Okay, so this is the latest edition of ‘FilmStrip,’ a YouTube show where you have to answer trivia questions about whatever to get UFC ring girl Arianny Celeste to take off her clothes. It’s great and all, and you can watch the video after the jump, but I’ve got a couple of problems with it.

1. Arianny Celeste’s job is to be in a bikini. That’s what she does for a living. It’s actually kind of unique to see her wearing clothes at all. Why am I answering questions for the prize of seeing her look like she always looks? If I’m a Harry Potter fan, shouldn’t I be more excited to see her in a sexy Harry Potter Halloween costume than in a bikini?

2. Arianny Celeste has been in Playboy, nipple freckle and all, and it is maybe the easiest thing in the world to type “arianny celeste playboy” into Google and see like 45 pictures from it. That’s not to discount the joy of seeing her in a Maxim-style photoshoot or whatever (like this one, where she posed with soccer balls), but man, I don’t want to have to WORK for it.

3. Arianny Celeste reading Harry Potter facts from a cue card is sub-Olivia Munn levels of nerd pandering. It’s like when AOL FanHouse brought in fantasy football girls, and they were like AND NOW HERE IS STORY BOUT OAKLAND RADDERS and the world just went enghhhh.

Anyway, yes, I am stupid for worrying about any of that. Here is Arianny Celeste asking you how much you know about Harry Potter.

Read the rest of this entry »

Or, “Justin Timberwolf”. No matter what we do we feel the pain, whether we’re watching them or not. (via Sportress)

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Links

UPROXX ‘Archer’ Open Thread: ‘Bloody Ferlin’ With Associate Art Director Chad Hurd - When I’m done catching up with ‘Breaking Bad’, I swear I’m spending a week watching nothing but Archer on Netflix Instant. [UPROXX]

Open Thread — Who Is the Better Character: Walter White or Raylan Givens? - And then, uh, I’m gonna start watching ‘Justified’. Man, I’m terrible at watching television while it’s actually on. [Warming Glow]

2012 Oscars Best Picture Bracket: Round 3 - I liked The Artist, but I’m hoping Midnight In Paris can pull off an upset here. It’s a Woody Allen movie MY MOM enjoyed! [Film Drunk]

Unlaced: adidas Designer Robbie Fuller Talks The adiZero Rose 2.5 - My shoes are also unlaced, and I’m going to talk about argyle Vans. Yes, because of David Otunga, shut up. [Smoking Section]

What If Male Superheroes’ Costumes Were Designed Like Female Superheroes’ Costumes? - They couldn’t be! Where would poor Rob Liefeld draw his pockets? [Gamma Squad]

Steve Carell In Now On Twitter - I can’t wait to see him and Ricky Gervais make awkward jokes about each other all the time. #notgoodafterseason2 [Buzzfeed]

David Wain’s Reddit AMA: 15 Best Answers From ‘Wanderlust’ Director’s Q&A (PICTURES) - If my girlfriend ever ends up contributing to UPROXX, it’ll be nothing but interviews with Stella. [HuffPost Comedy]

What To Expect When You’re Expecting An Apocalypse - Hopefully there’s some sort of movie or comedy or book or comic that could help me out here! At this point I think it might be better to assume everything’ll be all right. [Adult Swim]

The first extended look at Pixar’s “Brave”. June cannot get here soon enough - I don’t care how good it ends up being, I’m calling it How To Train Your Daughter In 3-D until at least June. [FARK]

New Dad Jay-Z Is Deeply Disappointed In RihRih For Reuniting With Breezy - I think our first goal should be to stop calling the deluded, violent sociopath “breezy”. [Bossip]

Does ‘World of Warcraft’ Make Elderly People Smarter? - I don’t know, but I’m interested in seeing how smart ‘Excitebike’ makes them, especially after I’ve beaten their asses at Excitebike. [The FW]

Whip Out Your Wands, J.K. Rowling To Write Something For The “Adult” Crowd - If she writes something more complex than “Harry said, then Ron Said, then Harry Said”, hell, I’ll buy it. [Pajiba]

Links

Aubrey Plaza Is a Sexy Stroke Victim - The woman who plays April Ludgate had a stroke when she was 20. Unbelievable. I’m happy she’s okay, and even happier that we didn’t end up with Ellie Kemper (or whoever) doing some terrible exaggerated April for three years. [Warming Glow]

Frotcast 63: Matt Ufford Talks TV, Murder, & Hurricanes - Like most people, I could listen to Uff talk about whatever he wanted for as long as he wanted. And hurricane or no, Whole Foods is almost always a mad house. People are always stealing kombuchas that they didn’t order. [Film Drunk]

15 Exceptionally Haunting Movie Cinemagraphs - Cinemagraphs are really cool, but far too often are just people opening and closing their eyes. Regardless, his post really made me want to go watch The Shining again. [UPROXX]

Paz de la Huerta Is Good at Lingerie - Paz’s face is incredibly ugly to me most of the time, but her body is absolutely top shelf. Also, she will not stop trying to show it to me. [Warming Glow]

