Yesterday, during a story about an 8-year old kid with cancer running in a touchdown for East Carolina University, we called for the worldwide spread of the “sports teams being nice to kids” meme. Today, two Virginia high schools have kept the allergies flowing.

Via YouTube:

Fairfax High School and Madison High School honored senior student Drew Bonner on April 22, 2013. Drew gets the ceremonial first at-bat.

Drew is in a wheelchair, but he hasn’t let that stop him from being a four-year varsity team manager, a braggart about his days skunking kids in Little League and a soon-to-be student at the University of Virginia on an academic scholarship. He also didn’t let the pitcher intimidate him in his ceremonial first-at-bat, as you can see in the clip below.

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This is a clip of a teenager lifting 700 pounds.

I repeat, this teenager bench-pressed 700 pounds.

[Matt] Poursoltani lifted a ridiculous 700 pounds on Saturday — a feat not only impressive because it’s 700 pounds but also because Poursoltani is a high school senior at Pilot Point High in Texas, and because he has increased the amount he can lift by more than 100 pounds in just a year, according to the Dallas Morning News. Poursoltani weighs 270 pounds, making his lifting astounding compared to the NFL bench press record of 705 by 325-pound Larry Allen. (via NESN.com)

I’m not sure what else to add, besides the fact that the motherf**ker has to wear Hercules clothes to fit his weird, crazy-power monster body. I am in awe of this kid. Guy? It never specifies how old he is in the story, it just says he’s a high school senior, so maybe he’s just a really stupid 35-year old who is also Unbreakable. Regardless, holy crap.

When I was in high school, our basketball games and assemblies began with our principal delivering a dry speech about school spirit and sportsmanship, followed by our sub-par cheerleaders making vague “woo” gestures while a bunch of gangly jerks tried to dribble from the entrance to center-court without losing it or hurting themselves. In Florida, high school basketball games begin with TRAMPOLINE DUNKS OVER FIRE. Because Florida.

This clip (by way of Prep Rally, by way of MaxPreps) features Monsignor Edward Pace High School kicking off a consequence-free regular-season game by asking somebody to propel themselves through a pillar of flame. It’s the exact kind of thing that inspires and leads a team to … a 9-20 record?

Who knows? Maybe they spent their athletic budget on a trampoline and a flame thrower. Maybe their coach is just a crazy dude with a book of matches. That seems like the escalation of a joke, but nope, it’s Florida. If the team ran out after this engulfed in flame like in that one ‘Wax’ video I wouldn’t be surprised.

Photo credit: Antioch Police Department

On Wendesday, we shared with you the story of a Catholic high school baseball coach who pretended to be a lady on Facebook to get naked pictures of his players. Now, according to U.S. law, here is a thing that is basically the same: an Illinois high school special-education teacher got caught smoking pot under the bleachers during a sectional wrestling tournament.

Can we call that “Potfishing?”

As [Peter] Mulloy lit up his “one-hit” pipe, however, an off-duty police officer sitting in the stands smelled the strong scent of marijuana and went to investigate.

Beneath the spectators, the officer found Mulloy smoking weed and confronted him before calling police in Antioch, the Chicago Tribune reported. (via NY Daily News)

The 50-year old Mulloy (who clearly understood the best way to enjoy sectionals … ask anybody who’s seen an episode of ‘Glee’) was arrested and charged with “possession of cannabis and possession of drug equipment” and released on a massive $120 bail.

He goes back to court in March. Pete, if you’re googling your name with your head in your hands and come across this, I’d like to suggest the following excuse: “Your Honor, I was depressed about the International Olympic Committee removing amateur wrestling from the 2020 Olympic Games, and the beauty of this local Illinois wrestling tournament combined with the hopelessness of these kids’ sports futures gave me great anxiety. Also, I was using the one-hit pipe for tobacco, like Miley Cyrus and literally everyone else ever who has been caught with a pipe or bong.”

If that doesn’t work, enjoy your lifetime in prison, because we are super weird about drugs.

[h/t to Vince]

A high school goalie scores on himself, salutes his coaches, flips everybody off and bails. It works even better out of context. (via Puck Daddy)

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I really enjoyed watching this commercial for a Michigan-area high school hockey game between schools Clarkston and Lake Orion, but I can’t settle on a reason why. What I have so far includes:

1. As a Washington Capitals fan, the NHL is basically the saddest thing to me ever right now, and I have to remember that I like the sport whether or not it’s crushing my will to live.

2. Watching children get hurt is always fun, especially if they’re high schoolers.

3. You could set anything to ‘The Hockey Song’ by Stompin’ Tom and it’d be enjoyable.

But yeah, I live in central Texas and even I’m considering trying to make it up for this. If you live in Michigan, hit it up and demand the same amount of entertainment as presented in the commercial. If kids aren’t being attacked by hockey guys and blasted in the head with soda cans, it’s just a hop, skip and a jump to total satisfaction.

[via IASID]