It's grainy because it's so scandalous.

When I saw a bunch of people Tweeting about New York Giants punter Steve Weatherford this morning, my first thought was, “Sloooooooooooow news day.” Or maybe he was abducted by intergalactic talking raccoons, in which case, awesome! And now that I know why people are buzzing about him, I think he’d probably prefer that some spaceships came and scooped him up.

It turns out that Weatherford Tweeted a video of his teammate Jason Pierre-Paul taking part in a little rookie hazing of Prince Amukamara, as he threw him in a tub of ice water after Saturday’s preseason game. And then the angels opened up the fiery gates of Hell and all overreaction broke loose. Yes, my friends, it’s true – NFL players haze rookies. Go ahead and turn off the planet, nothing is sacred anymore.

What do you have to say for yourself, punter?

“I want to apologize to the fans,” Weatherford said on Twitter. “The video I posted was distasteful. Our team is a family, and we love each other. I am sorry to the fans.” (Via The Victory Formation)

I can understand if people are upset about this kind of roughhousing because Amukamara could have been hurt. Otherwise, what’s the big deal? Dudes f*ck with each other. Hell, I’ll give JPP credit for doing something this tame, when we still see teammates in every sport resorting to homophobic tactics like dressing their teammates up as fairies or shaving dicks in their hair. But then, I’m an optimist and I’ll always be the first to say: “Bro, it could be worse.”

Alas, we’re in full damage control mode now.

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The woman in Yu Darvish needs the man in you. (via Total Pro Sports)

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At least seven Andover, Massachusetts high school basketball players have been punished for what can only be described as one sticky hazing situation. Two students have been expelled from school while the other five have been kicked off their team after they forced two younger teammates to play the most disgusting game of one-on-one of their lives.

During some good old team hazing, the two younger players were forced to play the classic game “Ookie Cookie”, AKA “Cookies n Cream” or “Wet Biscuit”. If you’re unfamiliar, the game involves multiple males pleasuring themselves and releasing their ejaculates onto a cookie, with the last person to climax being forced to eat the cookie. And yet girls laugh and call me a two-pump chump.

The two ringleaders of the hazing were expelled while the others involved received suspensions for an unknown amount of time and will not be allowed to compete in school sports for the remainder of the school year, sources said.

In a letter to parents yesterday, Superintendent Marinel McGrath said her investigation confirmed students violated the schools’ anti-hazing and anti-bullying policies, and called the players’ actions “both disappointing and disturbing.”

(Via the Eagle Tribune)

Disappointing and disturbing? How about horrifying and life-altering? Screw expulsion and being kicked off the team. The guy who “won” this game already got his ass out of dodge and transferred to a school in another district. But the guy who ate the cookie? He needs to transfer to another continent, which is totally unfair. The only just punishment for these kids is eye for an eye.

The poor guy who was forced to eat the cookie should not only be allowed to prepare an entire meal for the 7 guys involved, but he should be able to air their buffet of bodily fluids on TV. I suggest something pube-based with a carb-light doo-doo sauce, and if they need a venue for the meal, I recommend in the middle of the Mass Pike.

When Stephen Strasburg blew out his arm last August, MASN analyst and former big leagues pitcher Rob Dibble told him to “suck it up” and play through the pain. When Strasburg’s rehabilitation from Tommy John surgery started moving ahead of schedule, Dibble said there was absolutely no reason to bring Strasburg back. The reason I bring this up is because that is a picture of Stephen Strasburg dressed as Papa Smurf from “The Smurfs”, and right now Dibble is hunched over his computer somewhere hammering out a paragraph about how the Nationals front office has no idea what they’re doing, and how the Snorks, specifically Tooter Snork, would’ve been a much better choice. Because Strasburg isn’t ready to be Allstar. Uh, cough.

According to the Nationals, this is the best thing that has ever happened.

“This is what baseball is about,” Marrero said, “being a rookie and being able to do this with my friends.”

Dress like Smurfs, he meant.

In case you were wondering, yes, that sentence fragment masquerading as a paragraph from the D.C. Sports Blog reports Chris Marrero as having said that “painting yourself blue and pretending to be a Smurf because the veterans made you” is what baseball is all about.

Jayson Werth appeared to be the ringleader, and the Smurf theme song played in continuous loop in the clubhouse during the dressing. F.P. Santangelo said the episode was “definitely” the best rookie hazing he’d ever seen in his baseball life.

I feel like somebody should’ve gotten Jayson Werth to dress up like Gargamel, because getting 10 million dollars to bat .233 is about as helpful to the team as tracking the rookies into the forest and cooking them to death in a cauldron. Maybe next year the rookie hazing theme will be “don’t finish in fourth place”.

[h/t Sportress of Blogitude]

It will be a miracle if the Jacksonville Jaguars make this playoffs this season. So it’s not very surprising that they’ve decided to take a page out of the soccer mom playbook by making fun their top priority. And there’s nothing more fun than having rookies participate in an awkward black-guy-white-guy dance battle. Rookie linebacker and nephew of Brian Bosworth, Kyle Bosworth, is flying high and ballin’ while running back Deji Karim takes a more subtle approach with the stanky legg.

Bosworth proves once again that white men can’t dance or jump (looking at you, C Tate), but he appears to win by getting an ‘A’ for effort, not skill. Uncle Brian would have never pulled any s*it like that. He would have yelled until one of the veins in his neck popped, then peeled out in his Corvette, bikini babes draped on both arms. Video can be found here.

–via Sports Illustrated

Nothing says it’s almost time for the NFL like contract disputes, practices with no pads, and good ol’ fashioned rookie hazing. Hazing, an American tradition that makes baseball and apple pie look Communist, has been an NFL mainstay for years now. Try telling that to Dallas Cowboys wide reciever Dez Bryant, who has decided that he will not participate in the good natured humiliation.

NFL rookies are often required to carry veterans’ pads as a sort of training camp hazing ritual. But Cowboys rookie Dez Bryant wants no part of it.

Tim MacMahon of ESPNDallas.com reports that Roy Williams gave his pads to Bryant today, and Bryant refused to carry them.

“I’m not doing it,” Bryant said. “I feel like I was drafted to play football, not carry another player’s pads.”
–PFT

It’s not like they’re asking him to do the elephant walk. I guess it would be too ridiculous a notion for Dez to endure a difficult rite of passage with the rest of the rookies. Looking like an entitled brat is a great way to make friends. Wade Phillips was going to put Bryant on double secret probation, but gorging himself on Twinkies was much easier. Read the rest of this entry »