FIGHTS – Legends, Douchebags, and Pig Slop! - Bowie Ibarra reviews the most recent Anarchy Championship Wrestling show, and yes, just like last time this one features a cameo from yours truly. He calls Vanity Valentine “Velvet” Valentine, but honestly “Velvet Valentine” sounds way better. [Zombie Blood Fights]

Justice League of the Americas Will Make You Wish for a Western - It won’t if you’ve watched Justice League and seen the Jonah Hex episodes! But seriously, this guy loves drawing Liefeld crotch bulges. Just speed lines all over the front of pants. [Gamma Squad]

This Is The Parody Of A Porn Parody Of The Dark Knight Rises That Gotham Deserves - I want to be in charge of the porno parodies. “Okay team, make me a list of literally everything that gets made, we’re gonna go down the list one by one.” And porn fans are out there waiting for me to parody The Help, but I’m too busy working out a cohesive porno narrative for Marmaduke. Gamma Squad]

1988 George Lucas Calls 2011 George Lucas an “Egotistical Gangster” - What can you even say at this point? I have the DVDs with the original versions as special features, if he wants to make Yoda breakdance, let him. Just make the ones that aren’t total horsesh*t available to me somewhere. [Film Drunk]

15 Things That Prove God Hates the South - Number 16: “How every girl Brandon had a crush on growing up looks in 2011″. [Buzzfeed]

There Have Only Been 5 Successful Film-to-TV Series Adaptations - A debatable point (and he seems to be neglecting how great “The Real Ghostbusters” was, it had Garfield as Peter Venkman for Christ’s sakes) but fun to talk about. Also, Young Indiana Jones sucked a dick and was not successful. [Pajiba]

The 5 Most Depraved Sex Scenes Implied in Harry Potter - Hey, somebody should make a porno parody of Harry Potter and include all of these scenes! I’d watch Potter if folks were getting bukkake’d by centaurs. [FARK]

8 Adorable College Mascot Brawls - Best link of the day. [The Smoking Jacket]

Mila Kunis or Olivia Wilde: Who Won Summer? - One of them had CGI nipples and the other keeps trying to convince me she’s Just One Of The Guyz. Which one was in a good movie over the summer? I think they both lost. [Moviefone]

E-van! Get the tables!

With Leather

The Dugout: Evan Longoria’s Police Report - If you missed Friday’s edition of The Dugout, don’t; it contains references to Ice Cube, MotorStorm, and Evan Longoria stealing from dying children with an automatic weapon. Exactly the kind of thing sports blogs should be covering. [The Dugout]

The Greatest Collection of Kate Upton Photos Ever - Reproduced for no reason, really, one of our Kate Upton galleries. This is the kind of thing you should revisit on a Monday morning to get your blood pumping. Also, to remind yourself that no woman is perfect and they’re all disappointing and flawed! [With Leather]

Happy 58th Birthday Hulk Hogan, Now Here’s Your Naked Daughter - Brook’s comments on Twitter: “Im SO sick of people saying me and my dad are in some perverted relationship! Go home and do your own thing! Stop picking on me!” Our response? Stop giving us ammo. [With Leather]

Burnsy’s Bad Advice - A series you should click back through, if only to find the parts that are already wrong. I always want to say “fantasy sports are a crap shoot, not a science, you can just pick people based on chaos theory and win”, and then I remember how every month we do DraftStreet fantasy sports and the same 10 guys murder me, so maybe Burnsy just knows what he’s talking about. [With Leather]

Elsewhere On Uproxx

Jay-Z & Kanye West – Otis Video - Worth it for the in-character Tom Haverford cameo. Somewhat not worth it for Kanye West’s inability to try hard. Sorta like listening to the radio and someone’s conversation at the same time. [Smoking Section]

The Greatest Collection of Corgi GIFs Ever Created - If Queen Kate Upton didn’t make you click, the cute dog from Cowboy Bebop will. I pretend every corgi I see is Ein. Makes me feel a little better about not living in the post-apocalyptic future. [Warming Glow]

Tom Felton Attempts to Slytherin in Your Pants with Harry Potter Pick-Up Lines - Tom Felton should attempt to stop making his face look forty. [Gamma Squad]

Director Promises Human Centipede 3 Will Be 1,000 Percent More Medically Accurate - Sometimes I wish perverted movies could be made by artists, and not just perverts. I like that the original concept of “haha ew they’re pooping in each others’ mouths” has now been enough to make three movies. [Film Drunk]

Not Sports

10 Commercials from Famous Directors - I don’t know a lot, but I know David Fincher’s “Leave Nothing” Nike commercial with LaDainian Tomlinson and Troy Polamalu is the best commercial of all time. That sh*t makes me cry, and is legitimately better than 9 of 10 movies. [Ask Men]

Hanson Is Feuding with Kings of Leon - I’m siding with Hanson on this one. Honestly, I’d side with Hitler if he was feuding with the Kings of Leon. Ugh, Kings of Leon. I liked you guys better when you were trying to be Stillwater. [FARK]

