At least seven Andover, Massachusetts high school basketball players have been punished for what can only be described as one sticky hazing situation. Two students have been expelled from school while the other five have been kicked off their team after they forced two younger teammates to play the most disgusting game of one-on-one of their lives.

During some good old team hazing, the two younger players were forced to play the classic game “Ookie Cookie”, AKA “Cookies n Cream” or “Wet Biscuit”. If you’re unfamiliar, the game involves multiple males pleasuring themselves and releasing their ejaculates onto a cookie, with the last person to climax being forced to eat the cookie. And yet girls laugh and call me a two-pump chump.

The two ringleaders of the hazing were expelled while the others involved received suspensions for an unknown amount of time and will not be allowed to compete in school sports for the remainder of the school year, sources said.

In a letter to parents yesterday, Superintendent Marinel McGrath said her investigation confirmed students violated the schools’ anti-hazing and anti-bullying policies, and called the players’ actions “both disappointing and disturbing.”

(Via the Eagle Tribune)

Disappointing and disturbing? How about horrifying and life-altering? Screw expulsion and being kicked off the team. The guy who “won” this game already got his ass out of dodge and transferred to a school in another district. But the guy who ate the cookie? He needs to transfer to another continent, which is totally unfair. The only just punishment for these kids is eye for an eye.

The poor guy who was forced to eat the cookie should not only be allowed to prepare an entire meal for the 7 guys involved, but he should be able to air their buffet of bodily fluids on TV. I suggest something pube-based with a carb-light doo-doo sauce, and if they need a venue for the meal, I recommend in the middle of the Mass Pike.

When Stephen Strasburg blew out his arm last August, MASN analyst and former big leagues pitcher Rob Dibble told him to “suck it up” and play through the pain. When Strasburg’s rehabilitation from Tommy John surgery started moving ahead of schedule, Dibble said there was absolutely no reason to bring Strasburg back. The reason I bring this up is because that is a picture of Stephen Strasburg dressed as Papa Smurf from “The Smurfs”, and right now Dibble is hunched over his computer somewhere hammering out a paragraph about how the Nationals front office has no idea what they’re doing, and how the Snorks, specifically Tooter Snork, would’ve been a much better choice. Because Strasburg isn’t ready to be Allstar. Uh, cough.

According to the Nationals, this is the best thing that has ever happened.

“This is what baseball is about,” Marrero said, “being a rookie and being able to do this with my friends.”

Dress like Smurfs, he meant.

In case you were wondering, yes, that sentence fragment masquerading as a paragraph from the D.C. Sports Blog reports Chris Marrero as having said that “painting yourself blue and pretending to be a Smurf because the veterans made you” is what baseball is all about.

Jayson Werth appeared to be the ringleader, and the Smurf theme song played in continuous loop in the clubhouse during the dressing. F.P. Santangelo said the episode was “definitely” the best rookie hazing he’d ever seen in his baseball life.

I feel like somebody should’ve gotten Jayson Werth to dress up like Gargamel, because getting 10 million dollars to bat .233 is about as helpful to the team as tracking the rookies into the forest and cooking them to death in a cauldron. Maybe next year the rookie hazing theme will be “don’t finish in fourth place”.

[h/t Sportress of Blogitude]

It will be a miracle if the Jacksonville Jaguars make this playoffs this season. So it’s not very surprising that they’ve decided to take a page out of the soccer mom playbook by making fun their top priority. And there’s nothing more fun than having rookies participate in an awkward black-guy-white-guy dance battle. Rookie linebacker and nephew of Brian Bosworth, Kyle Bosworth, is flying high and ballin’ while running back Deji Karim takes a more subtle approach with the stanky legg.

Bosworth proves once again that white men can’t dance or jump (looking at you, C Tate), but he appears to win by getting an ‘A’ for effort, not skill. Uncle Brian would have never pulled any s*it like that. He would have yelled until one of the veins in his neck popped, then peeled out in his Corvette, bikini babes draped on both arms. Video can be found here.

–via Sports Illustrated

Nothing says it’s almost time for the NFL like contract disputes, practices with no pads, and good ol’ fashioned rookie hazing. Hazing, an American tradition that makes baseball and apple pie look Communist, has been an NFL mainstay for years now. Try telling that to Dallas Cowboys wide reciever Dez Bryant, who has decided that he will not participate in the good natured humiliation.

NFL rookies are often required to carry veterans’ pads as a sort of training camp hazing ritual. But Cowboys rookie Dez Bryant wants no part of it.

Tim MacMahon of ESPNDallas.com reports that Roy Williams gave his pads to Bryant today, and Bryant refused to carry them.

“I’m not doing it,” Bryant said. “I feel like I was drafted to play football, not carry another player’s pads.”
–PFT

It’s not like they’re asking him to do the elephant walk. I guess it would be too ridiculous a notion for Dez to endure a difficult rite of passage with the rest of the rookies. Looking like an entitled brat is a great way to make friends. Wade Phillips was going to put Bryant on double secret probation, but gorging himself on Twinkies was much easier. Read the rest of this entry »

ABC News is reporting that Morton Ranch High School has suspended all of its cheerleaders for the rest of the school year because of this cheerleader hazing story from Texas. [It was new to me! --Ed.] To reset, this 15-year-old girl in Katy, Texas that had just made the cheerleader team was pulled out of her bed in the middle of the night, bound at the wrists and ankles with duct tape, and then thrown into a swimming pool with soiled shorts over her head. Yeah, I know, I was almost there, too:

“I could hear some of the other members yelling, ‘I can’t swim, I can’t swim. Stop, please. Don’t push me in,’” [Courtney] Nickell said. “Our hands were still bound together and our blindfolds were still on, which terrified me even more. I didn’t know if I was going to come back up and live or if I was not going to make it.”

The older girls, in their defense, cited the timeless healing power of violence.

“When I got punched in the face, I laughed about it,” [Cailyn] Mothersbaugh said, referring to when she went through a similar experience while on the JV squad. “It was fun. I wasn’t going to be mad at one of the girls because it’s team bonding. It brought us together.”

Damn, girl. You just can’t jump into bondage with a 15-year-old, not without a damp basement and some grain alcohol, at least. You want to bond with another girl? Eat a few cherries out of her snatch next time. Far less traumatizing. And more nutritious.

Sorry, I realize how gross that last paragraph was. Cherries are disgusting.

UPDATE: Video after the jump.
Read the rest of this entry »

A small-town high school in New Mexico has been shaken up by the football team’s hazing scandal, in which six younger members of the team were sodomized with a broomstick by more senior players during an August training camp.

According to state police reports, a group of juniors assaulted several younger teammates over two days, holding the victims down while a broomstick was forced into their rectums over their athletic shorts. [...]

When [head coach Ray] Woods asked if anyone had been violated, one 15-year-old player raised his hand. But before the boy could elaborate, other players began making jokes, the report said. Several coaches told investigators that because of the laughter from the players, they didn’t believe the allegations were serious and took no further action.

The scandal has provided not only strife within the school, but also fodder for its rivals:

School Superintendent Rick Romero said spectators at some opposing schools have taunted the Robertson girls’ soccer team and a middle school girls’ volleyball team with “references to broomsticks and other very inappropriate sexual innuendoes.”

Whoa.  There are spectators at girls’ middle school volleyball games taunting the players with talk of brutal sex acts?  And here I thought I was the only one.  **sniff** So this is what it sounds like when doves cry.

(Thanks to handsome commenter Upstate Underdog, who sent this story in two days ago. I just got to it now thanks to the awesome combination of paralyzing laziness coupled with the attention span of a gnat.)