And now I can be! This is the Seabreacher X watercraft, and if I was a 9-year-old boy dying of cancer, this is what I would be asking Derek Jeter to buy for me.

This exciting new version is based on the dolphi- inspired Seabreacher J, but it has a more aggressive Shark-style body. The X model also steps up the performance envelope with a 260hp supercharged engine, propelling the vessel to a top speed of 50mph on the surface and 25mph below.

If you’ve ever wanted to out-swim a cheetah, here’s your golden moment. The bad news is that it functions entirely on a diet of plankton and Richard Dreyfuss. Eh, whatever. He hasn’t really done anything since Mr. Holland’s Opus. Read the rest of this entry »

On Saturday, more than 450 competing comrades took to the Vuoksa River in Losevo, Leningrad Oblast – what, you’ve never been before? Oh it’s great, there’s a farmer’s market every Saturday morning. It’s where I get my toilet paper and vodka. But this past Saturday marked the 8th annual running of the dolls, of the sex variety, as men and women ages 16 and up borrowed or purchased the finest inflatable sex dolls from local sex shops and raced down the river.

Participants in the Bubble Baba Challenge did their best to float to a three-minute finish (Ed. – Show offs), and when the waves and latex settled, Vladislav Pavlenko was the champion with his female watercraft, “Vanilla Pelotki,” while Vera Tatosyan had the best time of the women with “Yosya.” Other sex doll names included: “Unstoppable Chick,” “Cuddly Female Racoon [sic],” “Big Tit Excess,” “Sexual Goddess,” “Roach,” “Miss Peep,” “School Girl,” “Indefatiguable” and “Luba For A Price.” And next year I will introduce my own floating lady, “USS Stokke.”

In Russia, the dolls sex you, St. Petersburg Times:

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This is the cockpit (I guess) of Oculus, one of the masterworks of a Boston architect who decided that luxury yachts were too bland and boring, so this guy made this one look like the starship Enterprise.

The planned seventy-six meter long “Oculus,” which is designed for 12 guests, looks like a large sea creature, with one end looking uncannily like the jaw and eye socket of a shark or a killer whale.

And if $95 million for this isn’t expensive enough, there’s also a $140 million dollar model, Infinitas, that comes complete with an army of Cambodian slaves living below deck. They tend to frown on luxury liners in Cambodia, and now I can see why. via.

For all of you that missed the excitement of the Lamb Weston Columbia Cup race, here’s J. Michael Kelly flipping his boat in action from Sunday. We get all impressed when a 14-year-old girl does this, but that’s for entirely different reasons, I suppose. You’d think a grown man would be able to put his craft back on the water where he found it. We can only hope that the Cup adds an aerial component to their program next year.