Like millions of Americans, there was a time when I thought that competitive eating was awesome. I’ve also loved poker, Hooters swimsuit pageants, World’s Strongest Man competitions, American Gladiators, MySpace, and The Office. The problem is that when something gains a great deal of popularity in a relatively short time, the people behind a pop cultural phenomenon never know when to say, “Stop.”

I don’t see the charm, anymore, in watching Joey Chestnut practically suffocate while devouring 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes. And no, it’s not because I think we should be more concerned with all those starving people in Africa our own country. Obviously, we should, but the Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest doesn’t exactly make me lose the most sleep. And no, it’s not because a bunch of protesters showed up to Coney Island and apparently want us to eat kittens. I couldn’t anyway, I’m allergic. I’d just like it if for every eating contest we hosted, we also held two math contests or two engineering fairs.

But instead of rambling on about how embarrassing it is that competitive eating has become synonymous with America’s Independence Day – even our baseball teams welcome it now – I’ll at least enjoy the fact that approximately 5,000 miles away, an eating contest brought happiness to our armed forces and their families at the U.S. Army Garrison in Baumholder, Germany. I just wish their contest could have been at Coney Island, too.

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Merry 4th of July, everybody!

In honor of America’s birthday (and nobody being on the Internet … seriously, even you aren’t on the Internet today) we’ll be taking a relaxed posting schedule. That means we may pop in from time to time with a story, but you’ll mostly be stuck with this terrible video of Will Smith punching an alien in the face.

Go outside, find a hole with a bunch of water in it, spend some time with your family or do what I’m doing — driving an hour south to a Minor League Baseball game to get a picture with a taco mascot and watch some fireworks.

Independence Day has already long been my favorite religious American holiday, as I don’t think a three-day weekend can get much better than grilled meat, fireworks, and booze. All it’s really missing is football. To think, if the pilgrims had stopped in Tennessee on their way to have Thanksgiving dinner with the Native Americans, then we wouldn’t even be having this conversation.

Alas, I digress. The 4th of July does, in fact, get better as GQ’s upcoming cover shows us with the reigning With Leather Celebrity Sports Fan of the Year, Kate Upton, showing off her love of America. Although, I’m wondering if those Astro Pop calories are a good thing for her, what with some people thinking she’s a little too curvy.

Here, let me offer up a healthier alternative cover…

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Happy Independence Day, With Leatherites! While I’m sure we could all talk about how Real Madrid offered to make Rudy Fernandez the highest paid player in Spain for the next six season and how that should have the NBA owners crapping in their pants, or how Kobe Bryant wants to take a group of elite NBA players on tour in China (and probably never return), or we could even talk about how the NFL players were offered a 50-50 revenue split with no money off the top but they’re still not happy because they don’t want to pay into their own retirement funds, we won’t. At least not today.

Because today is about some dudes who signed a piece of paper to give us the right to enjoy a three-day weekend each July by getting totally sh*t-hammered and making asses out of ourselves in the name of the good, old U.S. of A. And our founding fathers also gave us the right to purchase Chinese fireworks – often illegally – and put our lives in jeopardy with them. So I took a few seconds to scour YouTube for some of the better fireworks fails and I realized that thousands of people out there have no clue what “fail” means. And even more people think that poorly staged fireworks nut shots should be on Tosh.0.

Regardless, I put together this little collection for your enjoyment, and I’m sure that I left out some good videos because daddy is feeling ouchies from 3rd of July boozery, so feel free to remind me and I’ll add them in. Otherwise, have a safe and happy one and try not to burn off your eyebrows. Unless you’re Pete Sampras.

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