More Accurate Titles for New Fall TV Shows - “Crap with eight episodes you’ll scroll past on Hulu Plus to get to Parks and Rec.” There, I saved you ten minutes of reading. [College Humor]

Cinema’s 12 Greatest Albino or Albino-like Characters - Chances are I’ll link any article that lets me make a Powder joke. I hope the director went to the studio execs and said “okay, I want to make a movie about a guy who gets pushed in the mud so he kills himself with lightning”. [Pajiba]

Take a look at Brent Burns, NHL defenseman for the San Jose Sharks, pictured right. Does he look like the kind of guy who makes a lot of strong personal decisions? He got his first tattoo when he was 11, and this summer he got a huge tattoo on his back of his pets with the word “Wild” in green. You know, because he played for the Minnesota Wild. Which he no longer does.

Anyway, the latest masterpiece (by way of Twitter and our friends at Puck Daddy, and probably everybody else in the world with eyeballs and a sense of propriety) is Brent’s second giant, colorful dragon, only this one features the beast being battled by Harry Potter. If you click the image it’ll take you to the bigger, full version. Beware of body hair. That’s Harry in the upper left, in case you couldn’t make it out. Why Harry Potter, you ask?

A lot of questions for HP tattoo! Always loved books! There ya go #hogwartslooksfun I don’t know why itsupsidedwn

He posted it to his Twitter upside down, in case you need that part deciphered.

As someone who has a children’s book character tattooed on their person (I have Charlotte from Charlotte’s Web on my right arm) I can only make so much fun of him for this, so I’ll make fun of him for literally everything else ever, including being rich enough to do this and have it be news. But yeah, how many dragons does one body need? One more and he’s going to look like a kiosk at the mall.

Sports

Spider-Man Basketball Looks Spazzier Than Vampire Baseball - I’m not the first one to notice it, but it’s weird how much they want the next Spider-Man movie to look like Twilight. Wait a minute, Spider-Man 3 had Bryce Dallas Howard in it. Have they been doing this all along? Do I secretly like Twilight? Do I even realize it? [Film Drunk]

Ochocinco Says “F**k All Defensive Backs” - It’s true, that does seem like something Ochocinco would say. I take seriously all comments from a man who changed his name to numbers. [Smoking Section]

Cowboys Linebacker Keith Brooking Gets His Two Daughters Ready To Go For Six Flags - Sports news should be less “this guy got a DUI” and “this guy beat his wife” and more “this guy is going to take so many old timey photos it’s gonna be SICK”. I’m going back to Six Flags Fiesta Texas in a few weeks, remind me to get KSK to write up a report about it. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Ultra-Pro Cards, The Least Valuable Objects Ever Produced - What’s worth less, these baseball cards or that Marvel Knights comic about Ghost Rider and Johnny Blaze that my Dad wouldn’t let me take out of the polybag and read 15 years ago? [SBN]

With Leather

Punte Talks to Patrick Willis - In case you were unaware, With Leather is now a legitimate news organization, and we get to talk to athletes about things in real life. And by “in real life” I don’t mean saying “you are awesome” to some D-league guy and having them retweet it. [With Leather]

Jay Cutler and Chad Ochocinco and the Models of the Diesel Swimsuit Show - In about an hour I’m putting up a gallery of 40,000 Kate Upton pics (thanks, Burnsy), so spend the next sixty minutes looking at women who aren’t her. Two Ochocinco links this morning. I should go for eight and title it “Ocholinko”. [With Leather]

The Most Disgusting World Record You’ll See This Week - This is from last week, but you probably won’t see anything grosser this week either. Still gonna try to set the world’s record for “most food just thrown on the ground so nobody can eat it”. [With Leather]

The Best and Worst of Raw 7/11 - Because we are legitimate, here’s a thing about wrestling. Last night WWE put on what might be their best pay-per-view event ever (I’m not kidding), so read this and establish context before you read 10 pages of me swooning about it later. [With Leather]

Not Sports

It Was a Harry Potter Sort of Weekend - I don’t share in the Harry Potter enthusiasm, but it’s basically the only thing the non-sports world wants to talk about right now. The final film in the series opened and broke box office records by bringing in 600,000 billion dollars and bankrupting everything in the world, so now all we’ve got left to constitute “a world” is China and Harry Potter. Here is a picture of Emma Watson. [Uproxx]

Adult Swim’s Most Awkward Comic-Con Memories - My most awkward Wizard World Austin moment: trying to sneak past the cast of The Human Centipede without making eye contact. [Adult Swim]

The Bang Bus Guy Lives in a Van Full of Animals - I thought I needed to share this with people. What’s next? Are we gonna find out the MILF Hunter is a vagrant drifter? (actually, that would make a pretty good MILF Hunter storyline) (does MILF Hunter have storylines?) [Film Drunk]

A Gallery of When Pixar Comes to Life - Some of these are interesting, some are cute, some are terrifying. Pretty sure I don’t ever want to see that family dressed as The Incredibles again, and I’m the guy who just wrote like five sentences about the MILF Hunter. [Unreality]