"I'm here for the gangbang, eh?"

If you thought the SEC was just a dominant force in college football and something that lets wealthy people get away with ripping off the rest of us, then you’ve never heard of the University of Toronto’s Sexual Education Centre, which has just become my favorite SEC on this planet. Why? Because it is hosting what is essentially one giant open invitation for an orgy for UT students next Monday.

Damn, Canada. Why you gotta be so cool?

The University of Toronto Sexual Education Centre (SEC) is kicking off its annual Sexual Awareness Week next Monday at Oasis Aqua Lounge, a downtown club that bills itself as a water-themed adult playground, where swingers are welcome and sex is allowed everywhere but the hot tub.

“U of T is holding an orgy, and you’re invited! You just need your student ID” one Reddit user posted in a University of Waterloo forum. (Via the Toronto Star)

The group’s “mission” is apparently to “foster a sex-positive attitude in the greater U of T area”, but this just sounds like one of the most diabolical plots for a student government official to get his freak on. Hey, I’m not judging anyone. Lord knows it’s better than the old begging-until-I-cry trick that used to work for me 2% of the time.

But before you go booking your tickets to Toronto for this insane orgy, please know that it’s not an orgy. Right, winking giraffe?

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On Wednesday, World Series MVP David Freese visited the Macy’s store in Richmond Heights, MO and he signed baseballs for 275 fans after they agreed to purchase at least $50 worth of merchandise from the store. Sure, you could argue that it’s silly for fans to have to agree to spend $50 just to get a ball signed, but it’s David F*cking Freese, people. In Missouri, he could only be bigger if someone wrote a religious book about him or if he opened his own brewery.

The autograph session also came after he sat between Justin Bieber and Jay Leno on “The Tonight Show” on Monday night and told his incredible story about how he’d given up on baseball, turned down a scholarship to play at Mizzou, and only got back into the game because he needed to get his life back in order. The only way the interview could have been better is if he told Bieber to smell his finger.

And just when I was worried about how badly my hetero man crush on Freese would come across, The Onion beat me to the punch with the article, “David Freese Swarmed In St. Louis By Hordes Of Swooning, Average-Looking Women.”

“It’s flattering to see so many plain women flocking to me, especially considering most of them look like they’ve probably popped out a couple kids and had to hire a babysitter in order to come out,” Freese said as one woman, who wasn’t exactly homely but certainly would never be described as attractive, planted a kiss right on his cheek. “My girlfriend was a little worried about all the attention I was getting at first, but then, you know, just get a load of all these fives. She’s got nothing to worry about.”

Sure, it’s funny, but the real comedy is that it’s true. Freese is 28 years old and just helped the Cardinals complete one of the biggest come-from-behind championship runs in professional sports history, not to mention Game 6, which should have someone building him a statue right about now so it could be draped with the stretched panties of every woman from Springfield to Quincy. All I’m saying is that if ABC wanted to make Freese the next “Bachelor,” I would probably watch.

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