Heisman Trophy winner and Jay Pharaoh character Robert Griffin III showed up on ‘Late Show With David Letterman’ to read the “Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Robert Griffin III’s Mind When He Won The Heisman Trophy” and hit almost every necessary comedic note — Tim Tebow loving Jesus, the Indianapolis Colts being terrible, Kim Kardashian being a gold digging succubus who already has way too much of her own gold and so on.

You can check out video of the appearance below. I found it on YouTube so you didn’t have to watch it on the 100 x 40 CBS video player, so watch it quickly.

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Last September, Reggie Bush admirably forfeited the Heisman Trophy he won in 2005 after an NCAA investigation revealed that he had received improper benefits in college. You know, like everyone else who has ever played football in college. “I have made the difficult decision to forfeit my title as Heisman winner of 2005,” he said. “The persistent media speculation regarding allegations dating back to my years at USC has been both painful and distracting.” Well, apparently by “forfeit my title” he didn’t mean “forfeit my trophy,” because it’s been nine months and the statue still hasn’t found its way back to the Heisman Trophy Trust. Whoops!

According to The Dan Patrick Show (your #1 source for DP), the trophy disappeared shortly after Bush publicly acknowledged that he was returning it, and after the Heisman Trophy Trust had publicly thanked him.

We called Bush’s agent for comment about the status of the trophy, but received no response. We did find out where Bush’s trophy was last September, just before the Heisman Trust asked for it back.

According to a person in management at the San Diego Hall of Champions, the Heisman Trophy was displayed there until just after the Heisman Trust’s decision to strip Bush of the trophy. “Reggie Bush’s dad came in right after and took it. That’s the last we saw of it.”

So… Reggie’s dad stole the Heisman? Is this the beginning of an MTV Film?

The source at the Heisman Trophy Trust told us that there was no specific agreement with Reggie Bush to return the trophy, but that it was “alluded to in Reggie’s statement and the whole world reasonably expected him to return it.”

The Heisman Trust source added that they had been in touch with Bush’s agent “more than once” about the status of returning the trophy. Also, Bush would not even have to pay for shipping. The Heisman Trust would send him a case for the Heisman Trophy, with shipping paid for.

Anybody who saw the stand-up comedy portion of “Community” star Donald Glover’s IAMDONALD tour knows Reggie Bush has a history of stealing. I guess Reggie believes what a lot of people believe: that if you borrow something from somebody and they don’t remind you to give it back, you get to keep it forever. That works for promises, too. If you promise something, just don’t do it long enough, and maybe the person you promised will forget.

Of course, trophy or no trophy, Reggie is no longer acknowledged as a Heisman winner. He’s just Leslie Knope, fishing the Dorothy Everton Smythe Award out of the trash and sneaking it into her office.

Danny Wuerffel won the Heisman Trophy in 1996, and the sweet thing about that is that you get to be a “Heisman Trophy winner” the rest of your life. Even if you get busted with a Thai prostitute and $30,000-worth of cocaine, you’re still “Heisman Trophy winner Charie Sheen” or whatever.

But as seen from this Tower Hill Insurance ad in Gainesville, Danny has made himself some weird friends. I wonder if this is just more commentary on NFL concussions, and those minstrels are really just figments of Danny’s imagination. Bolstering my argument is Wuerffel’s prolonged “I’m taking a dump in my pants” face. Or maybe he just hates the flute. Hey, who doesn’t?

One of the great human stories of the internet is that of Harry Gerard “Buzz” Bissinger III, who has gone from figuratively defecating on an online writer to literally becoming one. Bissinger has been tapped to write for The Daily Beast, and he started with a rant on Auburn quarterback Cam Newton, who won the Heisman Trophy on Saturday with 82 percent of the vote.

Newton was left off several ballots because his father was trying to sell him. My dad did that to me when I was young, but for totally different reasons.

Cecil Newton knew that, like any father with a kid poised for major college glory knows that. He must have known that Mississippi State was in a position to make a killing off his son while the family itself reaped nothing. He knew that the head coach, if the program was successful because of his son, could move up to the big time, where the salaries go as high as $5 million, not including the country club membership and the annual annuity payment and the bonus for staying for a certain number of years.

–The Daily Beast.

The whole piece has abject generalizations, hyperbole, not a lot of research, and scathing, angry opinion. In other words, he writes just like he’d accuse a “blogger” of writing. I’m actually looking forward to seeing more from him, but so far this doesn’t top his profanity laced tirades on Twitter. I’m actually more nervous when this guy isn’t angry.

There’s a great site out there called Stiff Arm Trophy, and they’re projecting that Auburn quarterback Cam Newton will win the Heisman Trophy, which will be handed out for the 76th time this weekend. Newton was arguably the most outstanding player in college football this season, propelling the Tigers to their first SEC title since their BCS snub in 2004.

This morning, on the strength of an additional 22 ballots, we’re revising that estimate downward slightly. At this time, our projection shows Newton earning just over 2300 points, or nearly 84% of a unanimous vote. To be sure, that’s still a big damn deal – but it would drop him to fourth place all-time, behind Ricky Williams (85.2%). We now have a hard count of 13 Heisman voters who excluded Newton from their ballots entirely (plus 8 that ranked him #2 or #3.)

–Stiff Arm Trophy.

Cam’s father, Cecil Newton, will not be attending the award ceremony tomorrow night (perhaps to field contract offers from the UFL. Without his son’s knowledge, of course).

I have a cheesesteak bet with Dan Levy that Cam gets less than 85 percent of the total vote; obviously I was expecting the tidal crusade for amateurism to wash over a few more voters. And apparently it’s just called a “cheesesteak” and not a “cheesesteak sandwich.” Whatever. I’m just afraid that if I don’t specify, someone will bring out a cheesesteak pie. I’m hoping for that, actually.

The list of Heisman Trophy finalists has finally been released and, just as expected, it is going to blow your minds with the most controversial picks in the history of college football!!! Just kidding, it’s the same guys that we’ve expected for most of the season. Along with frontrunners Cam Newton of Auburn and LaMichael James of Oregon are Stanford’s Andrew Luck and Boise State’s Kellen Moore. Surprisingly, I don’t see Jacory Harris mentioned anywhere in this list, even though my Miami friends swore it was all him this season. Very odd.

Newton and James will meet up for the Heisman ceremony this Saturday, about one month before they meet for the National Championship game in Tempe, Arizona. Meanwhile, Luck’s Stanford team will take on Virginia Tech in the Orange Bowl and Moore’s Broncos will play Utah in the MAACO Bowl in Las Vegas. And everyone will live happily ever after, because there has been absolutely no controversy over this Heisman race, has there Huffington Post?

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