One of the things we love most here at the Uproxx Fortress of Porn Solitude is free porn a good meme. And when that meme combines with sports, well then we’re happier than a kitten with its head stuck in a can of Pringles. Unfortunately, this world is full of those stupid old people who don’t get jokes. What do we call them? Oh yeah, adults.

Kirtland High School laid a 49-7 spanking on Painesville Harvey in Ohio football action Friday night, and we would have never heard a word about it if it weren’t for those meddling kids and their no-good memes. After the game, a banner was displayed with the popular phrase “U Mad Bro?” as Painesville left the field. Nobody could possibly be mad about that, right?

Y U NO GET SARCASM???

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Texas is in the middle of a heatwave and drought that will take us through 40-plus days of 100-degree-plus weather. How hot is it? It’s so hot, farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them
from laying hard boiled eggs. I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walkin’. It’s so hot a Plano, Texas, assistant football coach collapsed and died after his school’s first football practice on Monday afternoon!

Wait, what? Oh. Oh my God, I’m so sorry.

According to the Associated Press and everyone in Texas with a video camera, Prestonwood Christian School coach Wade McLain was taken down by the severe temperatures on the 31st consecutive day of inhuman weather and died, leaving behind a wife and five children. I think the only way I can write about something like this and not become a hermit in my refrigerator is with stupid pictures of dogs and bad jokes, but as a resident of central Texas and someone who feels like he’s in Lawrence of Arabia going from his front door to his car I can’t imagine how this poor guy must have felt, and my sincere condolences go out to everyone involved.

Here’s report with a few more details on what went down, by way of Prep Rally.

“Tragedy” gets thrown around a lot for stuff like this, but damn, you’d hope things like this could be avoided. The report says McLain is now in the presence of Jesus, so hopefully he’ll tell him to bring us some g.d. rainfall.

You may not follow the National Signing Day hype in college football, and that’s fine, but you’ve got to see this video. This is the highlight reel of South Carolina high school senior Jadeveon Clowney, and he’s so good that people are asking not whether his was the best in his class, but in any class ever. And when a 6-foot-6 dude plays defensive end, defensive tackle AND RUNNING BACK, it’s difficult to not lose control of one’s bowels if he’s still considering enrollment at one’s favorite school next fall.

And Clowney’s play has done quite a bit of talking during the last two years. As a junior, the rush end had 144 tackles and 23 sacks. He followed that with 162 tackles and 29.5 sacks during his senior campaign and easily emerged as the nation’s top prospect. Not only the top prospect of 2011, but one of the top prospects in years.

Clowney has narrowed his list to six schools. He has already taken an official visit to South Carolina and Alabama, and will take his official visit to Florida State this weekend. Clemson will get an official visit on the weekend of Jan. 28 and then either North Carolina or LSU will get his final official visit on the weekend of Feb. 4 or Feb. 11 before a final decision is made.

–Rivals.

Technically, National Signing Day is not the only day where high schools can sign letters of intent, but it is the first day where they may do so, and it looks clear that Clowney will take his sweet-assed time after February 2 to make up his mind. If only his decision-making process was as fast as he was…

Vid via ShareBro Trey. Thanks, Trey!

Two California high school girls were arrested at their school’s football game last Friday after they despicably, horrifically and deplorably took part in the heinous act of streaking. The two girls made their way down to the sideline and nonchalantly walked to the field before they took off running and shed their clothes. I can only imagine that the few hundred or thousand teenage boys and fathers in attendance looked away in disgusted disbelief and immediately dialed 911.

The girls made it through the stunned bands at halftime as the teenagers undoubtedly vomited and sprinted for the nearest church, before they were finally tackled by officers and arrested. The officers reportedly tried out a new search and seizure method as well, as they laid on top of the girls and whispered, “Yeah, give daddy what he wants you naughty girl.” Thankfully, these terrible female students are being dealt with properly, as they are now facing expulsion since their antics took place at a school-sponsored event. Finally, justice is served.

Perhaps the most impressive part of this story is that I typed it with one hand. Do you people want a video after the jump? Because there’s a streaking video after the jump.

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A few weeks back we brought you some footage of some Arkansas high school football announcers who were excited that there “ain’t no flags”, and that was a great joy that we all shared with everyone in the Natural State. But high school football is not always full of sister-kissing joy. Sometimes it can be sad and maddening, and today we have a great example of the rage that poor high school officiating can cause for some announcers.

While calling a game between the South Boston Patriots and the Worcester Patriots*, quarterback Sully O’Malley** throws what is clearly a “five yahd backwards pass”, making it a live ball, and the defender keenly grabs it and takes it to the end zone for a touchdown. But those fahkin’ refs can’t get anything right and they call it an incomplete pass, nullifying the score and ruining the lives of the two announcers. BOO! BOO YOU FREAKIN’ RETAHDS! YOU RUINED THE FAHKIN’ GAME!

Video after the jump, and there may be NSFW language but I can’t really understand half of what is being said, so exercise cahtion…

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The Announcing Crew For Sunday Night Football In 2011

Burnsy dropped off this video before he left the With Leather offices for the day; all we know about this video, we gathered from the title, “Arkansas High School Football Announcer Loses His Mind.” And that the kid who recovered the fumble and took it to the house was named Matthew Showalter. Oh, and I have it on good authority that there were no flags on the play. I’m not sure this guy was even in an announcing booth; from the sound of it, he could have been on the roof of his Ford pickup. It’s funny because only rednecks buy Fords now. Read the rest of this entry »