, no matter how fundamentally terrifying what you’re doing is.

This was the season opener for both teams, and now they’ve got to pull something viral in every game. Hopefully not in the Michael Vick way.

The real star of the video has to be the commentary, which introduces “there’s no way!” and reiterates it until you’re brainwashed and seeing “yo” every time you close your eyes. OH! AIN’T NO WAY, AIN’T NO WAY YO. AIN’T NO WAY. And so on, yo. But can you blame him? He might’ve just seen the best, worst play in high school football history.

[h/t Sportress of Blogitude, et al.]

One of the things we love most here at the Uproxx Fortress of Porn Solitude is free porn a good meme. And when that meme combines with sports, well then we’re happier than a kitten with its head stuck in a can of Pringles. Unfortunately, this world is full of those stupid old people who don’t get jokes. What do we call them? Oh yeah, adults.

Kirtland High School laid a 49-7 spanking on Painesville Harvey in Ohio football action Friday night, and we would have never heard a word about it if it weren’t for those meddling kids and their no-good memes. After the game, a banner was displayed with the popular phrase “U Mad Bro?” as Painesville left the field. Nobody could possibly be mad about that, right?

Y U NO GET SARCASM???

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Texas is in the middle of a heatwave and drought that will take us through 40-plus days of 100-degree-plus weather. How hot is it? It’s so hot, farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them
from laying hard boiled eggs. I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walkin’. It’s so hot a Plano, Texas, assistant football coach collapsed and died after his school’s first football practice on Monday afternoon!

Wait, what? Oh. Oh my God, I’m so sorry.

According to the Associated Press and everyone in Texas with a video camera, Prestonwood Christian School coach Wade McLain was taken down by the severe temperatures on the 31st consecutive day of inhuman weather and died, leaving behind a wife and five children. I think the only way I can write about something like this and not become a hermit in my refrigerator is with stupid pictures of dogs and bad jokes, but as a resident of central Texas and someone who feels like he’s in Lawrence of Arabia going from his front door to his car I can’t imagine how this poor guy must have felt, and my sincere condolences go out to everyone involved.

Here’s report with a few more details on what went down, by way of Prep Rally.

“Tragedy” gets thrown around a lot for stuff like this, but damn, you’d hope things like this could be avoided. The report says McLain is now in the presence of Jesus, so hopefully he’ll tell him to bring us some g.d. rainfall.